discouraged

I feel discouraged.

I feel discouraged about making enough money to support myself.  I don’t know if it is even possible for me.

I feel discouraged about how much clutter I have, how much stuff I need to get rid of so I can move should I ever make enough money to support myself and actually find a place to live.

I feel discouraged about ever finding a place to live that I can afford that I would actually like to live in.  And that is in a good location for both my job and my daughter’s school.

I feel discouraged about ever losing the weight I want to loose.  I do exercise, but I eat too much.  I eat out of fear, frustration, sadness, depression, anxiety.  I eat because I want love.

I feel discouraged about ever being in a loving relationship with a man.  Will I ever be free?  Will a good man ever want to be with me?

I feel discouraged about ever getting to make love.  Twenty-five years of marriage and no love-making.  Ever.  I want to make love so badly.

I feel like my nightmare will never end.

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14 Responses to discouraged

  1. mo says:

    Dear WP, I am so sorry for all you’re going through! You have been so brave and strong, so supportive of me and the other readers here, so honest and forthcoming. And you have every right to feel discouraged — it’s all so unfair, and it’s scary, and you have so many things going on at once.

    This is a good time to pamper yourself somehow … be very gentle with yourself. A bath? A trip to the coffee shop? Retail therapy? Maybe go somewhere where you can lose yourself in a good book, or a funny movie?

    I know that all sounds so shallow when you are going through so much — but you need a break from it all. And you are SO right … you deserve to be loved, to feel loved, to be treated with respect and kindness and dignity — and it’s so sick and wrong that your husband is not providing that for you, the way he SHOULD be doing! But maybe you can treat yourself with that dignity and love and kindness for a little while; spoil yourself, do something special for you.

    Anyway, I don’t mean to give unsolicited advice — these are just some thoughts to pass along to you, in case they might help. Also, I found some quotes for you that I’ll post in another box below. I’ve been thinking of you ever since I saw your post in my email today. I feel so deeply for you! I’ve been missing you too — I’ve wanted to get over here to visit for awhile now, but things have been busy with the kids, along with fever and flare-ups.

    Most of all, try to hang in there … I know it sucks, but it’s good that you are feeling these things right now, so you can acknowledge the feelings and move past them. (Although, one of the expressions I hate-hate-hate the most is “this too will pass.” Barf! Even though it’s probably true, I still hate that saying! It’s like, okay, so this will pass. When?? And how do I deal with this while it’s hear, not passing??). Okay, now I am rambling!

    sending you love and my warmest wishes for comfort and healing and pampering and a warm bath and cozy cup of coffee or tea …
    love, mo

    • I hate that saying, too! :) But I guess it is true. And, yes, WHEN??? :) Thank you for your comfort and encouragement. I’d love to get a massage. Or even soak in the tub. But my tub has a straight back, so it is not very comfortable for soaking. Maybe in my next house… now that’s a thought! Anyhow, thank you for comment and your encouragement. Ramble on anytime you like! I do! :) Only I call it blogging! :)

  2. childofthetruth says:

    WP,
    Mo’s right. I hope you will get to a point that you will make the “break”. It’s been 1 week for me now and I’m started to see some differences in how I feel. It’s like I can move on through all those thoughts I had in my head about should I leave or not, am I loved or am I crazy, etc. Of course, it’s not over yet and just the beginning in figuring out whether he will change or not, but I’m moving on to the next step. Yes, you need to take a rest from the emotional and mental roller coaster and do something for yourself. I wish we could get together and just talk. I need a friend who is going through the same thing and unfortunately there is not a support group in my area for this. My best friend and I are on the outs right now and maybe forever because of things she is doing so I can’t talk with anyone else. My mother is good, but I don’t want to burden her with my talks. I totally understand how you feel about worrying about supporting yourself if you do leave. That’s why I live with my parents. I can’t afford it. I’m looking at going back to school and there are many hurddles in that as well. I want to be loved and to love and to make love, but only time will tell. I do know this, my God is helping me with all of this. He is my provider, my refruge, my help in my time of trouble. He is drawing me close to Him so that I will depend on Him for all my needs and desires. I don’t think I could do this without HIm.

    • I am glad that you can live with your parents. I am glad that you have a strong relationship with God. Those things make a difference. Thank you for your encouragement! I keep hoping for a break, but it hasn’t shown up yet! :)

  3. K says:

    So understand. Take time for you.

  4. Oh dear…
    I’m so sorry to hear that.
    As for the clutter problem, you could try selling things on eBay or similar sites; you’d be surprised what people actually buy there! I did that after cleaning out my living corders and I managed to make quite a lot of money on it, actually.
    Keeping in mind that you’re getting rid of stuff with an eye on moving and saving up money for a life of your own… that might encourage you.
    What are your qualifications for work? I mean, what kind of work are you looking for? If you think you don’t have enough qualifications, you could perhaps try evening school for adults… Again, my mother did that while she was pregnant and now she has a constant income.

    You sure deserve love, and I am sure you will get it in time. Love and similar things come to you on the weirdest of places and times. When I went to college, I thought I would find love and a life goal there. The only thing I turned out to find there was a psychosis. I went to the madhouse, and before I knew it I had a new experiment at my feet. What I want to say is this; Life takes strange turns, but it never goes downhill all the time.

