don’t even know

At the end of work, I was – yet again -dreading coming home.

I was wondering what it would be like to come home to a peaceful, loving evening, instead of a stress-filled one, wondering what it would be like coming home to a man with whom I actually had a good relationship, whom I enjoyed being with, wondering what it would be like to have a pleasant evening and then make love.

And you know what?  I don’t even know what that would look like anymore.  I have been so empty in this relationship for so many years that I don’t even know what a good, loving relationship would be like.

Then I started wondering if such a thing is even possible, or if it is just another fairy tale.  Or maybe it is possible.  But just not for me.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to don’t even know

  1. childofthetruth says:

    I know exactly how you feel. I can only hope, but at the same time wonder if I’ll ever be so lucky. Right now, I have peace. It feels comforting coming to a place where I’m staying that he is not there. It will happen for you. I know it. You are working towards that goal. Don’t forget that. Hang in there. It won’t be much longer. Hang in there!

  2. I feel so down and discouraged right now. So trapped. I feel like I’ll always be here in this purgatory, that nothing will ever get any better for me. I’m glad you have peace.

    • childofthetruth says:

      I’m sorry you are down. Please don’t be. There is hope. You are not trapped. You are working so to one day leave, right?! Then remember that. I know you are scared. I know I was. Each step towards what I really wanted was scary. Finding a job, having a place to stay, telling my sons. ALL SCARY! But…it’s worth it. Have you set a date yet? The date that you will leave. Think about that. I believe it will give you hope again. You told him that you are leaving, now set a date. You can do it! Go on! You can do it!

      • Yes, I am working to leave one day. I guess I am really scared. REALLY scared on so many levels. I’m scared to set a date! Because if I set a day, then it might actually happen! Ever since you posted this comment, I have really been thinking about what you said. This morning, I was thinking, maybe by this time next year. But I also don’t know how that would work with my daughter’s college. But maybe I just need to pick the date and work on making it happen, whatever the obstacles. I wish I would get a raise! That would make this easier, because right now, I don’t make enough to support my daughter and me. If it were just me, I would be more likely to take that chance. Thank you for the encouragement.

  3. @ChildoftheTruth – You are absolutely, 100% right.
    Every woman (or man) that has walked away from their empty relationships has been better off and does not regret it. I have yet to read one blog, or hear from a woman that they regret doing so. The hardest part is building the courage and the gumption to just.. “do it” and you will, one day.
    As long as this torture continues for you, the sooner it will happen. You can not continue to live life in a miserable place. Trust us, you’ll be a person once more, in time. :)
    Know that you have supporters and people who really do understand.

    • Thank you for the encouragement. And you are right – I guess I never have heard of someone leaving a bad relationship who regretted leaving it! In the state where I live, you have to be seperated for a year before you can be divorced, so if/when I move out, then I would have plenty of time to decide if that is really what I want. And, yes, the courage and the gumption are tough! I wish I could have done it before I got so tired and worn down! Thanks again for the encouragement!

  4. *You’ll be a happy person once more….

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