Ranting again

This is just a little rant and I think I’ve ranted about it before.

But it just bugs me when people make excuses for him.

I have a very nice friend who knows that my marriage is not that good.  I don’t think she knows how bad it is and she doesn’t know about my blog.

I know she was trying to encourage me, but it just gets me when people say stuff like, he has feelings; he just doesn’t know how to express them.  He probably just has a different communication style and doesn’t know how to show you that he loves you.

And this is my problem because…?

I don’t know.  I just get aggravated.  How come I’m supposed to just put up with it?  How come I have to be good and patient and kind and accept excuses for him all the time?  Where is his responsibility in this???  You know, I have had to see that I am co-dependent and have had to see all the problems that contributes to and have had to work hard on not being that way.  And yet he doesn’t have to address any of his issues because he has different body parts???

Anyhow, I’ve had my little rant.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Ranting again

  1. We all have issues…its true – but it sounds to me like you’re in an abusive relationship. I had a friend tell me that “i dont really think your ex is abusive to you.” granted, she didn’t know everything – and still doesnt. I dont know why it seemed to me that she didnt need to know…ashamed, I guess…but my other friend, knows EVERYTHING and when I was debating about getting a divorce, i was complaining to her about something he’d done or said and she said “when are you going to stop being the victim?”
    Yeah. Right then. Thats the day I went home after a lunch out with her, and told him I wanted a divorce. I’ve never been the victim since. :)

    • I’ve sometimes thought that by staying here that I am keeping myself in victim status. I say I stay because I can’t afford to leave and I think that is mostly true – although I am working on changing that. But I also feel like I don’t know who I would be if I weren’t here. I’m glad that you were strong and got out! And thank you so much for your comment. :}

      • I said that too…I can’t afford it. I have no place to go. What will I do with the kids? If you wait until you have it all planned out and have every single thing in place – you’ll never leave. I suspect your situation is like mine where you do everything you can to keep him from flying off the handle. So, its our natural inclination to overplan. To try to see ahead to what his reaction is going to be and plan for it, try to avoid it, always thinking about what he’s going to do and how to minimize his reactions.
        I had to live with my ex for months after we were divorced before he was able to move out. It was terrible. But, I had to start somewhere.

  2. Hi, firstly I wanted to say well done you for getting tour blog out there. I read your post and as someone who has been a victim of emotional abuse immediately though. You DON’T have to put up with you it. You DON’T have to be patient and kind endlessly and he IS responsible. Are you being patient and kind to yourself? I sincerely hope so but I suspect as he is the one draining all your time and energy you have forgotten your needs and wants that are essential to you having a happy, healthy, living and balanced relationship. Are you seeking counselling? I will now read the rest of your blog to get a better picture. Please do remember yourself. Love and nurture You as soon as I started doing this things started falling into place. I hope this helps. I’m not in your marriage and don’t know the intricacies but could immediately identify honey you’re not alone.

    Please check out my blog for new book Mr Wrong, “a humorous and insightful exploration into why some women continually attract Mr Wrong and negative relationships and how to set off on a positive path to Mr Right.” Here you will find some excerpts, views and opinions from both women and men as well as other women’s stories. You may find some of it helpful especially The Many Shades of Mr Wrong and Start With You. I’d love to hear your views and stories.

    • Hi, Thank you for your comment! There is a lot in what you say! In fact, after I posted this post, I was thinking about it some more and I think I have to write an answer to my own post! I’ll check out your blog. I love to read, and I’ve often wondered why I picked a Mr. Wrong!

      • I’d love to read your answer. In terms of picking Mr Wrong, I strongly believe we reflect people and experiences in our lives to help us or draw our attention to an inner issue. Often their is something in their behaviour that reflects something in ourselves. How do you express your anger? When was the first time in your life you were ever angry and how did you deal with it? Did you stuff it down or let rip? How did it make you feel? Who are angry at most and how is that addressed? Some qs I think might help. I realised I attracted men who appeared to adore me then abandoned or excluded me from their lives/feelings (one guy was engaged for the whole 9months if our l) and I had no idea. Time and time again I was hurt, dropped and rejected and at worst emotionally abused and manipulated but when I eventually connected the dots after ten years of this, I realised each man/rel had a running theme. I was attracting men who would repeat and reinforce my fear of being abandoned and excluded (which I didn’t know I had!) They highlighted my deep inner belief that I did not feel I was worthy. They made me feel rejected, abandoned, abused and ignored. When I tracked when I had first felt like that was at a very young age stemming from childhood. In my mind and heart I thanked these men for bringing these unresolved feelings to the fore and made a conscious decision to let them go. I also made a conscious decision to remember that I am worthy and I deserve everything I want and need it thus very short life. I am happily single now but have every faith that I will never be abused or taken advantage if again! I would love to see how you get on and I wish you all the happiness in the world :)

  3. Of course he has feelings to. People are always very eager to seek excuses for other people’s behavior, and that makes them forget that perhaps those feelings are nothing but laziness, indifference, love-of-ease and to a minor degree, cruelty.
    Don’t let others make you feel crazy in what you feel about him, it doesn’t matter in the end. In the end all what counts is how you feel about him since you’re the one putting up with him to an extent that practically makes you a saint in my opinion.
    Stay strong!

