I don’t know if this post will make sense. I’m really tired tonight.
Today I was thinking about what I wanted, or, more correctly, how I could tell him what I wanted.
A big mistake I’ve made in my marriage is not speaking up. I’ve codependently NOT said what needed to be said.
So, what could I, would I, say to him this evening about what I wanted out of my life, my marriage?
I want more. I want better. I want to feel alive. I want to feel like I am living on purpose. I want to know that my life is going somewhere, that my marriage is going somewhere. I want a deep, joyous, intimate relationship with a man who truly loves me.
But how do you explain this to someone who just does not get it? Who is fine with the status quo? How do you explain awesome to someone who is passive?
I reminded myself that I have tried on various occasions over the past twenty-five years to explain this burning desire for more and better, but it has made no difference. And what would I say tonight that would be different?
I just ache so badly to feel loved, to be held, to know that I matter, to know that someone really cares about me.
He would say that he loves me, that he wants to hold me, that I matter to him, that he really cares about me.
But somehow, it does not translate into my heart.
For example, right now, I would love to get into bed, make love, and go to sleep. But I need to take a shower first. (Half an hour on the elliptical trainer after work leaves me drenched. Yep, I’m bragging.)
And where is he? He’s tired. And he’s soaking in the bathtub.
I will bet that I am more tired than he is, but I was the one who stopped by the store to pick up something to make for dinner, made dinner, did yet another load of laundry, and fixed the FAFSA form that I didn’t get to on Sunday. And I have to go put drops in the cat’s eyes when I’m done blogging.
But can I actually say any of this to him in a way that it will actually matter to him? If I said, please make dinner, would he? Who knows? I asked him if he would put drops in the cat’s eyes while I am gone. He hemmed and hawed about it.
FAFSA? That’s my department, since she is my child whom I have obviously done a terrible job with since she won’t even speak to him. (She is “our” child, but will have nothing to do with him because he has nothing to do with her.)
I was thinking about what the most important things in my day were, the things I would share with someone close to me. And I came up with – my troubled thoughts about not leaving which made me feel crazy and the man at work buying me Starbucks. Neither of those can I share with him. The most important things to me and I can’t share with him.
I guess I just needed to think this all out, yet again, because, for some reason, – oh, yeah, he rinsed the dishes last night while I washed them – I was thinking maybe I should stay.
But that was making me feel crazy, which should be a clue that I shouldn’t stay.
Well, he’s taking a shower now. I wonder if there will be any hot water left for me.
Thank you for listening, once again, to my exhausted ramblings. I don’t know what I would do without this blog.