    Anyway, I wish you all the best. Many hugs and take care :)
    Love,
    QP

    • Hey, QP, My clutter issues are emotional. And most of my stuff isn’t worth selling, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I just need to get rid of what I need to get rid of. I like your suggestion of keeping in mind that I am getting rid of stuff so I can move. My temp job just became permanent, so that is a step in the right direction! I am happy about that. Thank you for your encouragement about love, etc. :)

  5. For everything thing that discourages you, WRITE DOWN one thing you are grateful for. It’ll help. I promise. Good things will come, feeling discouraged will always be there, but it will lessen. You’re getting stronger every day. Hugs for you.

  6. tt says:

    I want to share something with you that maybe will help you see the financial stability thing a little differently… I have aleady told you that I am the primary bread winner in my PA relationship. This has not always been the case. Prior to 2007 he owned a business, one of which i had quit my stable job years before we married so that i could go to work for him.. which was while I was madly in love and unaware of what I was dealing with. I devoted my time, my heart, my everthing to him and his business and and his children, forsaking all that was important to me…Slowly, but surely after we married( acutally before, I was just in denial), I began to realize there was problem. However, by the time I realized I may not be able to exist like this forever, I felt trapped,trapped in a sense he held my livlihood in his hand… It was after all his business. How could I take care of my children and provide for them things that they needed and when i would not even be able to afford to take care of myself. So. for years, I convinced myself that I stayed because I was financially trapped. Well in 2007, I was offered my old job back…at almost tripple the pay…. I pounced on it all the while thinking it was my way out…. BUT….and this is a BIG HUGE BUT….. since then I have not been financially trapped AND I am still going around this mountain. I would have never dreamed in those years that I felt trapped that I would still be doing this, after the table were turned…I used to even tell myself and God, if I could just get a job and be able to take care of us that I would not allow myself and my children to be subject to this….NOT SO!….The reasons we stay, run far deeper than we could ever imagine. I am still not certain that I have found the answer to what it is that makes me stay..I do have reasons, but I am not sure that they are the real reason or if it is just what I tell myself to justify the insanity that I allow to persit in my life and still the life of my children… ……What came out of my mouth when confiding to a friend this morning, is the closest thing to a reason that I have ever actually admitted….. MY comment to my friend on Why I seem to never be able to let go: ” I find myself, when I look at his face, knowing that I love him and feeling love, compassion/sympathy/empathyfor him. but itis the “him” he let me to believe he was….NOT the “him” that he turned out to be – that I am in love with…. it is the “him” i wish he could be!….. I think thats why I just keep hanging on….

    • Yes, I think you are right. I think the reasons run very deep. Sometimes I wonder if money is an excuse. Sometimes I even wonder if religious belief is an excuse. I don’t know. I know it is very, very familiar being here. It is what I am used to and to leave would be a huge unknown. You have a good point about loving the part of him that you believe him to be. Sometimes I look at my husband and can’t believe that he really treats me the way he does. It’s almost like my mind forgets or disconnects or something. I’m not sure why I am hanging on. So often I can’t even think straight. Thank you so much for leaving this comment.

  7. It is hard to not feel the way you with the situation that you are in. I think the biggest thing that hold s people in the type of situation or really any is fear of making enough money to take care of them self or like my case myself and my children. One thing I had to decide for me was that we may have to down size to a smaller place and they may have to share rooms for a little while until I can get on my feet better and get us that place that we deserve. It may not be in the best location or even have what we want but as long as it is in a safe place and it provides or basic needs we will be ok. I cut out anything thing and everything we did not have to have. I kept the internet on for me and got netflix for the kids. Other than that I have rent lights and car insurance to pay. We use to go out to eat a few times a week I cut that out. They go maybe twice a month now if that. Most times once a month.

    Don’t worry about your clutter. You will find when you move you aren’t going to want most the stuff that’s even there. When I moved out of my house over the summer I left a ton of stuff behind. I just didn’t want it. Even personal stuff it all just seemed to attached to the past. I wanted a brand new start with new stuff. I didn’t want a bunch of clutter to take with me and a bunch of stuff to look around and remind me of the past. Don’t worry about cleaning it out and getting rid of it. Go threw it a room at a time when you pack and toss or leave what you don’t want and pack what you do. i tried to go threw it all before I started packing and get rid of stuff and it seemed like a huge task. To go threw it all then go threw it and pack it. It was much easier to do it all at one time.

    The weight will come off once you get out of there and you are happy again. Right now it is like fighting a losing battle. Like you said you eat out to much the stress alone will keep you from losing it for some people. After I got him out of here I felt so much better and decided I wanted to lose the weight and just done it. It didn’t seem like such a huge task or something I really had to work at. I did’t want to eat all the time like I did when he was here. I lost like 12lbs in a matter of weeks just by watching what I was eating.

    I just had to get to that point to where I wasn’t scared that I wouldn’t make it on my own with my kids. I had to get to that point where I was scared it would be worse for me to stay where I was than to get out and do it on my own. I can’t say I have swam since I got out but I don’t feel like I have sunk. I feel like I am floating and been pushed around by a few big waves that have tried to sink me. But that I am still in there and still going to be ok. I made a few bad decisions that threw me off course but it just made me more determined to do something and to swim.

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