I’m participating in a “Victim Aftermath Survey” for a student doing a study on victims of psychopaths and domestic violence for her dissertation.
I haven’t even really started it and I’m already crying. Just reading about the possible psychological reactions to being victimized have made me feel so sad for myself, as I see myself in some of them.
I know this sounds strange, but I don’t think of my relationship as “that bad.” I don’t think of myself being victimized “that much.” I guess I mostly just blame myself for wanting more.
How do I describe how he has hurt me emotionally? That’s the thing about passive aggressive behavior. You’re never sure. You just end up thinking you must be crazy. Will that make sense if I put it as an answer?
I’m in a section where many of the questions are about how I feel when I am happy. I’m having trouble with those; I guess I don’t feel happy very much. I mostly just do whatever I have to do and don’t worry about whether I am happy or not. (This is really sad.)
This questionnaire is a little bit difficult because passive aggressive behavior is so COVERT. It is not blatant and easy to see or describe. This makes answering a number of the questions harder.
Well, I completed the multiple choice questions. Now I have to do the essay part. You know, I think I really do need to go talk to Julie, the therapist. I keep reading things from various places, like this survey and on other blogs, that keep showing me that I am really unhealthy. And how can I ever have a healthy relationship with a healthy man if I am so unhealthy? How will I be able to make healthy choices in the future if I am not healthy?