paralyzing fear

I am speaking tomorrow night at a fund-raising event for Go Red For Women.  It will be held in the three-story penthouse on top of a down-town office building, the home of a very rich lady.  I will be one of several speaking to about forty or fifty very rich ladies in hopes that they will contribute money towards Go Red For Women.

Sometimes I am fine with this.  Sometimes, like this afternoon, I am absolutely terrified.

I wrote my speech this afternoon even though I had been thinking about it for awhile.   And then I went to talk to my mentor about it for a minute.  She is also speaking.  In fact, she is the one who got me involved with GRFW.

And suddenly, I felt so very stupid.  So paralyzingly worthless.

My mentor is wonderful.  But sometimes I stand in so much awe of her and get so nervous.  She is an executive where I now work.  One of four, and the only lady, who report directly to the president of our company.

Anyhow, these feelings washed over me this afternoon.  That I was stupid, that I was worthless, that I would say the wrong thing, that these rich ladies will look down on me and wonder what I am doing in their midst.

I try to remind myself that people are people, regardless of how much money they have.  I try to remind myself that I wouldn’t have been asked to speak if someone, several someones, didn’t think I would do a good job for them.  I try to remind myself that it will be o.k.

I left the office this evening wanting to feel loved and comforted.  I wanted someone to hold me.  I wanted someone whom I could trust to look me in the eye and tell me that I am o.k.  That it is o.k. to be me.  That I don’t have to be something else.   That I am enough, that I am good enough as I am now.  That I will do fine tomorrow night, and that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me.

I know I should be able to tell myself these things and believe these things, but I don’t.  I try to believe them.  I really do.  But somehow, deep down in the middle of me, there is this paralyzing fear that I am not o.k., that I am not enough, that I really am worthless.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to paralyzing fear

  1. You can thank your husband for this. You are strong. You are smart. You are ok. Spending years upon years with someone who never validates this about you, who never encourages these things in you, will slowly erode your confidence. Good luck speaking today. I’m CERTAIN you will be AWESOME!

    • Thank you!!! :} I appreciate your encouragement so much! I do think that he has eroded my confidence over the years. Not that it was great to begin with, but I think a good relationship would help both people be better, stronger, and healthier over all. My speaking did go well! :} They thought I did a great job! I am so glad! :}

  2. iwonttakeit says:

    You can do this and you will be fabulous! Remember who you REALLY are, not who he wants you to be :-)

    • Thank you! :} My speaking went really well. :} I think after all these years with him, I forgot who I am. Being me hasn’t been “OK.” I guess I need to remember who I am and not let him stop me from that! Thank you so much for your encouragement! :}

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