Maybe I had this coming.  Maybe this is “what goes around comes around.”

Or maybe it’s payback.

Last night, he was telling me that when he was at the credit union, the teller asked him if he wanted to open a checking account there since he had everything else there.  I asked him what he had at the credit union.  He said, a couple of savings accounts and a couple of IRAs.

I asked him if my name was on those accounts.  He said that there could be only one name on an IRA and went on to talk about that I could open an IRA if I wanted and it would be a tax saving thing and stuff like that.  And then he started to walk away.

I said, you haven’t answered my question.  He said, what question?  I said, is my name on the savings accounts?

He said, when I die.  POD.  You know, Payable On Death.  Just like you have your own accounts in just your name.

I felt punched in the belly.  I felt sick.

I felt like he was saying, I don’t want to support you.  I don’t want to share with you.  I don’t want to give to you. 

Yes.  I do have a checking account and a savings account in only my name.  And a car loan in only my name.  (You can read that story elsewhere {here} on my blog.)  I also have joint checking and savings accounts with both of my daughters.

I would love to share the finances.  But a couple of stupid little things are missing in our relationship, namely TRUST and COMMUNICATION.

You know, it used to be that when I worked, the money that I earned just went into the family pot.  Which is my ideal.  But the reality of it was not so nice.

For example, one summer, I baby sat a young boy full-time, every other week, all summer long.  It was very stressful for me.  And where did that hard-earned money go?  He bought a bicycle for himself.  He bought contact lenses for himself.  He has warts lasered off the bottoms of his feet.  Without talking to me about any of it.  The warts grew back.  He didn’t wear the contact lenses.  And he didn’t ride the bike very much.

When we sold our house in another state and moved across the country, he spent thousands of dollars on a piece of equipment to start his own business, and didn’t even tell me he spent the money.

Anyhow, so when I started working a couple of years ago, I set up my own checking account and my own savings account, only to protect myself.

I guess that since he doesn’t really want to take care of me, I shouldn’t have any qualms about leaving and taking care of myself.


This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, money, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Payback

  1. Sofia Leo says:

    “I guess that since he doesn’t really want to take care of me, I shouldn’t have any qualms about leaving and taking care of myself.”

    No, you should not have any qualms. He hasn’t been a Team Player for a long time and he doesn’t want to be now…So sorry you are living with this crap.

    • He really hasn’t been a team-player. That is a good phrase describing him! As soon as I earn some more money – hopefully I will get a raise in about six months – I will find another place to leave and I will make the leap.

  2. At this point, with your children being grown ups now, there is only one person in the whole world that you need to care for: YOU. Yourself and yourself only. Every time you let that asshole take some of your confidence away you’re neglecting yourself. Because you have no duty towards him. You have no debt towards him. You are a free woman, free to be and live as you please.
    He doesn’t want to care for you. By now, we have seen it confirmed, and confirmed, and confirmed again. He’s an asshole. So don’t have qualms about taking care of yourself. The more you take care of yourself the more confidence you will get and the less you will think you need him.
    Wishing you all the best, and murderous thoughts towards that no-good husband of yours!

  3. QP – You’re great!!! :}

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