I didn’t have such a great day. I felt kinda depressed and discouraged all day long. And there wasn’t really anything to do at work.
I feel like I will be depressed for the rest of my life. I feel like I will be here in this miserable marriage and falling-down house for the rest of my life.
I tell my daughter that one day we will get out. I tell myself, that yes, it is possible that I could be in a truly loving relationship one day. And then I wonder if I am lying.
Today, and too often, it just seems impossible. I feel like I will only continue on this mindless, empty life, just sitting at my desk, waiting for the phone to ring, just coming home to a dilapidated house and piles of laundry, with no special someone waiting for me at the end of the day.
Whether I have a good day or a bad day, it really doesn’t seem to make much difference to him. He doesn’t seem that interested in my day; only his day. I don’t even care anymore. Fine. Whatever. Maybe I am not even worth listening to.
And then this depression thing. I know depression is chemicals and receptors in the brain not working right. So maybe I am just “sick” and no matter what, I will always be depressed. I don’t know. I don’t know how much of my depression is “brain chemicals” and how much is the circumstances of my life.
Driving home, I just wanted peace. I am so tired of trying, of caring, of wanting, of having to be and to do. I just want a peaceful house and a peaceful evening.
There is a song by Snow Patrol that somehow speaks to me about that. To me, it makes me think about being still and quiet and peaceful and in love. And not caught up in the craziness of everything. Maybe that is not what the song is actually about, but when I hear it, it makes me think about how I want to feel.
I know I am just rambling on and on tonight. I’m sorry. I just wish it was over.
In the gym, there is a poster that says: “Perseverance: soon all the pieces will come together.” I read that every day. And I wonder, when. And how. And who. And when, again.
Anyhow, if you’ve suffered to the end of this, thank you for listening.