I am speaking tomorrow night at a fund-raising event for Go Red For Women. It will be held in the three-story penthouse on top of a down-town office building, the home of a very rich lady. I will be one of several speaking to about forty or fifty very rich ladies in hopes that they will contribute money towards Go Red For Women.
Sometimes I am fine with this. Sometimes, like this afternoon, I am absolutely terrified.
I wrote my speech this afternoon even though I had been thinking about it for awhile. And then I went to talk to my mentor about it for a minute. She is also speaking. In fact, she is the one who got me involved with GRFW.
And suddenly, I felt so very stupid. So paralyzingly worthless.
My mentor is wonderful. But sometimes I stand in so much awe of her and get so nervous. She is an executive where I now work. One of four, and the only lady, who report directly to the president of our company.
Anyhow, these feelings washed over me this afternoon. That I was stupid, that I was worthless, that I would say the wrong thing, that these rich ladies will look down on me and wonder what I am doing in their midst.
I try to remind myself that people are people, regardless of how much money they have. I try to remind myself that I wouldn’t have been asked to speak if someone, several someones, didn’t think I would do a good job for them. I try to remind myself that it will be o.k.
I left the office this evening wanting to feel loved and comforted. I wanted someone to hold me. I wanted someone whom I could trust to look me in the eye and tell me that I am o.k. That it is o.k. to be me. That I don’t have to be something else. That I am enough, that I am good enough as I am now. That I will do fine tomorrow night, and that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me.
I know I should be able to tell myself these things and believe these things, but I don’t. I try to believe them. I really do. But somehow, deep down in the middle of me, there is this paralyzing fear that I am not o.k., that I am not enough, that I really am worthless.