Eggs and trust

The egg thing happened again.  (see post)

Several times in the past few weeks, I have not had time to bake my ground turkey meatloaf –kind-of-thing that I usually have for breakfast.  On these occasions, he has offered to make eggs for me.

This morning, I again, I had eaten all my “meatloaf,” so I asked him if he would make eggs for me.  I normally eat at 7:00.  He often is already eating by this time.

But this morning, he didn’t even go into the kitchen to start the eggs until 10 after.

It makes me crazy!  I am on a pretty tight schedule in the morning to get out of the door and on my way to work.  I counted on him having the eggs made by seven.  My mistake.

(He is more flexible with his time, since he has his own business and kinda does what he wants.  Also, he is fine with making eggs for me on time when it is his idea.)

This morning, when I realized what time the eggs weren’t ready, I was upset and then began wondering if he does this intentionally.  Or subconsciously intentionally.  Or if he is just clueless.

You know, last night, he asked me what kind of tree we have growing in our front yard, so I figured that out for him, since I know quite a bit more about plants than he does.   I listened to him tell me about building his vegetable garden (although when I wanted to do the same thing several years ago, it was a stupid, expensive idea.  Of course.)

The evening wasn’t terrible and I – yet again – was thinking, maybe I can do this (well, except for the sex thing and that my daughters hate him.)

Stupid me.

This is so passive aggressive.  A relatively pleasant evening.  A connection of some sort.  Oops.  Can’t have that closeness.  Gotta do something to sabotage it.  Late with the eggs.

Yes.  I know.  It sounds crazy.

I started thinking about trust. 

I can’t trust my husband.  I can’t trust him to make eggs for me when I ask him to at the time I need them.  And that is the tiniest of things I can’t trust him about.  The list goes on and on from there.  (If you read my blog at all, you will see many examples of how I can’t trust him.)

Then I realized that, to some degree, I couldn’t trust my parents, either. 

I had never thought of that before.

When I was two and a half, I was sent away to live with another family because my mother was deathly ill.  But think how that would have affected a little child!

As I got older, I learned that my parents were deeply in debt and if I wanted to go the schools that I wanted to, I had to provide for that myself.

Even emotionally, I had to look out for myself.  They were busy, they tended to be a little more critical, rather than loving, so it wasn’t safe to share thoughts.

I’ve never thought about this before.

And I grew up and married a man that I wouldn’t be able to trust.

Shortly after we were married, my dad died.  A couple years later, my mom turned against me. (There is a paragraph about it in this post.) We don’t have a good, close relationship to this day, even though we get along okay.

In the book, “Why Do I Keep Doing That, Why Do I Keep Doing That,” the author discusses the fact that a person will repeat in adulthood what they knew in childhood, simply because it is familiar, even if it is harmful.

I need to get myself out of this cycle.

And make my own breakfast.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Eggs and trust

  1. Sofia Leo says:

    Gaaaahhhhh!!! Screaming on your behalf!

  2. Judi says:

    Wow…we are in sync this week! Check out my blog. I complained about Husband’s “routine” in the morning and I am reading a book about unfinished childhood business.

    I think they do it on purpose because they must keep us off balance….that is part of what makes them feel safe in the relationship………knowing that we are NOT comfortable with them.

  3. I haven’t been here in a long time, and I’m so sorry to read you’re still stuck. You deserve so much more.
    Maybe you are drawn to people who you know you can’t trust, because deep down you don’t want to trust? If the people around you are assholes like your husband, you have to look out for yourself. You wish for nothing more than someone to take care of you, but you sabotage your own desire every time again, as if you need to convince yourself no one can ever be trusted. Staying around that husband of yours is a constant reminder of the non-trustworthiness of people. Letting go of him would be letting go of that reminder and opening yourself to actually trusting someone, which you subconsciously may be avoiding.
    I hope it doesn’t sound condescending or anything, because I don’t mean it like that, at all. I just try to understand. I wish you all the best, and I hope you’ll find happiness soon.
    I’m reading up on the posts I missed now ;)

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