missing co-dependence

I know this is going to sound really crazy, but I miss being co-dependent. 

I miss thinking that I can fix the marriage.  I miss thinking that if I just do that one right thing, say that one right thing, then everything will be all better.  I miss thinking that the marriage problems are my fault and if I were just a more submissive wife, then the marriage would be better.

Thinking that way was my identity for so, so many years, that now I don’t even know what to think about myself.  I’m not sure who I am.  I feel kinda lost.

I do know that I cannot fix the marriage.  I can make decisions that may or may not affect his decisions, but I cannot fix the marriage.

There is not a magical action or phrase that will automatically turn the marriage around.  I used to think that there must be, that if I could just find the right key, the door to bliss would open.  Not so.

I did my best to be a submissive wife.   What I was, was a co-dependent wife, which was not helpful.  Well, I’m sure he thought it was helpful and I am pretty sure that now he misses me being co-dependent, too, even though he wouldn’t be able to articulate that.

So, who am I now?  What do I think?  What do I do? 

I’ve raised my children.  I’ve come closer to realizing how much I haven’t received the love in my life that I so desperately need.   I have begun to see that I cannot fix everything I thought I could fix, that I am very human, very powerless.

I see, too, that I have built my life too much around “things,” and not enough around relationships.  (I think I have done that because I fear rejection, but that’s maybe another post.)

Where do I go from here?

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to missing co-dependence

  1. Ha! You’re coming around to acceptance that YOU are a person to, not to be known simply as a wife, but as a PERSON! Good for you!
    It sucks, I know, to realize who you were is not who are you – but really, it never was who you were, simply a role you played. Now its time to discover who you really truly are, your genuine and authentic self, aside from the role of wife.
    A learning adventure, sure to be filled with lots of unknown and fear…but also joy and love and happiness. If you can embrace change and the unknown rather than fear or avoiding it, the journey will be easier :)

  2. Aw :( I understand. I am divorced now and struggling with some of those feelings too. I am glad I got away but sometimes nostalgic for the life I WANTED, for the front I put on for the world, for how I felt hopeful for the future for my family. I look back and see happy faces in photos and its sometimes hard to let go of the fantasy life I had created in my mind. We spent so many years in the church and I was the wife of a preacher so its hard to come to terms with what I even believe right now. My mind just goes numb when I try to think of religious things. Being emotionally abused by someone in a passive aggressive way really fucks with your mind and so often you want to blame yourself. It takes awhile I think to redefine who you are as a person without being dependent on that relationship to do it for you.

  3. Sofia Leo says:

    Long ago a very good friend demonstrated what a co-dependent relationship looked like – she held up two fingers, slanted and resting their tips together. That is co-dependence. She then held one finger up straight and said, “this is what you need to do – stand up and walk away. There is no co-dependence if one person just stands up.” It was exactly what I needed to hear and I never looked back. Once you find your feet firmly underneath you again, you will remember who you are and where you need to walk to in order to find your bliss. We’re all rooting for you!

  4. You’re not yet there, but you’re getting there.
    When you still thought you could fix it, that was a position of power in a way. You had the idea you could do something that would solidify your situation and make him care for you.
    Now what’s looming on the horizon is standing on your own two feet, shedding all you’ve ever known and starting anew. It’s frightening, and you know you can’t get back to being the submissive housewife so that makes it only more frightening.
    It’s the uncertainty that’s making you miss the relative certainty of your previous position.

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