He was leaving to go somewhere this afternoon. I told him that I was going to go for a walk. He said, don’t go in the woods. I told him that I wasn’t, that I was going to go down the road. I asked him why not go in the woods.
He said the dead raccoon was in there. (He shot a raccoon that he had trapped.)
Then he said, I don’t want you to see the stumps of the trees that I cut down and get mad at me.
He left and I felt that feeling that I feel when the life is being sucked out of me.
And I start thinking that I think he is bad to me, but what if I am bad to him? What if, even though I like to think that I am a nice person, that I am really bad and mean? And if I want the trees to stand and he wants to cut them down, how do you figure that out?
So I go sit on the floor and eat cookies, wondering if I am as toxic for him as he is toxic for me.
Then I wonder why I am even wasting time thinking about him.
I open the Language of Letting Go, intending to read today’s reading, but the book opens to February 29. Here is what I read:
You Are Lovable
We go back…and back…and back…through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us. -Beyond Codependency
You are lovable. Yes, you.
Just because people haven’t been there for you, just because certain people haven’t been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you’re unlovable.
You’ve had lessons to learn. Sometimes those lessons have hurt.
Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love.
You are lovable.
You are loved.
Today I will tell myself I’m lovable. I will do this until I believe it.