self-justification – or not

I said in my previous post that I might write a post of self-justification.

But there really is no point.  His words were unjust.  Untrue.  They hurt me deeply.

I am not guiltless.  I have spent too much money.  Although, I do NOT have thousands of dollars worth of pots in my garden.  Not even close.  It is true that my daughters did not have jobs.  I would do that differently if I were to do it all over again.  And, yes, I rarely touch him.

So much of what he accused me of is simply not the case.  But I am too tired of it all to spell everything out yet again. I have already written so much of it various places on my blog.

I do want to say, though, that I really don’t know what else he wants me to pay for, unless it is my own food and my own electricity.  I already pay for my gasoline, my clothes, my shoes, the car for my daughter and its insurance.  My company pays for my health insurance, but I am paying for my daughters’ health insurance and will have to pay the deductible and the office visit costs.  We own the house, so there is no mortgage or rent.  So, really, except for my food and electricity, I am just about paying everything for myself.  My daughters have gone to school on Pell Grants and my older one has a loan and a job, so he isn’t paying a dime for our daughters.  I don’t know.  It is all so unjust.

The message my brain heard from him yesterday was:  I don’t want to take care of you.  You are not important to me.  Your needs and desires are not worth my attention.

I feel so insane.  I cannot think straight today.

In the movie “X-Men:  First Class,”  there is a scene where Sebastian Shaw hurls energy at Darwin.  Darwin’s mutant power is that he adapts to whatever situation he is in.  So, Darwin tried to adapt to the energy that was hurled at him.  It was too much for him and, in trying to adapt, to absorb the energy, it killed him.  I feel like that.  I feel like I am trying to adapt, trying to absorb what is being hurled at me and it is destroying me.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to self-justification – or not

  1. tt says:

    IT is just more “crazy making”…. I want to vomit with every mention of denial “they” make….YOUR PA AND MINE!…. NEVER LOOKING WITHIN! only finding blame with others….. IRONICALLY my husband has been appalled all week with new employee at his job that will not even look at him or speak to him in any way to aknowledge him…..and he is beside himself…. I find it hillarious! I deal with this regulary when is it trying to prove a point with me. You reap what you sow!

  2. tt says:

    OH AND BTW …. my PA husband cannot concieve of anything that he has ever done in the past 12 years that could ever possibly cause me to be anything but the loving adoring and “worshipping the ground he walked on woman” that I used sincerely be.

  3. Catherine Todd says:

    You are hearing the message loud and clear:

    “I don’t want to take care of you. You are not important to me. Your needs and desires are not worth my attention.”

    In my case, it was just that this was not what I WANTED to hear. So I stayed, arguing, cajoling, being depressed, being angry, being lost… and a whole lot more. He wanted my to not only pay all of my own bills, including food and electricity, but HIS. When I finally filed for divorce, he added up all the rent, utilties, food, electricity, telphone bills and the parts he had FINALLY kicked in (after months and years of arguments) and told me I OWED IT TO HIM.

    All I could do was laugh and say “go tell it to the phone company that they owe you a refund because I’m leaving. You didn’t pay me a dime. You paid these people. See what the landlord says about giving your “your money back.”

    To this day, whatever I earned from my own business he says he “gave to me.

    I remarried this person after 20 years thinking things have finally changed. It’s like a broken record. What a fool I was and what a fool I am. But not for much longer, I hope. I stayed because my abusive family said “no one would ever want me” and a few so-called jealous “friends” said I was “lucky anyone would want to marry me.” I can’t believe I’ve allowed these losers to keep me in a miserable marriage and allowed those negative tapes playing in my head to keep me in miserable situations for most of my life.

    I am going to break free and the only prison is the one I’ve made, or the one I’ve stayed in. There’s no real lock on the door except my own fear. And I hold the key.

    All I have to do is walk on through into the future and I will.

    “The winds of grace blow all the time; all we need do is set our sails.”

    Dear God please show me The Way.

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