empty, thoughts

I feel empty.

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I am reading The Flying Boy by John Lee.  In this book, he tells about his love for Laurel.  But Laurel left him because he was hurting her.  John feel so much pain about this and he wants Laurel back.  He asks his dad what to do.  His dad tells him, basically, love her enough to let her go.  By the way, Laurel loves John, too, but she loves him – and herself – enough to leave him, so he will have to face what he needs to face.

Thursday night I went to a work shop about Finding Happiness.  One thing the presenter spoke about was that fifty percent of happiness is a genetic set-point, forty percent of happiness is the decision to be happy, and ten percent of happiness is based on money, job, heath, and relationships.

But she also said that a big part of happiness is being part of a community, about having loving, supporting, encouraging relationships.

As part of my goal to live intentionally, I have been thinking about, or trying to think about, what is important to me.  And I feel lost.  I’m not sure.  I know what used to be important to me – you know, being a good wife, being a good mother, being a good homemaker, being a good Christian – but somehow, while in a way those are important to me, somehow my life has shifted and I don’t know anymore.  My daughters are grown and while I am still Mommie, it’s not the same as while I was raising them.  Being a good wife did not make a good marriage.  My house is falling apart so I kinda wonder what the point is in trying to make it pretty.  And I’m not sure where I stand with God.

So this morning I feel empty.  And all these thoughts fill my brain.  I want love and joy and peace.  But those seem so lacking in my life and I am not sure….   I’m just not sure.

I know these may seem like random thoughts, but somehow they are swirling around in my mind together and I think there is a connection somewhere.

I want my life to be different, but each day my life is the same.  Same thoughts, same actions.  I think I want something to change for me, rather than having to change it for myself.

So where do I go from here?

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5 Responses to empty, thoughts

  1. K says:

    I hear you! I’m in exactly the same spot. “Trying” did not make a good marriage for me, either. When we find out we’re not the majorly flawed one, the whole picture changes, doesn’t it? But, we still have to work on changing US, not them. That’s up to them. That doesn’t mean letting their behavior go.
    I don’t know your age, but I’m 55, my kids are finally out of the house. I don’t know what I want right now. My job, low paying, is great and that is where I get my love and community. If I get out of this marriage, I want to be more financially secure. I can get spousal support, but I want independence most of all. I also have an autoimmune disease that wears me out. It’s tough. This was supposed to be the time with more room in the house, just the two of us. The whole dynamic has changed and I am at a loss as to what to do. I’m so tired of managing behavior (I do this at work with kids, too) and treading water.

    • Yes, I have a lot of work to do on me! :} But that doesn’t make unacceptable behavior acceptable. You are right. I am glad that your job give you love and community (that is huge) even though it is low-paying. I completely understand the wanting to be financially independent! That is my goal, too. One of them. I wonder if the autoimmune disease is partially in response to the stressful marriage? Managing – managing – we get so good at it and it kills us!!! Oh, I am 46. I have one daughter in college in another state and one daughter in college and living at home. Thank you for your comment. Take good care of yourself.

  2. Erilyn says:

    Hi! Me again! :) I finally had to step outside of the marriage and find my own passion. I turned to (~gasp~! don’t hate me!!) knitting which I was able to connect with other women. I turned to social work which I LOVE! (always told that i wouldn’t be able to do it and that it wasn’t “real” work) I turned to volunteering on a farm at our local children’s residential home. I started back to church. I joined a Trail Dames hiking group. My husband HATED it but I realized that I had to take care of myself and find my own happiness. Now that he and I are separated, I feel strong enough to realize that I

    It takes time to do this. We allow our spouse to take our joy away and we lose who we are. We give them that power and then we wonder why we feel so empty. We work so hard to make the marriage work only to find that we have given up on our own joy.

    Gosh…I feel like you are writing my story. I know that empty feeling. I know how it feels to be just so tired of being the one to change. Look at it this way. You spent this precious time changing for someone else. Pick one passion and gear yourself to do it for yourself. Writing and reaching out to us out here is a start. You will start to remember what your dreams for yourself were. (Outside of a “happy marriage and the picket fence”) What do you love and DO WHAT YOU LOVE! Even if it is something tiny. Find others who share your interests. You will soon be finding a circle of strength that will help hold you up when you need it.

    You are loved and you are thought of…even if we are total strangers!! Don’t defeat yourself! We will be here supporting you from which ever corner we are!!!!!

    HUGS!!!!
    ~Erilyn

  3. Erilyn says:

    oops! I didn’t finish my first paragraph!! LOL
    Now that my husband and I are separated, I feel strong enough to realize that I can be happy without him. I don’t have to look back to him to expect happiness anymore.

  4. Sue says:

    I know in my heart that I am ok with God and I also know in my heart that the Godly women I was in church with would not agree with that because what they couldn’t know or understand or admit was that no amount of submission or respect or good meals or laundry was ever going to get him to care enough to remember my birthday, or any other holiday for that matter……but you know, I need to respect him for the things he does do because that’s how it works, I show him respect and he will show me love and we will have this perfect little circle of love in or perfect little Christian marriage. I stopped going to church and am sure he and the rest of them pray for my sinner’s soul.

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