a little sad…..

It’s raining because I am sad.

I’m only a little sad, though.  Not a lot sad.  Not deep, dark, rolling waves of black depression sad.  Just a little sad.

This afternoon I was thinking that I really didn’t want to be in this situation.  I didn’t want to have to be contemplating leaving my husband.  I was thinking I wanted to be able to just stay with him.  I want it to be all ok in my marriage with him.

But then, I reached down even deeper, and realized that, way, way deep down inside, I really do want to be free from all of of this.  I don’t want this “fixed.”  I don’t want it “better.”  I want it all over with.

Done.  Gone.  Finished.

And then I thought, too, it really is hard facing reality.

I can blog about all that goes on (obviously), but at the end of the day, even though I write about it all the time, I often have a difficult time grasping that this really is me, that this really is my life, .

Does that make sense?

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to a little sad…..

  1. difficultdecision says:

    Totally! I’m in the same reality as you are, coming to grasp with the fact that I had so much hope in the beginning, all the years invested, the children, responsabilities, etc. It’s a difficult situation, I’m right in the thick of it as well trying to figure out whether or not I’m supposed to stay or go… I enjoy reading you, learning from you and I don’t feel so alone anymore :) thanks for that.

    • It’s tough. It’s really tough. As you know. One thing I was thinking about today, my husband’s passive aggressive behavior probably will not change. For the rest of his life, he will treat me this way, for as long as I am with him. So if I want anything more or anything better, my only real option is to leave. Also, there is a chance that it will “wake him up” and maybe he will face what he needs to face. Good luck to you. Take really good care of yourself!!! :}

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