I’ve been thinking about trust.
People I’ve trusted have let me down.
Or maybe I’ve trusted the wrong people.
Although, I have to say, I trusted those who supposedly were trustworthy.
I trusted my parents. But when I was two, they had to send me away for awhile because my mom was deathly ill.
And I got older, I felt like I never did anything good enough for my dad and my mom was busy with the other children. I was the oldest so I was expected to be “mature.” I guess that means not needing as much as everyone else, which means I wasn’t given as much.
In my early twenties, my dad died, so he wasn’t there for me. And a couple of years after that, my mom turned on me. So I no longer had her, either.
There were people, elders, in my church that I’ve gone to for advice over the years, but they didn’t know, they didn’t understand me or my marriage. They criticized and condemned. And hurt when they could have healed.
I trusted my husband. I trusted him to love me, to provide for me, to take care of our children, to put me first in his life, to fulfill me sexually, to share our lives. And he hasn’t done those things.
In the book “Her Needs His Needs,” one of the ten needs is trust. I needed to be able to trust my husband but I haven’t been able to.
And now I don’t trust myself. I doubt my wants and my needs. I think I’m crazy.
I’d like to have healthy relationships in the future, but without trust, healthy relationships aren’t even possible.
So how do I learn to trust? How do I know who I can trust?