Dear anonyman,

Thank you for your comment on a previous post.  I appreciate your honesty.

Don’t be afraid for being male!  Throughout my whole life, my favorite people have been male.  I hope my blog does not come across as male-bashing because I do not intend that at all. 

I don’t know if you like to read, but if you do (or even if you don’t), there are some really good books out there that I would recommend.  If you read just one, I would suggest “His Needs Her Needs.”  We each have needs (needs, not wants) in a relationship and this book goes through each of them.  Another good book is “The 5 Love Languages.”  This one describes learning to understand what is meaningful to your partner, so you can “speak” to her (or him) in a way that is meaningful to her (or him).  “How We Love” is also a good one for understanding “where the other person is coming from.”  And a book to read just for yourself is “Your Ex Factor.”  Actually, maybe that would be a good one to start with!

Have you attended couples’ counseling with your fiancee?  Maybe that could bring out issues ahead of time so they don’t escalate in the future.  If I might, I would also suggest that you personally attend Al-Anon since your ex-wife was alcoholic.  That could make a huge difference for you and for your future relationship(s).

How does your fiancee define “feeling supported”?

Here’s a thought for you:  maybe you are dating the same kind of woman all over again.  We tend to stick with what we are comfortable with, with what we know, not necessarily doing what is healthy for us.  One of my big fears for myself is that if I am ever free from this marriage that I will end up again with a man who is unhealthy because I haven’t gotten healthy enough to stay away from unhealthy men!

Are all women emotionally needy?  All women (and men, for that matter) have emotional needs.  But I don’t think all women are emotionally needy.  I think the healthiest, happiest relationships come from each person being healthy and whole and mature.

I don’t need a man to be perfect.  I want a man to be whole-heartedly giving to me and to our relationship, just as I would whole-heartedly give to him and to our relationship.   I would want to know that I truly am the most important person in his life, that I can trust him.  I don’t expect that there would never be problems.  I would just expect that he would be willing to work on the problems with me, doing whatever needs to be done over time to reach solutions.  I would want him to be mature and address the things he needs to address in his life just like I need to address the things I need to address in my life.  For example, I have had to face the fact that I am co-dependent.  My husband, on the other hand, will not even remotely consider the mere possibility that he could maybe be passive aggressive.

Thank you again for your comment.  When I first started reading it, I was happy for you that you found someone special, because I am very romantic, and I love happy endings.  However, if you have doubts, please be very careful.  The doubts are probably there for a good reason.  But I do hope you will have a happy ending.

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3 Responses to Dear anonyman,

  1. anonyman says:

    “Are all women emotionally needy? All women (and men, for that matter) have emotional needs. But I don’t think all women are emotionally needy. I think the healthiest, happiest relationships come from each person being healthy and whole and mature.” Yes, yes. I winced at what I wrote; i was full of bluster (out of frustration). i suppose i meant to emphasize that there are two sides to every story and two sides to how men and women “deal” and see the world, but it’s not like you don’t make that perfectly clear from the get-go. (besides, it’s a blog!) You threw a lot my way, which is very much appreciated. thanks! it’s clear you have a lot figured out. your posts are smart.

    on one hand, i haven’t read any of the books you mentioned, but they definitely sound worthwhile. and part ii of that: my fiancee and i have — in fact — been seeing a counselor for a while, which was precipitated by how resistant my somewhat-spointed daughter’s been (e.g., “Dad, you could do better…”). (And since when did engaged couples seek couples counseling?) yes, i have lots to sort out for myself, which includes looking in the mirror. “Hey, Self, why can’t you just get overself and let go — as in, ‘have no fear’ — with this relatiionship?”

    i trust Fiancee like crazy. she makes me laugh. we have all the chemistry in the world. she’s smart. she’s thoughtful, mindful, considerate, etc. (like most women). i feel adored. when Fiancee says she *knows* i’m the guy for her, how could i question that? my cold-ish feet *must* be my problem, and i think i’m beginning to wonder if it’s because of how miserly and grudging i get when it comes to the emotional side of things, whether this means being patient enough to just listen and listen (mouth shut) and/or having the balls to tell her what i really think. anyway… hope some of this makes sense. thanks!

    • I didn’t mean my post to critize you at all! I hope you didn’t take it that way! I was simply offering food for thought – only you know if it fits you. I think it is very wise for any/every couple to go to couples counseling. I’m glad that you love and respect your daughter enough to go to counseling. That is awesome! I think a loving man would listen and listen with mouth shut, but ALSO be able to lovingly, respectfully say what he thinks. In a good relationship, each person should be able to tell the other, lovingly, respectully what they are thinking. And yes, there are two sides to every story. I have no doubt that my husband sees things differently than I do! The problem is, we have no way to connect, to resolve things, to get closer. That’s my frustration! I also realize that men don’t express their emotions as readily or in the same way as women. I guess that is part of learning about the other person and how to relate to the other person. You wrote that your fiancee says she knows you are the guy for her, how can you question that. Sir, YOU have to know for YOU! Can you talk to your counselor alone or another counselor alone about your doubts? Please don’t marry her with so many doubts! It’s not fair to you or to her. My instict still would say that doubts are there for a reason – whether it is because of her or because of you or both. Waiting to get married until you get this at least somewhat resolved ultimately might be a good thing for the relationship. Please keep me posted. I wish the best for you!

  2. You should listen and let her say all that she needs to say. She should also listen and let you say all that you need to say. You both should be open and honest with each other about everything no matter how you think it will make the other feel. But in a good way. You shouldn’t talk down to each other you shouldn’t talk at each other or criticize each other. You both should understand that you are not going to always like what the other has to say or that it might upset you a little but know that it is being said because it is on the other persons mind and something that is bothering them. If you leave things unsaid and just try to forget them or not think about them is how things ad up and build up. Because no matter how big or small it is once something else next week and something a few days later and something a couple months down the road is added to it it gets blown up. Even if you still say nothing about any of it you always think about it and it always comes up when something else happens. You should never say things to be hurtful. You really have to listen to each other and pay attention to what the other is saying too. You may not mean to sound hurtful or like you are criticize or anything like that but it may come across to the other person that way. If it does they need to say something too and it needs to be worked out. Sometimes it is hard to talk about things or say how you are feeling the best way to do it is to talk abut it but if you can’t try writing a letter. If you all are having problems now I would really hold off on getting married until you are doing better. Starting a marriage with problems isn’t setting up for a happy ending. Some times women are just more needy no one women is different they all have their times even the strongest of women have their moments and times that they are going to be needier. Most the time it is when they feel they have finally found someone that truly cares and who is truly there for them and won’t judge them. Good luck.

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