sexless marriage

I live in a sexless marriage.  No, I don’t live.  I endure.  I endure a sexless marriage.

Is this what I want?  No.  A million times, no.

Even from the very, very beginning of our marriage, I always wanted more sex than he did.  I searched for answers, reading so many books.  All the books talked about the man’s sex drive being stronger than the woman’s, so that didn’t help at all.  It wasn’t until I read “Living With the Passive Aggressive Man” that I finally found an answer to why I wanted more sex than he did.

I read on this blog – although now I can’t find the post – that a sexless marriage is categorized as having sex eight times a year.  I would say that has been the case in my marriage for about, maybe five years now, probably longer.  But even before that, sex was maybe once or twice a month, if I was “lucky.”  And even back when we used to have sex maybe four times a month, it still wasn’t enough for me.  I always wanted more.

The other thing about sex for me… after about ten or twelve years of marriage, I started crying uncontrollably when we finished.  I felt so wretchedly empty afterwards, so meaningless.  And in more recent years, I have just wanted to kill myself any time I had sex with him.

And yet I want to make love so badly.  I want to touch and be touched.  Kiss and share and experience and be one and orgasm.   And be warm and filled and loved when it is all over.  I want an emotional connection with the physical connection.

A few weeks ago I bought a cute, sexy, bohemian cotton dress at the thrift store.  It has a halter top, an elasticized waist/midriff (the whole center section) and a very full, knee-length skirt.  The fabric is printed with stylized flowers and designs and stuff.  It’s not usually the kind of thing that I wear, but when I saw it, I loved it.

So I washed it and hung it up to dry and this morning my husband asked me when I was going to wear it.  I told him I didn’t know, but I was planning on trying it on this morning.  He said, try it on now.  So I did.  It is so cute!!!

I said that it was really cute and he said it was sexy.  Then he grabbed me and started kissing me.  He has a scruffy beard and a too long mustache and his mustache was going up my nose and he was kissing me too hard – not sensual.  And part of me wanted sex so badly and part of me just wanted to push him away because I felt repulsed.  Then he stopped and said he loved me.  I went into the bathroom and wanted to be sick, wanted to die.

Maybe this doesn’t make any sense.

I just wanted everything to be all over, to just die.  But then I made myself think of my daughters.  And what Julie the therapist told me one time:  that I didn’t really want to die, that I just felt overwhelmed by my situation.

And then after that, I felt so crazy for wanting sex but not wanting sex with him.  For wanting to be in a loving relationship, but then thinking I was crazy for even thinking a loving relationship with anyone anywhere is even possible.

I love chick-flicks, those cute, sweet, romantic comedies.  And I watch the characters, especially the men and I find myself wondering if men in real life are at all like the characters in the chick-flicks, where they actually seem to be interested in the women, seem to actually want them and even care about them a little bit.  I just wonder.

And, then, of course, I think I am crazy all over again.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to sexless marriage

  1. I remember the horrible feelings in my marriage whenever I read your blog. It was sexless too and I was so confused by his attitude vs the relationship books that told me what a high sex drive men have. Anyway, I am SO GLAD I got divorced. It’s not perfect but it’s a huge relief not to be living in that situation and I am free to have sex with whom I choose. Do you ever consider divorce?

  2. Staff Sergeant in Need says:

    I know this is probably going to through the curve ball, but my wife and I have been married for 15 years. I am in the Army, she is a stay at home mom who takes care of our home-taught 14yr old and shuttles our two other boys back and forth to school. She was a vet tech for ten years, and before that she was a very sexy and very good dancer (stripper – to remove and confusion!!!). She and I were hot and heavy from day one, she moved in with me after only 8hrs of knowing each other. We entered into the swinging lifestyle and our relationship had never been so hot and so happy. That was all about ten years ago. My wife and I have sex about 2, maybe three times a year, for the last three or four years. I am the one with a high sex drive. I have done everything to help her, helping with the kids, taking care of cleaning, washing, bathing the kids, household chores, taking care of the ranch, everything she has ever asked. We have gone to about 6 different therapists and each one has said she is the problem, yet she only ever says that she does not know why she doesn’t want sex. I live a very confusing and very empty life. I wish there was a way to impart some words of wisdom, but I am in the same boat as you ladies. I hope you find happiness and love and can find that eternal torch. When you do, can you draw me a map??? LOL

    • Yep! Definitely a curve ball!!! :} Everything I’ve read says that men have the high sex drive, so it sounds like you are truly male! I’m sorry you don’t get to have sex. I KNOW it is so very frustrating! It is just about driving me crazy! If she can’t tell you why, then I don’t know how the two of you can work it out. Do you know if she feels close to you emotionally? Has she had her hormone levels checked with a doctor? Does she have childhood issues she isn’t able to admit to? Does she feel unattractive? Is she just tired? (Although, I’d be plenty happy to do it when I am tired, but maybe I’m different.) Anyhow, I do wish I had an answer for you! Good luck!!! I wish I had more to give you!

