It’s quiet right now

It’s quiet right now.

My older daughter is in another state for college, so there can be no more conflict there.  The car is hers now and she has her own car insurance so there can’t be any conflict about that.  She is not here to mow the grass so there can’t be conflict about that, either.  She doesn’t owe him any money, so there can’t be conflict about that.

My younger daughter is in college, too, even though she still lives at home.  There wasn’t any interaction between her and my husband anyway.  I’m paying for the car she uses, so he presumable won’t be bothering her about that.

I’m at work all day, so I really don’t see him much.

He tells me about his day.  He washes the dishes some.  He has taken out the trash once or twice.  Sometimes he asks me about our daughters.

But it’s really pretty empty.

I can’t talk to him about the things I want to talk to him about because I know it would be pointless.  I would just end up frustrated.

We don’t make love.  I’m sure he would be glad to have sex, but I just can’t do that.  Although sometimes I think about it.  But then he says something inane and I can’t bear the thought of having sex with him.

I was going to say, he’s not acting in a passive aggressive way right now, but I guess that’s not quite true.

A passive aggressive person will not develop a close relationship, will not make love.  So, even though at this particular moment, he is not doing anything blatantly mean, there is nothing going on that is actually building the relationship.

Sometimes I think about asking him again to go to counseling.  But I guess if he actually wanted to go to counseling, he would bring it up.

So, I just cry a lot and pray for deliverance, while I work to save money and try to get rid of my clutter so I can move at some point.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to It’s quiet right now

  1. childofthetruth says:

    Hang in there Dear! I know how it feels. As a counselor said, our roots did not grow deep therefore we are not weathering this “situation”. I believe it. I spoke with mine husband on the phone tonight since last week and we conversed or rather he just talked about cell phones, the dog needing a haircut, and his knee giving him trouble. That’s it! Nothing deep. Never have, never will! It hurts. Hurts alot! But anyway. I pray constantly asking God to show us both His love, and to help me seek His guidance in all this. I don’t think I’ll make the steps towards divorce yet. It’s only be 2 weeks since I left him, but it already feels like he is moving on. He’s playing golf every weekend and is playing this weekend when I go down there to pick up some more things. So much for talking with him more. Hang in there. You will get through this. I’m sure lots of friends think of you and pray good thoughts for you. Lord, help my friend find peace and help her have a good night’s sleep tonight. Thank you!

  2. Woman Friend says:

    I’m only glad you can cry, it seems to keep you open hearted to your loves ones, your daughters. My 17 y/o came home after running away for a couple of days. I insisted on it. I totally get that she’d like to live somewhere happy, and I can’t give that to her here, with him. But I insist on being her mother and finishing “my job” until she’s 18. I do cry once in awhile, but only for my children and for lost years with them, but I am past crying over my PA boyfriend. I totallyget the emptyness you experince today, you draw the image so clearly. I’m sorry for that, it’s a nightmare isn’t it? I want to SCREAM at him to snap out of it, get real, plug in emotionally –but that will never happen. My stomach hurts for the lack of touch and warmth. I’m glad my old faithful dog stands by with an ear to scratch, otherwise I might altogether forget my human nature (to pet and touch, scratch and hug ). Mine never get’s “deep”. How do I get over being the fool?

    • I have started holding, hugging my pillow at night because I just ache. No, Sweetie, he won’t plug in emotionally. I’m glad you have your dog. And I’m glad your daughter is back. “How do I get over being the fool?” Make the decision! Do what you have to do! ~Like I’m such a good example – I’m still here. :{

