Last evening, as I was driving home, I thought about the wrinkles that are beginning and the strands of grey hair that are showing up one by one and I thought that maybe I should give up on ever being loved. Maybe I should just work and try to be numb and forget that I ever wanted more.
Last night I started watching a movie called “A Secret Affair.” There is a beautiful scene where they are making love. Shortly after that scene, I turned off the TV and just lay on the floor crying and crying, like my heart would break.
This morning, I was feeling so un-peaceful. I want peace so badly, but it almost always eludes me. I was thinking, maybe if I tried to be more content, then I would be more peaceful.
But I don’t want to be complacent. I don’t want to be “ok” with no love, no sex. I don’t want to be complacent about have a rotting floor and a leaking roof and an empty marriage.
I try to tell myself that I have a plan, that I am working towards my goals, that someday it will work out for me.
But too often I still feel so crazy. I wake up feeling so depressed most mornings. I tell myself, it’s just the brain chemicals not working right; it’s just the brain chemicals not working right.
And then I wonder, if I ever actually do get out, will I still wake up depressed, will I still feel crazy, will I still not find peace? Because I’m not content?