Yesterday, I went to talk to Julie, the therapist, again.

I told her about feeling more dead than alive, about feeling like I was just going through the motions of living, but not really feeling alive.  She said I was bored.  That I don’t have anything to do.  That I’ve raised my daughters and that my job doesn’t give me enough to do.

(And, of course, my marriage is anything but interesting!)

We talked some about depression.  About depression being a manifestation of rage. About all the years of living with an empty marriage taking its toll on me.

We talked about my leaving.  That nothing is going to change unless I make a change.

We talked about not having any expectations of him so I can’t be hurt by him.  Because, sometimes, I still think, maybe this time will be different.

I told her that sometimes I wonder if I just use money as an excuse not to leave.  She said that she wonders the same thing, too.

I told her that I feel like I have wasted my life. 

And she told me not to waste any more of it.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to bored

  1. It’ll be amazing (and exhausting) how much you’ll love your life, how much ownership you’ll suddenly take of your life, once you leave. I felt the same way, like I’d wasted to much time…I have a new life, one I made, one that is MINE, one that I love.
    Its hard, but its absolutely worth it!

    • Thanks! I actually get really scared. I guess not scared about actually being on the other side of this, but about the leaving process, all the emotion that is going to be involved. Both mine and his.

      • He’ll have to figure his crap out on his own, just like you’ll have to do the same. You’re not his caretaker (though he might try to hang onto you, blame you for his feelings, make you feel guilty for wanting a life with love and compassion and respect.) You have a support system, use them – you’ll be ok!
        This is an opportunity for you to learn how to set boundaries and to take care of yourself.
        The process is rough, but, I know for myself, I made it into a much bigger deal than it really was.
        Hugs to you!

      • You are right. I think that when I think about leaving him, I am still caretaking him because I think about how he will handle it, when, as you said, he will have to figure it out. Thank you!

  2. Melanie says:

    It is hard. It is worth it. There are resources. I had to set aside my pride when I went to apply for welfare, food stamps, and medicaid, but it eased the financial pressure. I knew I could put gas in my car. I knew I could eat. I knew I could see the doctor. Those resources put me on the path to independence. I didn’t know that I could be eligible for low-income housing as well, and that would have been a big help.
    If you would like some research help, let me know.

  3. You’re never to old to make a change. Never. We’re all here to support you!

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