just me venting

Last night, I told him I hate this marriage and I hate coming home in the evenings.  He said it doesn’t have to be this way.  He said I can do things differently.  I told him that I felt like I didn’t matter to him.  He said he loved me very much. I told him he has criticized everything about me.  He said that wasn’t so.  He told me I was too picky.  He told me he never knows if I will be in a good mood when I come home, that I am grumpy.

I felt like I was trying to say, please love me, and he was saying, you’re too difficult to love.

So I went in the kitchen and baked.

Last night, before this conversation, he asked me when dinner would be.  I told him I had already eaten. (I ate a box of cookies on the way home from work.)  He said, sarcastically, thanks for telling me, and went to make his own dinner.

So, this morning, I told him that I didn’t have anything planned for dinner, so he wouldn’t come home expecting that I had a 5 course meal in the making.  I thought I was being nice.

On my way home this evening, I was thinking about last night’s “conversation” and thinking, ok, I’ll be sure to be pleasant when I come home.  I am pleasant all day at work, I can do pleasant.  I’m thinking, maybe, just maybe, he would have done something for dinner, but if not, I’ll just be pleasant and come up with something for dinner.  I’ll go out of my way this week-end to be a good wife and maybe it will be a better week end.

I get home.  And he’s not home.  No text, no message, no nothing.  Just not home.  So I wonder, is his mom ok?  Was there an emergency and he didn’t have time to tell me?  Or did he go out with his helper?  Or maybe by himself, to go have dinner?  And not tell me?  I fix dinner for my daughter and eat leftovers that I have from my lunch and wonder.

He came home after a bit and I asked him if he already ate.  He said, yes.

So, last night, he was upset because I didn’t have dinner ready and didn’t tell him right off the bat.  And tonight, he goes out without even telling me about it.  I’m ok if he wants to go out to dinner, but he could have been nice, like I was this morning, and told me.

And he tells me that I am the problem in the marriage?  You know, I’ve done my fair share of things wrong in this relationship, but I also think that there really is no way that there can even be a good relationship between the two of us.  Ever.  No matter what.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to just me venting

  1. Paula says:

    I’m sorry you are stuck in this place. If he were honest like you’ve been honest, an amicable split could happen. But if he keeps blaming you and acting as if nothing is wrong, you’re going to keep beating your head against the same wall over and over and over again. :(

    • Even as I was driving home, thinking about trying hard over the week end, I was also telling myself, been there, done that. For 20 plus years. Yes, I was being honest and he was not. It happens too often and yes, I am just beating my head against the same wall. I guess I am keeping myself stuck. Maybe in another six months I will get a raise and will make enough to move out.

  2. Sofia Leo says:

    Ditto what Paula said. I have been in your shoes and it sucks. I’m in my own shoes now and the relief at not having to deal with this kind of bullshit is sooooooo worth it. Just sayin’.

    Also, “crazy” is doing the same thing over and over and being surprised when you get the same results. HE isn’t going to change (and why would he – he gets whatever he wants) so YOU have to make a change to improve your life. Come on in, the water’s fine! :-)

    • Yeah, I do the crazy thing. I do the same thing and expect that somehow it will be different this time. I don’t earn enough yet to support my daughter and myself, but I truly do look forward to the day when I don’t have to deal with all of this!!!!

      • Sofia Leo says:

        Don’t let money stop you! Be willing to consider “alternative” living arrangements – you might be surprised at how little money you need to have a wonderful life. That presupposes you don’t have any debt, though…

  3. My ex did what your husband does. I tried to communicate. I tried to say “I feel like you don’t love me” or “I feel like I’m not worth your time.” Rather than hearing me, saying he understood and was sorry and we would work on it together, he would tell me I was wrong. I’m being silly.I don’t know what I’m talking about. If I’d keep pushing the issue, it would turn into how he works soooo hard and how I have far too high of expectations. No one could ever possibly live up to what I wanted in a partner. So, how I feel is really all my own fault. With ever decreasing expectations, we stay married. For a very long time. Once I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I said so. We got divorced. And wouldn’t you know it…? It wasn’t me and my expectations after all. It really was him being a selfish asshole.
    Sofia Leo is right. Don’t let money stop you. Passive aggressive abuse is still abuse. There are shelters. Your work may give you enough of an advance to be able to get a small apartment. Anything has to be better than what you’re going through now.

    • I hope I will get a raise in about six months and maybe it will be enough to be able to afford to move out. I have thought about seeing about getting a loan so I could move out now, but I don’t think that is a good idea. I guess I just have to be patient a little longer.

  4. childofthetruth says:

    lookingforward2012 is right. You will find out that it is not you that’s the problem once you leave. As for leaving and help, I would like to know more about “alternate” living. I live with my parents until I can earn enough to live with my son to help on rent. If any of you guys have information, please share.

    • Sofia Leo says:

      “Alternative” simply means to think outside the traditional housing box – I bought a travel trailer which is parked in an RV park with full hook-ups. The cost is several hundred less than a traditional apartment, none of which would have allowed me to keep my dog. Sure, it’s not large, but it is all mine and I can move it anywhere it can be dragged with a truck any time I want to move.

      Living with friends and relatives is also an alternate living situation, as is living communally with others who you aren’t related to. The notion that we must all live in a 2 bedroom house with yard and garage is absurd in this age and people would be so much happier if they were living well within their means with money left over for vacations and “toys” that they can’t afford with their current mortgage or rent payments and other debt.

      I had no debt when I made my decision to leave my Narc, YMMV. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat further about this – iwonttakeit@live.com

  5. Zoe says:

    “I felt like I was trying to say, please love me, and he was saying, you’re too difficult to love.” This is a perfect summation of most of our conversations over the years. I’m hoping we’ve had a break through. Or perhaps it is just false hope once again. Time will tell. So glad I found your blog:)

    • Hi, Zoe. I’m glad you found my blog and I’m sorry not have replied to your comment sooner. I do hope you’ve had a break through. I used to think maybe there were break throughs in my marriage, but there never were. I do know that it does happen for some people sometimes, though!!! Good luck!

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