abusive relationship

I was going to ask my brother this, even though I have asked him before.   But instead of burdening him, yet again, I am going to ask it here.

Am I in an abusive relationship????

I read a post titled “Are You Sabotaging Yourself?”  Boy, it sure did hit home!  It just about had me in tears.  It was like the post was written specifically for me.

She writes that shame is at the root of self-sabotage and that to break free of the shame, self-sabotage, shame, self-sabotage cycle, you have to act as if you are worthy.  She says to ask yourself, “What would a confident person who is full of self-love do in this situation?…  …. Stay in abusive relationship?  Not likely.”  And she has a whole list of actions, reactions.

So I find myself sitting here, doing some of the unhealthy things on her list, like, um, eating bunches of chocolate chips ~ although she lists eating a whole box of donuts, it’s the same thing ~ and again questioning if I am in an abusive relationship or “merely” in an empty relationship with me being selfish and co-dependent.  (She lists co-dependence as a form of self-sabotage.)

Yes, the name of my blog is Passive Aggressive Abuse, and in numerous sources I have read that anger, including passive aggression, which is anger, destroys relationships.

So why am I doubting whether or not this is an abusive relationships?  Because there are no physical bruises?  Because there are no violent words?  About.com lists passive aggressive behavior as covert abuse.  Maybe that is why I am doubting again.  Because of the covert part.

Why do I think in circles like this?  Why do I go from,  yes, this is a bad relationship, (but is it abusive?) to no, I’m just crazy, wanting too much, back to yes, this is a bad relationship?  Back to, I’m crazy!

But am I in an abusive relationship?

And why do I keep sabotaging myself?

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to abusive relationship

  1. K says:

    Yes, it’s abusive.

  2. Paula says:

    Look at the stages/phases/cycles of grief and loss because they are exactly the same stages victim/survivors of abuse experience. You are stuck in the denial and bargaining cycle. It’s normal. You question it for many reasons, the least of which is the fact you must look at what is it about you that has allowed the abuse to continue. You must change if you want to break free. Change requires tough internal reflection and accountability. We can change ourselves but no one else. Have you considered reading Codependent No More? :)

    • Hi, Paula, Yesterday I pulled Codependent No More down off the shelf and I started reading it today. I thought I had made some progress against codependence, but in glancing through the book yesterday, I realize that I have lost ground that I thought I had gained. I really do wonder what makes me accept the abuse. And I do need to change. Thank you.

  3. Melanie says:

    I wrote this in a post the other day, but I think it goes well here for you too:
    “Being abused doesn’t require violent abuse and it doesn’t require physical attacks; it requires using fear and manipulation to control another human being. There are 7 forms of abuse recognized by the Courts of the United States: physical attacks (includes rape, though rape usually gets its own treatment), emotional abuse, control, intimidation, stalking, neglect, and economic deprivation.”
    You have neglect (your needs matter not at all to him), emotional (passive aggressive behavior), and intimidation (I can’t remember off the top of my head, but I think you’ve got economic deprivation too). It’s abuse. Plain and simple, though it’s anything but plain and simple.

  4. My opinion is that you are in an abusive relationship and that you are highly codependent and stuck in a victim mentality, both of which give others permission to abuse you through enabling. I believe this because I was there for 20 years myself and I hear myself in everything I read that you write. I get it, and it’s painful, but only you can change it and that can happen either in the relationship or out of it. Just my opinion. Prayers extended.

    • Thank you, Sabrena. At one point, I had thought that I was making progress in not being as co-dependent, but I am wondering if blogging about the relationship is keeping me in a victim mentality. Thank you for your comment and your prayers.

      • K says:

        If you’re like me, the financial ramifications are the payoff for why we stay. If I knew I could support myself, he’d be gone.

  5. Pingback: Do I Have a Relationship Addiction? – Let Life In Practices

  6. justamumzy says:

    Yes, it is abusive. Blogging about it is your best therapy until you can escape. I would often wonder the same thing about my relationship. I would start to doubt my sanity. Being told your crazy all the time just re-enforced that. I will continue to blog even after I have relieved myself of this so called marriage. But, the “new” blog will look so much different. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  7. Tammy says:

    I have not read your whole blog, but I can tell from what I have read – that it is. This site helped me escape and understand the type of abuse that I was going through, Maybe it can help you as well. http://www.drirene.com/

  8. Why do you care whether it’s abusing or not to society standards?
    It’s making you deeply unhappy and it’s ruining your life, so that’s enough reason to want to get the hell out of there! I believe it’s abuse yes, but that doesn’t really matter. When something makes you unhappy, you get and stay away from it. No justification besides “it makes me unhappy” is needed. I could tell you this time after time again, but seriously. That man… I’d say he deserves to die but then I’d still be spending too much of my attention on him.

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