  3. K says:

    Yes, when they are nice, you wonder what price you’ll pay for that. Just talked to a friend tonight and confided in her about what was going on. She was in a verbally abusive marriage for 15 years, and is now happy with her husband of 12 years. I told her I felt so stupid…so foolish…but you see we all have tried over and over again in vain to “fix” what WE can’t fix. These men are set in their sad ways. This is the way they live; the universe revolves around them. I thought ALL men were like this! Yeah, most men aren’t as emotional as women, but seeing how some of my men friends can blog, or FB or whatever…they FEEL, they EXPRESS. They are in touch with emotion on a level that PA men cannot approach. The loneliness, the lack of intimacy is killing. I thought I had the intimacy problem, that I was the problem. It’s very freeing to realize I’m really normal (except for that pesky codependency thing which is dissolving rapidly) but the problem is now that I ache, like you, for hugs and love.
    In Ephesians, Paul talks about the covenant of marriage; how a woman is to respect her husband (because Paul knew a woman cannot love a man she cannot respect) and the husband is to love his wife as he loves Christ and himself (because Paul knew a man loves himself and must overcome that to achieve godly husbanding). We have tried to fix our marriages. We’ve tried to uphold the covenant. They’ve broken the vows.

    • I find myself wondering if all men are so distant and selfish as my husband. I try to think of friends, relatives, and acquaintances and many of them look like things are good. But, then again, people always thought our family looked good, too. And yes, I used to think it was me, I just needed to do something better and then he would love me. You are right – we have tried and they haven’t. :{ I’m going to start crying and I don’t want to cry right now. :{ But thank you for your comment.

      • K says:

        No one’s life is perfect, but I’ve seen there ARE men out there who will listen and respond. My friend I was talking to–I could tell, even though the get in each other’s nerves, that they love each other. They exchange a look now and then that tells the story…and a look that I’ve never exchanged with my spouse.
        Yeah…we have tried. But we end up back in their comfort zone to keep peace. I’m ready for my peace.

  4. childofthetruth says:

    K, I agree with alot of what you wrote and yet I still wonder if I did give it my best. I know I can’t fix my husband, but I know God can. And yet I don’t know if I want to go back and wait on my Heavenly Father to help him. The thought scares me.

    • K says:

      I’m working on getting him out, CofT. I’ve been in this for 30 years. I’ve tried. When the underling abuse started taking its toll, I stopped trying so hard…self-protection. I don’t blame you for not wanting to wait for God to fix it. I’m done.

  5. childofthetruth says:

    K, 30 years????? Wow! If you don’t mind me asking, what does your husband do that finally made you realize enough is enough?

  6. K says:

    So many things…all along the lines of what this sweet blogger writes. The turning point was when he wouldn’t take care of me when I passed out 4 times with a stomach bug, I hit cement, dog kennel, etc., falling. Long story, but we’re only together for financial reasons right now. He’s trying, with counseling…but that was the final wake up call –he’s left me I’ll before. I have Lupus, have worked hard to stay well with the stress.

  7. childofthetruth says:

    I can somewhat relate. While my husband and I went on vacation together with my parents in beautiful North Carolina, I caught a nasty stomach bug. While I’m laying in bed feeling like crap, my husband decides to go to the nearby golf course and take pictures. My blood pressure dropped so bad that it woke me out of my sleep and my parents called the local clinic for advice. My step-father stayed with me and comforted me. Where was my husband?????????????????? He said I was asleep and that there was nothing he could do for me. ARGH!!!!!!!!! My step-father’s presence was so comforting and he didn’t do anything but just was there!

    • K says:

      Yep. Mine has left me on the floor unable to move much..back was out…with a toddler and baby. Granted, he left me some coffee. Then he wasn’t planning on being at the hospital when I had surgery, either. True, some men are not caregivers. However, even if they can’t tend, they need to be present for the person they vowed to care for. I have always been there for him, through hepatitis, knee surgery, chest pain, injuries.
      Your stepdad was there cuz he loves you. There ARE men out there who are capable of this! Mine, if he has to help, terrorizes the household–he started yelling at 2 in the morning that mom needed to go to the hospital. Scared my boys out of a sound sleep.
      They are not able to view the world through anyone else’s eyes. They are 4 years old. They cannot empathize.
      Now, WE have to decide what OUR payoff in staying is. More than anything, it’s only financial.

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