his needs vs my pain

Yesterday morning:

him:  I think we should have sex.

me:  Why?

him:  Because we should, because it’s good for us, because we’re supposed to, and you’re my wife.

me:  It makes me cry, it hurts me so much, it makes me want to die

him: But I love you and I’m horny.

At this point, I got his message:  “My need is greater than your pain.”

I realized, too, that this is also the message that I have given him all these years:

“Your need is greater than my pain.”

So every time I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to ripple the calm waters of his world by the tsunamis of my world, I was actually saying, your need is greater than my pain.

Every time I “fixed” something that was actually his responsibility, I was saying, your need is greater than my pain.

Every time I gave in to his pouts and whines and covert demands, I was saying, your need is greater than my pain.

Can you say, “codependent”?

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to his needs vs my pain

  1. K says:

    So what did you tell him? He’s clueless, like mine.

  2. “Codependent”. Can you say “mind reader”?
    A very dear friend of mine, nay, my very best friend called me this morning (from church because were he to find that she and I had had contact he would deem her deserving of “punishment”) and asked me to do some research on passive aggression and the silent treatment in particular. I so appreciate this blog and the candor with which you write on this subject.
    I too have been the victim of this type of passive aggressive abuse. Though that relationship is now over, I’ve known for some time that all those years hurt me deeply. The sadness, the depression, the constant doubting myself and the utter emptiness one feels when he attempts to give everything to a relationship only to finally accept the fact that he has allowed himself to settle into a cold hard cell of control.
    I’d like to tell all of you stuck in your own personal hells to get out asap…but I didn’t do that for myself. I stayed, bought a home and had a large family so sure that each new life event would finally fix everything. I’d like to tell you all that once it is over you’ll be instantly healed but it’s been nearly a decade since she and I have lived in the same home and I still feel broken and inadequate. I’m scared to death of even friendly relationships as I’ve somehow convinced myself that there is something wrong with me and as such I’m setting myself up for disaster in getting close to anyone. I’m sure I only have this best friend who called this morning because she is an extraordinary woman and she still sees me as the happy, outgoing and confident guy I was back when she and I were young. I so want to be that guy again. I really loved him and it seemed everyone else did too.
    I can tell you that once my wife and I separated I suddenly found myself second guessing the relationship I have with my children. They’ve always been with me so there was no separation anxiety but when you start believing that you’ve failed so miserably in the relationship you had with your spouse it’s easy to start to second guess your ability to nurture a healthy, loving relationship with anyone. I know that I am a loving person and were I not a strong man all that I’ve been through would have surely killed me by now. But I find my feelings being very easily hurt by my own children who are simply doing what teenagers do. When we did finally split my confidence in the fact that it was the best thing for our children and my own hopes for finally feeling better about myself made things pretty easy. Now if only I could fix the parts of me that were broken over all those years…
    Wow, what a ridiculously rambling attempt to say, thank you for your work here.
    And thanks to Paula as well for the mention of NPD in her comment on your piece entitled, “Silent Treatment…Again”. Based on what my friend has told me about her situation this is another area in which I’ll be spending some time researching for this incredible woman for whom I would do anything to help.

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