content or complacent?

Last evening, as I was driving home, I thought about the wrinkles that are beginning and the strands of grey hair that are showing up one by one and I thought that maybe I should give up on ever being loved.  Maybe I should just work and try to be numb and forget that I ever wanted more.

Last night I started watching a movie called “A Secret Affair.”  There is a beautiful scene where they are making love.  Shortly after that scene, I turned off the TV and just lay on the floor crying and crying, like my heart would break.

This morning, I was feeling so un-peaceful.  I want peace so badly, but it almost always eludes me.  I was thinking, maybe if I tried to be more content, then I would be more peaceful.

But I don’t want to be complacent.   I don’t want to be “ok” with no love, no sex.  I don’t want to be complacent about have a rotting floor and a leaking roof and an empty marriage.

I try to tell myself that I have a plan, that I am working towards my goals, that someday it will work out for me.

But too often I still feel so crazy.  I wake up feeling so depressed most mornings.  I tell myself, it’s just the brain chemicals not working right; it’s just the brain chemicals not working right. 

And then I wonder, if I ever actually do get out, will I still wake up depressed, will I still feel crazy, will I still not find peace?  Because I’m not content?

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to content or complacent?

  1. Sofia Leo says:

    Three months ago I would wake up angry and/or crying every morning. I was depressed all day. I was living in a loveless relationship. I was afraid that my life was going nowhere. I feared that no one cared about me and never would.

    You know where I am today – free of a toxic relationship with friends all around me, a happy outlook on life.

    I so want to read a happy post from you, but I understand where you are and offer hugs and support.

  2. Zoe says:

    I really hope you can find that contentment. I hope that we all can. Brain chemical and hormones are a pain in the ass aren’t they?! Hugs to you.

  3. daXmom says:

    When I was going through my worst, I realized that I had four legs supporting me: my Al-Anon group, my therapy/medical group, my 2 closest friends, and most importantly, God (“Higher Power”). The first three each help in a different way, at a different time. But I’ve never been good at picking up the phone to call them in my blackest times.
    God has comforted me the most deeply, when the very worst is going on or the loneliness feels the greatest. God works with and through my friends, groups and professionals – they speak words I can hear or wrap arms of comfort around my shoulders, and I depend on them. But God’s peace reaches deepest inside, calming, warming & lifting my heart, renewing my energy. Three days ago when all gains seemed to be falling apart again, God reminded me of His oversight in my life, comforting me even before I saw His influence perform its redemptive change in my family.
    I hope you can find that, too.
    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

  4. HMT says:

    You can’t have it both ways long as you have a list of things you want then you will be suffering from not having them. I’ve followed your blog for a long time and the thing that strikes me most about it is that you want things you can’t have (at this moment) and then you suffer.
    I hope find peace in the future.

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