I am so ashamed to write this.

I almost didn’t write it but since my blog is my story, I have to write it.

I let him have sex with me this morning.

He started touching me and I want to be loved and be touched so badly and my mind went through its crazy thinking – maybe it will be different this time.

At first it was nice to be touched, but then I remembered that I hate the way he “makes love.”  I won’t go into details, but he just doesn’t know how to be a good lover.  And, yes, I have tried, I don’t know how many times, to tell him what pleases me.

I thought I was going to be o.k., but then when I was done (but not really; again, not going into the details), I started crying and crying and crying.  I just wanted to die.  So badly, I wanted to die.  I wanted to take the vase of roses and smash them against the window.  (But, that would make a mess and I, of course, would have to clean it up.  Oh, and it might hurt his feelings.  Can you tell I am still seriously co-dependent?)

So after I calm down a little bit, he says:

I love you.

I’m sorry I made you cry.

Can I put my penis in you?

Well, you know me.  I let him.  Somehow, I zoned out enough, thinking maybe he’ll be quick.  Of course, years ago when I actually wanted him to last, he didn’t.  But now, when I just want him off me,  he takes his own sweet time.  He tells me I’m beautiful.  He tells me I feel so good.

By the time he finishes, I am crying again.  He says, “Oh, (my name), I love you!”

I know it’s my own fault for letting him, but how can a man have an orgasm while his wife is crying???

Anyhow, then I wanted to die all over again.  I cried and cried some more.  I’m not crying now, but I feel so shaky.

And to think, in my thinking about leaving, I’ve been wondering if I would have the courage to tell him I am leaving because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

When will I ever learn?

Now I am going to go eat fist-fulls of chocolate chips, my drug of choice.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to TMI

  1. I’m sorry. You aren’t a bad person for wanting sex or for not enjoying it with him. He’s obviously trampling over your feelings and not really caring. I’ve been there too. The title of your blog reminds me of this book I read during the divorce that really helped me a lot. It was called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. If you haven’t read it before its a really helpful book for understanding male behavior in situations like this and also understanding your own reactions.

  2. K says:

    What Lifeofalovergirl said. Mine’s the same way. I could be sobbing in the living room and he’d walk by wondering what’s for dinner. He doesn’t really care…not the way you and I think men should care. They are different animals…then add the PA stuff and it’s a recipe for an emotional-less marriage. It sucks. I know.

  3. Look, a man can even have an orgasm while in the car, talking on the phone to his colleagues about work and stuff. Apparently it is more of a physical thing to most men, they don’t need to feel an emotional connection to enjoy the act. That’s also why so many men love porn.
    (There are exceptions on both sides, I know men who are really sensitive and women -like me- who are not, but still…)

    I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask this (and by all means I don’t want to offend you) but do you masturbate? From what I’ve heard most women can have orgasms with a vibrator because it is not a person and they can subconsciously objectify the act, like men automatically do. If you would have a way of satisfying the purely physical, perhaps it would be less hard to say no to him…

    Don’t feel bad about it… “Errare Humanum Est”, and we’re all only human. It’s normal for you to want affection.

    huggles and love,

  4. childofthetruth says:

    He just doesn’t get it. Sorry WP! After my husband wants to hurt me with stupid jibes and enuendos in our conversations this past week, I said enough is enough. I’ve been worried about hurting him and he doesn’t seem to think much about how he is hurting me. Same goes for your husband. I know it’s tough right now, but wait until you can get away from him and how much better you WILL feel. That’s a promise.

    • Yeah, I’ve often thought about caring and considerate I have tried to be toward him, and yet, I rarely sense that he does the same for me. I really so want to feel better. I am so tired of feeling crazy, of feeling like the life is being sucked out of me.

  5. tt says:

    I really need more insight on this not wanting to hurt his feelings…. This is the same things that I deal with every time I try to tell him what is hurting me, and then we have a fight. Things get really ugly, and then when things settle down – I am left with all these doubts, and carry all this responsibilty for the wrongs, and start second guessing what I REALLY know to be truth. By the time everything is said and done, I feel so sorry for him that I can barely stand myself, and then I am never able to be strong enough to hold my ground for what I deserve, because I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM! This I dont understand, but you are calling it co-dependency… Can you explain this to me?

    • I’ll try to write more about it for you, but basically, it is about defending him rather than defending yourself, it is about being more concerned about him than for yourself, it is being more involved in his story than your own story. But I DO understand feeling sorry for him! I often feel sorry for my husband! I will write more about it and see if I can’t try to explain it better.

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