  4. childofthetruth says:

    When I tried to explains some “examples” about my marriage, I get “Oh, you are so sensitive”, “Was he like that when you first dated him? Well, how can you expect to change him!”, “all men are like that”, “Everybody has there differences. You can’t expect him to think like you.”! URGH!!!!!! No wonder, I stuck it out for so long. I’ve listened to other people tell me how my marriage should be or rather how I should be. I broke down crying excessively when my well intended Aunt and Uncle told me that if I loved him more and seek God more that I would be happier. I’m so tired of “working” on me so that someone else would love me. What a warp concept. My husband so diligently believes everyone else’s opinions and rams in down my throat as to how I should walk and talk but yet does not listened to me about my needs and desires for our relationship. That is why I am seeking PROFESSIONAL help about emotional abuse and stop taking what “others” tell me, not matter how good-intended they are. I understand there are people out there, love ones, good friends, and whatever that are sincere about their experiences and advice but until they truly understand the unhealthiness, and destruction that emotional abuse is, they have no say so! Sorry this is my rant! I do feel for you. HONESTLY! It is debilitating to want to stay and yet know something is not right, but don’t think for a minute that you can’t leave for whatever reason. Yes, finances are a BIG reason, but who is our provider? I’m leaning on God for so much right now and He is forever helping me. I am 2 weeks out now (remember I’m 45 and living with my parents!) and still have moments of regret and doubts hence the need for counseling and most of all-LOVE! I am praying for God to show me genuine love for Him, myself and others so that I can grow healthy and maybe one day have a great relationship with someone if….! (I haven’t got that far in my thoughts yet so forgive me for not finishing that statement.) Your girls are blessed to have a mother to show them that they are important! Because you are!

  5. K says:

    I get that kind of response…or did, until I started telling a few of the more interesting stories of passive aggressive abuse to some close friends. They went from “be patient, he’s in counseling!” to “JERK!” My pivotal moment was when I caught a stomach bug from my grandbaby. I passed out 4 times that night. I hit my head and shoulder on our dog kennel, and hit the concrete floor 2 times, and passed out in my waste basket once. Each time, he stood there. I cleaned up myself and my vomit each time. Finally, when I was somewhat lucid, I told him to call the doctor. He said, “Just take some Theraflu and try to sleep.” He had plans the next morning and didn’t want any interference! I did finally get to the hospital and was dehydrated. He’s left me on the floor before with back injuries and a toddler and a baby; and wasn’t going to come to my gallbladder surgery until his boss told him to get his ass to the hospital or he’d fire him. I’m stuck for now because of finances, but I’m working on that. Emotionally, I’m detached. I’m not terribly nice to him. He doesn’t deserve it. I’m terribly nice to me, though. I deserve it and suddenly find I love myself. I’m not nuts. Take care of yourself and don’t worry about what others say. They don’t know your walk.

  6. Oh my gosh I’ve just read quite a few of your posts and its heart wrenching. Loveless. Soulless. Joyless. Life is about Love. Only Love is real yet it lacks movement in any part of your life with him. It’s really tragic to read. Putting up with this/him does not make you a saint as someone else on here said. It only highlights your fear of independance away from him and this life. You’ve said in other posts that you feel like you’ve wasted your life. Your life is not over, although you could die tomorrow having survived 25 (is it?) long years of abuse with someone who makes you feel so unworthy or you could die having had the strength and courage to break away from these chains that imprison you, the ring you perceive as a “binder.” God created us to reflect all that is beautiful in this world; to experience Love, Joy, Fulfillment, Friendship, Truth and Understanding. You could die tomorrow having had a taste if that freedom, independence and hope for a relationship that provides you with all the love you so so deserve. Life is short. You could leave this world knowing you found the courage and strength to embrace your own inner beauty, your own femininity and set out on that path to rediscover who you truely, what YOUR purpose is because at the moment it seems this man defines and dictates your every move, your every word. He’s even got you referring to yourself as passiveaggressiveabuse. How would he feel abut this blog if he saw it?. Empowered? Elated? Or sad and remorseful? You’re not dreaming this or going crazy. Your husband is abusive and you don’t have to put up and shut up. You know your husband and I am not in your shoes. But as an outsider reading this i feel terribly sad that he’s got you defined as a victim, he’s got you defined and validated by his abuse that stems from his own desperate shortcomings that you have forgotten that you are one heck if an amazingly intelligent, strong, determined, affectionate, and beautifully loving woman who has kept everything together for so long, raised children, protected, loved and nurtured them throughout this A real woman!. A force to be reckoned with! Give yourself some credit. You really will make a deserving man very happy one day and vice versa. Ever thought about making money through your writing or finding a way to use this experience to enhance your cash flow somehow? Workshops/talks? You can help and inspire others once you break away. I can’t wait to read those blogs! Be brave. I am excited for you!

    Sorry if I’m talking out if turn but I feel instead of allowing this man and his poor behaviour towards you continue to affect your own emotional, mental and spiritual well being I can really see you turning it around for yourself with a little courage, belief and positive thinking. No more “discourage” you have all the encouragement here! X

  7. childofthetruth says:

    I agree with “DDMrWrong”!!

    • Thanks and MASSIVE well done to you. I don’t know but I’m so proud. Your life is going to be so happy because you’ve created your own happiness, carving out your own life. Sometimes you have to start from the bottom and build yourself up. Power power power to you! X

  8. jiltaroo says:

    I’m in a passive aggressive relationship too. I’ve tried to end it more times than I can count. It’s good to find a blog on the same subject…I’m sure it will help me.

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