August

Did I ever tell you that I hate August?

I probably haven’t mentioned it, but every year, I hate August.

I got married in August.  And for awhile, August really wasn’t a problem.

But then I started noticing that every year, August was horrible.

I finally figured out that it was because my marriage has been so empty and so disappointing and every year our anniversary, at the beginning of August, would remind me that the dreams that I had for marriage simply weren’t happening.  And every year, the marriage got worse.

Last year, in August, I asked him to move out.  So, of course, last August was miserable.  (He didn’t move out, by the way.)

I thought maybe this August wouldn’t get to me.  You know, the marriage is pretty much over, so I thought that the “hopes and dreams” thing wouldn’t bug me so much this year.

I don’t know.  Maybe it doesn’t.  But this August is turning out to be hellish, too.

First there was the “I’m not going to buy my daughter a car” issue.  So now I have loan payments.

My younger one didn’t pass the driver’s test this morning, so I get to drive her to school next week until she can retake the test.  I’m not upset with her at all.  That’s just how things go sometimes.  My older one didn’t get her license the first time she took the test either.  But it just means that I have to leave the house an hour and a half before I have to be at work in the morning and then go pick her up from school after work.  Like I said, I’m not upset about it.  But it is just one more thing.  You know, if my husband had a relationship with her, he could help me out with this.  But, no.  My older daughter can take her to school on her first day, so that will be good.

But then my older one is moving to another state to go to school.  This is right, natural, and normal.  But I am going to miss her so badly that I can’t even stand to think about it.  I am going to cry buckets and buckets and buckets of tears.  As if I don’t cry enough already!!!

And then, today, I realized that my younger one didn’t receive a Pell Grant for school, unless (hopefully) it got lost in the mail or somehow was overlooked.  I’m checking into that, but if she didn’t get the grant, then that is more money out of my little bitty paycheck.  Because I’m pretty sure that my husband won’t help pay for her college.

So, anyhow, this August is turning out to be not very good, either.

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12 Responses to August

  1. I love the honesty in your writing. While your past Augusts share the common threads of disappointment and frustration, you still have 16 more days to turn it all around…

    – K.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear you’re having money trouble… They really suck and can turn any month bad.
    The loan isn’t only a burden, it is also an achievement… You should look for good things this month, especially now with everything that’s happening to you.

    • QP – You are right – the loan is an acheivement. And it is a good thing. Hopefully the month will end better than it began! :} I’ll get through it – I always do! Thank you once again for your encouragement! :}

  3. angryguyblog says:

    Heavy stuff. I appreciate the honesty.

  4. childofthetruth says:

    Wish I could leave you words of encouragement for I also am not having a great month. Maybe down the road from now I will say it has been a necessary change for the better. Sounds like you can focus on your daughters and smile because you have a great relationship with them. I’m so grateful for my mother (and step-father) for they let me move in with them for awhile. Cheer up WP! (Wow, I guess I can encourage you). Just look at one day at a time. So just smile today. Lord knows that’s all I can do.

  5. Woman says:

    I waited to long to leave him –and now my 17 y/o daughter has “run away” … She told me “men have ruined your life” and “I’m miserable here with you” “The difference between you and me, Mom, is that I am going to do SOMETHING about my unhappiness” “You won’t leave but I am OUT OF HERE”. I never saw this coming. I did wake up crying about two weeks ago, sobbing from sleep crying for my daughter whom I love so very much” I was grieving her going away in 10 short months, she just shortened that a whole bunch. I want her to be safe so I need to act in her best interests. Of course I want her with me, but if she can’t or won’t come “home” (he and I love together on the same proeprty, different dwellings) … if she won’t come home with me, than I will help her find a safe place tp be. I tried and tried to buy a home, I should have rented, and left. She’s also just plain ol mad at the world, but I can hear her, feel her and can’t hardly blame her! My heart is breaking. We have counseling set up for Thursday. OMG, I pray our daughter’s get FREE of this illness and never have to fall in love with a PA –and other sick men.

    • I, too, pray that our daughters get free of this and don’t fall in love with PAs or other sick men! It scares me so much for my daughters. You can still leave for yourself, even if she has already left. Maybe when you leave, she will come be with you again. I hope your counseling goes well for you. And thank you so much for your comment. I’m sorry your heart is breaking, but I think I understand at least a little! Hang in there and take good care of yourself.

      • Woman Friend says:

        I meet with the counselor tomorrow, and I told my daughter I will call the police if she runs away again. She so angry she’s spitting nails blaming me for all her pain. I can’t stomach all the blame … too painful. I have spolied and indulged her for all my guilt and that hasn’t helped her grow either. I’m willing to try something new. We’ll see. Thanks for your writing, it’s honest and honestly appreciated. I hate August too, always have. It’s almost over and then the rains will come again.

      • I REALLY hope the counselor will help! I always told my daughters that if they were tempted to run away, that it was worse “out there” than it was here at home. At some point, she is responsible for how she handles her life, regardless of how she was raised. Do not take all the blame on yourself; there are so many factors involved!!! Hang in there!!! :}

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