  3. Laura says:

    Wow. I found your blog through Zoe’s blog “Tough Words…” and all I can say is wow… I am reading your words and remembering my life with my ex-husband vividly. I don’t mean to be insensitive when I say I know what you’re going through, because does anyone ever really know what someone else is going through? But I have just begun to read your blog and so much of it resonates with me. I see so many titles of your blog posts and I swear I have some of the exact same ones. I am very sorry you are going through this but if I can impart any bit of wisdom it’s that there is light on the other side. I left my ex almost exactly one year ago and I have found the kind of love I have always longed for. That sweet sensitive man in the chick flicks? It turns out they are not a myth; they do exist. Granted – I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but perhaps the knowledge that you are not alone or that others understand offers some measure of comfort? Best wishes to you in whatever path your journey takes.

    • Hi, Laura, Thank you so much for your comment! It is very encouraging to me! That you left. That there is light on the other side. That you found (or he found you) a “chick-flick man”!!! :} It makes me feel that it could work out for me. I remember reading on another blog by a woman who left her abusive husband, that within six months, she met the man of her dreams. And, yes, it is comforting that I am not the only one and that others have gotten out and have better lives. Thank you for your best wishes! :}

  4. My husband is also a passive-agressive, I’ve also been living in a sexless marriage for almost 13 years. I finally had enough and started looking on the internet for support, I even set up my own blog hoping to connect with other women going through the same thing. I don’t think I can stand it any longer and am planning to leave my husband at the end of this year. Its the worst because I still care about him and I know that one some level he still cares for me too, he just doesn’t want a sexual relationship with me. I’m glad you have also decided to share your story – it does help to know you are not alone.

  5. Sheryl says:

    Hi. I am in a sexless marriage too. I also feel repulsed of the thought of him because of how long it has been and don’t understand it because I crave sex. We literally don’t have sex at all not even once a year. I am trying to work out a plan to leave with a job and money. I have small children

  6. Teresa says:

    Well, I’m the exception here. My PAH would have sex every single day if I wanted it! But that’s just it…it’s SEX, not LOVE!! It’s for HIS needs, not mine!
    For years now I’ve felt like his own private hooker….and after I found out about his emotional affair, any sexual desire I had went out the window!
    I NEED to feel an intimate connection with him…and since he won’t talk to me, he won’t let me in to his heart…I don’t feel sexual towards him at all….it’s a chore for me now….one I don’t enjoy!
    He’s been gone all week, just got home yesterday…I think it’s safe to say that we’ve had maybe 1-2 hours of conversation in 24 hrs? And all of it about work, or the weather. Nothing about us, nothing about the fact that I told him I don’t miss him while he’s gone, this during a phone conversation on Wed. When he told me he missed me, and I said nothing.
    He asked me “Don’t you miss me too?” And I said “No.” End of that conversation. Never to be brought up again. Ever. Swept up under the PA rug….he doesn’t “like” unpleasant conversations.

    • Wow! 1 -2 hours? We talk, maybe 15 minutes in 24 hours!!! And yes PAs definitely sweep things under the rug!!! Always. And yes, I do believe some PAs want more sex than most PAs but like you said, it is a selfish thing – you are his personal hooker. It STILL is NOT about a relationship. PAs can’t handle relationships.

  7. Charis says:

    My marriage wasn’t sexless. It was a 32 year marriage with thousands of mutual orgasms.

    But I do understand that feeling of repulsion. I felt it finally last week when my husband was bragging about his two girlfriends but still trying to get in my pants. We have been separated since February (and no sex between us since then).

    If you feel repulsed, divorce him. Or at least physically and legally separate. Frankly, I am stunned by the feeling of relief since I stood at the courthouse last Friday with him and filed legal separation papers. Standing there I said to him “How does it feel to be FREE?”

  8. Charis says:

    As far as your and my husband’s capacity to love, there is an expression in recovery circles where we try to focus on our own growth and have compassion for the alcoholic/addict. We say, “he did the best he could with what he had”.

    My H has a HUGE amount of baggage which he will not (or cannot?) acknowledge and deal with.

  9. I lived many years in a sexless marriage. It is very damaging. I divorced and we still remained friends. He still wanted me to move back in. We had the relationship of brother and sister or priest and nun. He was passive aggressive and of course wonderful to outside people. Not too many outside the marriage could understand my divorce. He recently passed away and I grieved deeply and some told me I should have stayed married but that would have taken my soul. I accepted him as he was but put up limits to the relationship in order to live in a realistic way. Hope is not your friend and intimacy will never be achieved. They are what they are. I am getting on in years and even though I am going to lose some financial rewards not being married, I think I still did the right thing. Life is a mixed issue most of the time. One minister told me that my husband was sent into my life so that I could suffer and be more like Christ. LOL I never went back to that church or any other. This is how some people are programmed (hardwired) and it is almost impossible to change it. I wish you the best..yes you are worthy of love and intimacy. Instead of adultery, I divorced but it was not easy. A lot of life is not easy. I made a choice to be single rather than in a heart-wrenching marriage that everyone thought was just great. I wish you love my dear, stay strong.

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