No more doubt

I realize that I have been blogging about my marriage for almost a year now, although the pain and emptiness have been for much, much, much longer than that.  And I realize also that, if you have read my blog very much, you have probably asked, why is she still there?

 I don’t have the financial resources to leave, but more than that, I haven’t been sure.  I have had doubts.  So many doubts.  Should I stay?  Should I go?  What if he really does love me?  What if I am wrong?  What if this can be fixed?  Should I stay?  Should I go?

 Well, I don’t have any more doubt.

 The doubt started ending when he would have nothing to do with helping to provide a car for our younger daughter to use to drive to college.

 Then, he, yet again, refused to go to counseling and blamed everything, yet again, on me.  The “niceness” was superficial, and the marriage was not going to get any better on its own, and he wasn’t willing to participate in the healing.

 Yeah, you’re wondering, duh, why didn’t you see this before?  I did.  I just really didn’t want to face it.  I kept hoping I was wrong, hoping there was something I didn’t see, hoping things would somehow get better.

 Another straw was him wanting me to pay half of the health insurance, meaning I would be covering my daughters and at least a third of his expenses, when he makes at least four times as much as I do.  As it is, my company pays for my insurance and I pay for my daughters.  He pays for himself on his own insurance.  Still, where is the taking-care-of-your-family part of this?

 And the final straw.  Saturday morning, when sex felt more like rape that making love.  If he could do that to me, and I could let him….  

 So, now I have no more doubt about leaving.  None.

 I know I have a long row to hoe and an awful lot to face, but at least I have no more doubt.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to No more doubt

  1. I did not hit like because I like your situation. I can relate. I get it. I am glad you have found your answers that you needed. May the road ahead be full of healing, less headache, and a lot less passive aggressive BS.

  2. hiddinsight says:

    I am sorry this is happening to you, but I am proud of you for “knowing.” It didn’t take you too long. It took you just the right amount of time. Now you know you’re ready.

  3. Paula says:

    You deserve to be free from this abuse. No more emotional bruises, no more pain, no more feelings of doubt. The journey to healing begins with this first step. You made it. I know the pain of this decision and the nausea that comes with it. But you have a lot of people right here, ready and willing to give you the support you need. Remember that many of us have done this. You can do this, too. I have read every blog entry you have written since January when I first became active on WordPress. It’s clear nothing is changing and nothing is getting better. No matter how much you want it to get better, it won’t get better. We can’t fix anyone. We can only change our situation and fix ourselves. I am incredibly happy for you! XOXO

  4. Congratulations! Just facing that is a big step already!
    *Huggles you tight*

  5. Life's journey and more says:

    It’s always scary to begin on an unknown path even when, where we are, we know it’s not good for us. I know once you have completed this you will feel a large amount of relief. I have been down this road. The amount of relief you will feel is much greater than the challenges you will face.
    Be true to yourself!!!!

  6. I felt the same way about sex at the end. No matter how much he knew i didn’t want it or would to end up crying it didn’t stop him from doing it. I am so glad you don’t have any more doubts about what you really want. It’s just a matter of time before you decide that enough is enough and no matter how things are you will be ok and that you have to get out. I knew 11/5/10 that it was it but I still stayed until 10/30 of the following year before I decided that no matter what he had to go. I had told him a few times but he never followed threw with leaving. This time there was no chose for him he had to go no matter what. i told him either have a place to go or I will drop your stuff at your mom and dads house. He found a place to go.

  7. Jennifer says:

    I stumbled on your blog when looking at the signs of P-A. I recently ended a relationship with a man that was classic P-A. However, I didn’t recognize the signs at the times. It was amazing for me the events that lead up to the decision to leave. However, I just couldn’t work with someone that constantly ran when I presented a problem, I couldn’t believe he expected so much of me and never gave the same effort back. I couldn’t deal with him constantly reminding me that I just wasn’t what he was looking for that he wanted someone to take care of him, do his laundry, make him breakfast and dinner and bring him lunch go to his car shows early on my days off and the list goes on. I had my questions too when sex felt more like an unemotional act and I felt like a cheap hooker afterwards. I can recall a night I was helping him out after putting in a long day at work and I asked for him to help me put my seatbelt on and he refused. My straw was when he refused to bring me some warm winter items from my car to me after it had rained on me. It was clear he didn’t care about me at all. I found him in my apartment having showered and was watching a movie when I got home soaked. I was pissed. This was too much.

    • I’m glad that you recognized it and that you were able to get out! Good for you! Thank you for sharing your comment with me. What great examples of passive aggressive behavior! We give so much, too much, and they can’t give back when we need them to.

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