Last night, I told him I hate this marriage and I hate coming home in the evenings. He said it doesn’t have to be this way. He said I can do things differently. I told him that I felt like I didn’t matter to him. He said he loved me very much. I told him he has criticized everything about me. He said that wasn’t so. He told me I was too picky. He told me he never knows if I will be in a good mood when I come home, that I am grumpy.
I felt like I was trying to say, please love me, and he was saying, you’re too difficult to love.
So I went in the kitchen and baked.
Last night, before this conversation, he asked me when dinner would be. I told him I had already eaten. (I ate a box of cookies on the way home from work.) He said, sarcastically, thanks for telling me, and went to make his own dinner.
So, this morning, I told him that I didn’t have anything planned for dinner, so he wouldn’t come home expecting that I had a 5 course meal in the making. I thought I was being nice.
On my way home this evening, I was thinking about last night’s “conversation” and thinking, ok, I’ll be sure to be pleasant when I come home. I am pleasant all day at work, I can do pleasant. I’m thinking, maybe, just maybe, he would have done something for dinner, but if not, I’ll just be pleasant and come up with something for dinner. I’ll go out of my way this week-end to be a good wife and maybe it will be a better week end.
I get home. And he’s not home. No text, no message, no nothing. Just not home. So I wonder, is his mom ok? Was there an emergency and he didn’t have time to tell me? Or did he go out with his helper? Or maybe by himself, to go have dinner? And not tell me? I fix dinner for my daughter and eat leftovers that I have from my lunch and wonder.
He came home after a bit and I asked him if he already ate. He said, yes.
So, last night, he was upset because I didn’t have dinner ready and didn’t tell him right off the bat. And tonight, he goes out without even telling me about it. I’m ok if he wants to go out to dinner, but he could have been nice, like I was this morning, and told me.
And he tells me that I am the problem in the marriage? You know, I’ve done my fair share of things wrong in this relationship, but I also think that there really is no way that there can even be a good relationship between the two of us. Ever. No matter what.