I know this is going to sound really crazy, but I miss being co-dependent.
I miss thinking that I can fix the marriage. I miss thinking that if I just do that one right thing, say that one right thing, then everything will be all better. I miss thinking that the marriage problems are my fault and if I were just a more submissive wife, then the marriage would be better.
Thinking that way was my identity for so, so many years, that now I don’t even know what to think about myself. I’m not sure who I am. I feel kinda lost.
I do know that I cannot fix the marriage. I can make decisions that may or may not affect his decisions, but I cannot fix the marriage.
There is not a magical action or phrase that will automatically turn the marriage around. I used to think that there must be, that if I could just find the right key, the door to bliss would open. Not so.
I did my best to be a submissive wife. What I was, was a co-dependent wife, which was not helpful. Well, I’m sure he thought it was helpful and I am pretty sure that now he misses me being co-dependent, too, even though he wouldn’t be able to articulate that.
So, who am I now? What do I think? What do I do?
I’ve raised my children. I’ve come closer to realizing how much I haven’t received the love in my life that I so desperately need. I have begun to see that I cannot fix everything I thought I could fix, that I am very human, very powerless.
I see, too, that I have built my life too much around “things,” and not enough around relationships. (I think I have done that because I fear rejection, but that’s maybe another post.)
Where do I go from here?