Speaking up

I’ve started speaking up a little.

I told him that I didn’t like it that he insulted me to the waiter.  He asked me what I meant and I explained it to him and he apologized.

When he told me that he got a Mother’s Day gift for me, but forgot where he put it, I said, That just makes me feel special.  I said it just a little sarcastically, although, in general, I don’t think sarcasm is the right way to handle things.  Somehow it fit here, though.  He didn’t have anything to say in response.  And I still haven’t seen the gift.  It’s probably not anything that is truly a gift anyway.

I told him that I didn’t want him to text me any more pictures unless he also texted me what they were about.  I told him not to send me “riddles.”  (By sending me only pictures and not explanations, this gives him knowledge that he has that I don’t – a passive aggressive technique, but I didn’t tell him that.)  He said okay.

Last night, he said, your wish is my command.  I told him not to say that to me.  (It’s a lie and I don’t want to hear it.  But I didn’t say that part.)  He said okay.

And last night, he said, Guess what!  The most wonderful thing!!! You’ll never guess so I’ll tell you – the okra is coming up!  Aren’t you so happy about that?  Isn’t that great?

I told him that he knew that I didn’t like okra and that it was mean for him to put it on me that I would be excited about the okra coming up.  I told him that if he wanted to tell me that he was excited about the okra coming up, that was fine, but not to say that I would be excited about the okra coming up.  He said okay and that he was excited about the okra coming up.  (A whole lot of excited about the okra in that paragraph.)

Anyhow, so far, so good.

I have to add, though, that I doubt that I will continue to have this kind of result.  At some point, I will say something and he will not accept it. Or maybe he will seem to accept it, but then be passive aggressive about it.  Also, I don’t know if he will actually remember to not do, not say these things that I’ve told him about.

There were a couple of things that he said that made me mad that I didn’t know how to address (regarding money), but maybe I’ll get it figured out what to say at some point.  But at least I’ve started speaking up a little. 

And I realized that my speaking up is not about changing him, but about changing me.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Speaking up

  1. YAY! High five to you :). You’re right, at some point he won’t get it and will fight you or get angry, but that’s okay, hard but okay, and it will be his problem to deal with his feelings, not yours. What’s important is you changing and having a voice. I LOVE it when it all starts clicking for a codependent, my people :D!

    • Thanks! :} Sometimes I know how to express it to him and sometimes I really don’t! I think maybe that is because I am unclear about it in my own mind and if I don’t even know what I want or what I think, how can I convey that? But I am keeping working on it, so I will get better with practice!

  2. Oh, and you’re right about the sarcasm. It’s a manipulation to “make him feel stupid” which, in his mind gives him justification to be angry at you instead of just being able to clearly see how his actions hurt you. It becomes about you and how you acted rather than him and his actions. And it too is a form of passive aggressiveness. Just be direct and state your feelings. I know it’s hard when you feel like he’s being a jerk. Lol.

    And you’re right, he may forget things, my husband did (and still does). It’s just as hard for them to break a 20 year habit of just thinking about themselves as it is for you to stop letting them. So, I just keep saying what I wanted and needed and how I felt. And some things I left go, fully out of choice, because as I gained a voice they became less important to me.

    • I don’t think sarcasm is necessarily manipulation. I find that sarcasm will often make a point in a very effective way. I just would rather not be a sarcastic person. Also, there is a difference between doing/saying something in a passive aggressive way, which most people will do at one time or another, and actually having a passive aggressive personality disorder.

      I will keep speaking up, though. Like you said in a previous comment, whether I stay or whether I go, it is something that I need to get better at doing! Thank you for your encouragement!

  3. mixedemotions says:

    Woohoo, so happy for you!! sure you use a tactic he uses but you must have felt great to at least say what you were thinking and not keep it in!! So what if he gets mad, that might get you talking some more. good luck

    • Sometimes I get mad enough that I talk about, but usually I just stew inside. Even when I do try to talk to him about what bothers me, his responses are passive aggressive. When he’s mad, he’s passive aggressive; he doesn’t talk about it. And thank you for your encouragement!

  4. It’s a great start! Congrats!!! Here is more reasons for people to love themselves too! I believe this is true as I have more than one of these things going on with me and my therapist hole heartedly believes this is why everyone around the hole wide world suffers more than they need to be suffering. Please read the website I have posted. I didn’t understand her till I read “Listen to what your body is telling you.” Again, Congratulations!

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