I realize that I have been blogging about my marriage for almost a year now, although the pain and emptiness have been for much, much, much longer than that. And I realize also that, if you have read my blog very much, you have probably asked, why is she still there?
I don’t have the financial resources to leave, but more than that, I haven’t been sure. I have had doubts. So many doubts. Should I stay? Should I go? What if he really does love me? What if I am wrong? What if this can be fixed? Should I stay? Should I go?
Well, I don’t have any more doubt.
The doubt started ending when he would have nothing to do with helping to provide a car for our younger daughter to use to drive to college.
Then, he, yet again, refused to go to counseling and blamed everything, yet again, on me. The “niceness” was superficial, and the marriage was not going to get any better on its own, and he wasn’t willing to participate in the healing.
Yeah, you’re wondering, duh, why didn’t you see this before? I did. I just really didn’t want to face it. I kept hoping I was wrong, hoping there was something I didn’t see, hoping things would somehow get better.
Another straw was him wanting me to pay half of the health insurance, meaning I would be covering my daughters and at least a third of his expenses, when he makes at least four times as much as I do. As it is, my company pays for my insurance and I pay for my daughters. He pays for himself on his own insurance. Still, where is the taking-care-of-your-family part of this?
And the final straw. Saturday morning, when sex felt more like rape that making love. If he could do that to me, and I could let him….
So, now I have no more doubt about leaving. None.
I know I have a long row to hoe and an awful lot to face, but at least I have no more doubt.