about sex – uh-gin

It was about this time last year that this happened, so it has been on my mind.

As you probably already know if you read my blog much, I started crying when sex was over after we had been married about ten or twelve years.  I felt so miserable, so wretched.  The marriage was so empty and it hurt so much emotionally to have sex.  And at the same time I wanted it so badly.  Actually, what I wanted was to make love, but that is not really so possible without an emotional connection.  (I think I have written before about having to make the choice between starving to death or eating poisoned food.)

He did know I cried.  Sometimes he would say he was sorry I cried, or he wished he could make it better for me.  But I often wondered if he really had any clue how wretched it made me feel.

Last year, about this time, one night he was on top of me and I felt just wretched.  I wanted him to stop, to get off, to go away.  I wanted to die.  I didn’t say anything, though.  I just lay there, trying so hard not to cry, trying to stop thinking about killing myself.  So, he’s taking his own sweet time and I want to die, and he says, “I wish you could enjoy this.”

He knew.  He knew he was making me miserable and it meant nothing to him.

Maybe it sounds like I am holding a grudge.  Don’t know.  But the moment was so very eye-opening to me.  I think that is why it sticks in my mind.  That a man could profess to love me and yet treat me this way.

Of course, I have to question myself for letting this go on.  So I am not guiltless in this.

Anyway, I won’t ever have sex with him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just want to be gone.  To be done with all of this.

I want peace.

And to make love.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to about sex – uh-gin

  1. hiddinsight says:

    Have you told him? I don’t mean to pry, but before my affair I felt like this quite often. When he found out about the affair it opened up communication and this the emptional connection. It took time. Counselling. And a lot of effort, but it amazed me that there was even hope.

  2. Woman Friend says:

    Why would you want to keep punishing yourself –or him? Honestly, it looks like you are punishing him when you cry and carry on and refuse to participate in some healthy sex. If you did that to me, I would stop sleeping with you! I would move out of the bedroom, if not the house! Maybe that’s your goal: to make him abandon you so you don’t have to be the one to pack up and leave? Also, if you plan on leaving the relationship at some point in time, you might practice sleeping alone. Since you have stated numerous times you are co-dependant, it’s going to be really hard to go cold turkey sleeping alone. Is there another bedroom in the house you could move into? I say these things because you are obviously looking for feedback, without judgement. There you go.

    • I am fine sleeping by myself; very peaceful and relaxed. I do not cry to punish him; the crying is unbidden and uncontrollable. I try very hard not to cry. I wish I wouldn’t cry. I do not choose to feel like killing myself after I have sex. I would LOVE healthy sex, but healthy sex is not possible with a passive aggressive man.

      • Woman Friend says:

        How would you know what healthy sex is like? Honestly, after 24-26 years of marriage to a passive-aaggressive, isn’t it possible that your ideas about sex and intimacy are romantic fantasy? I know you are looking for support, and you deserve it. Like you, I seem to need an empathetic witness to the daily mind fu#!ing covert CRAP he doles out. But I think you are also entitled to some honest feedback. Stop leaving yourself vulnerable to his sexual abuse. Move out of the bedroom. Practice single. Practice. IMHO.

  3. That a man could profess to love me and yet treat me this way.

    I finally at some point had this very same thought and decided that was it no more sex I wasn’t not enjoying it I didn’t want it and he didn’t care. To me that was about the lowest of the low that he could do. It showed me very clearly that he cared more about himself than he would ever care about anyone including his own wife. Someone who can do that to someone knowing how they feel and how bad it is to them and who can still do it is really no better than someone who attacks a stranger to me. I don’t think they would ever do that I think that with them in their minds we are married to them and we are obligated to have sex with them. There for even if we don’t want it and they do then we should still do it. And I wasn’t one who would only do it because I was in the mood when things were good. There would be times that I maybe really didn’t want to but he did and I would just as there were times he didn’t but I did. That is one thing but what they done/are doing is way different.

    I hope that you are able to get out and soon.

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