changing?

This morning, he told me that he is working on changing.

And, yes, I have seen him trying to be a little more considerate. 

But at the same time, he is just as passive aggressive when he gets mad at me.

I wish, what I really wish, is that he would just move out while he is working on changing.

It is so stressful not knowing what comes next.  Is he going to be nice?  Is he going to be rude?  Can I count on him?  (Come to think of it ~ this is what I’ve wondered for close to twenty-five years now.)

I guess it’s too soon to tell.  Maybe he really is making an effort to change.  Maybe he is seeing that I really don’t want to be with him the way things are.

I guess it was Friday night that I said, I am so tired of living with you.  I was mad and it just came out.  But maybe that’s okay because it was the truth.  And while I was upset, I didn’t yell or scream when I said it.

One of the accusations he threw at me Saturday night was, you don’t have sex with me.  I said, I don’t have a relationship with you; why should I have sex with you?

Saturday night I also told him that he was just like his dad.  His dad says he does things for his mom, but in reality, he is doing whatever he wants.  My husband sees this.  I told him that was exactly like his dad, that he does whatever he wants, regardless of how it affects anyone else.

So maybe these things are sinking in to him.  But right now, I am almost too tired to care.  I wish I could just be by myself and have peace and rest.  I wish I could somehow turn my brain off and stop thinking, stop wondering, stop caring one way or the other. I wish I had the money and a place to move to right now so I could just rest.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to changing?

  1. ‘I don’t have a relationship with you, why should I have sex with you’.
    That sounds as if it is coming from a strong woman – keep being strong

  2. The more you say to him that you feel, the better you will feel, even if he doesn’t change. However, there is a much better chance of him changing if you do keep saying what you feel and no chance if you don’t. Tell him everything, even if you’re afraid of hurting him or you’re scared. And for a while, maybe a long time, it might feel like too little too late if he changes because your feelings are gone, and he’ll probably do it because he wants something out of it. But, he will start to see you differently. As you love yourself enough to speak up you become someone who requires respect and individuality and a voice. It sounds like from your recent posts that you are beginning to do what you need to do and I’m always soooo excited when I hear that from women I work with. It’s the beginning of self-worth that is so powerful.

    He will continue to be passive aggressive, your right. He doesn’t really know how to be different. Call him on it when he does it, again without yelling, screaming or attacking. Just be real. It can be what begins to open his eyes to his behavior. A hallmark of a dysfunction relationship is not knowing how to be direct because nobody knows how to talk to each other. We spend years not saying anything but wanting to, so we begin to say them through our actions. Passive aggressive behavior is all you both know. Be real about it about yourself too, There’s healing in codependency when you do. For example, when you slammed the door the other night because he turned off the light, that was passive aggressive behavior. Begin to SAY what you feel instead of reacting on it. That’s power.

    And the work you’re doing right now will give you rest. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it’s coming. The fight for freedom in your soul requires a fight like you’ve never had before. It’s such a terrible fight in the beginning, and such a wonderful, amazing, sweet fight later. It’s stops feeling like a fight you can’t win and starts feeling like freedom. Keep up the good fight girl!

    • No, it really doesn’t feel like rest at all. It almost feels harder. In the beginning of our marriage, I often wouldn’t say stuff I wanted to because I thought that was what was meant by being submissive. And then when I couldn’t stand being quiet any more and would say what was bothering me, it didn’t make any difference, when I thought it should. I thought, we love each other, we should make this work together. Well, it didn’t work that way at all! So the more I met with rejection, the less I talked. I just put my energy into stuff that I could see making a difference, like my daughters and my house and garden. But having an empty marriage left an empty place in me that hurt so badly.

      Above you said to tell hime everything. What about that I wish he would just go away and leave me alone. I wish he would leave so my daughter would feel more peace. Those are honesf feelings, not rash, in-the-moment feelfings. So often I just want to be left alone so I don’t have to deal with him and what I “should” do, “should” say. Do I tell him that, too?

  3. seaswift says:

    Sometimes you sound like me.

  4. Baldeep Kaur says:

    Hi. this is a typical case of emotional abuse. I recently wrote a blog post on it. Unknowingly it seems I wrote your story. I feel very strongly about this issue and want to spread awareness about it. I am not sure what you are planning to do about this but i request you to fight it and get out of it. You definitely deserve a better life. You deserve all the love, affection and support.

    Posting this link for your help-http://inspiringevolution.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/emotional-abuse-is-not-okay/

    lots of love, strength and blessings to you!

    • Hi! Thank you very much for your encouragement. I want to leave but I am not earning enough yet to support myself. Hopefully in a few months, I will get a raise and can maybe find another place to live. I appreciated looking at your blog; I agree that emotional abuse is something that people need to be more aware of. I try to fight it at home, but so often I just don’t know how. And sometimes I really don’t care anymore, one way or the other.

  5. mixedemotions says:

    I so so so totally understand…. i’m a little further ahead though because my PA knows how I feel about him now, it doesn’t make it easier to make a decision though especially when he’s been going above and beyond to show me that he loves me, it still messes with my head because I keep thinking that this is temporary and that things will go back as they were before. My brain is so messed up right now I could scream, I wish I had all the answers for you, I wish I had all the answers for both of us. At least you are now really telling it like it is with him, maybe he will change, if that’s what you want, I want that for you too. Good luck.

    • I think that even if he does change, that we are not a good match for each other. Yes, we’ve lived in the same house together for the past twenty-five years, but we don’t really connect or complement each other. I don’t know. It makes me crazy. He offered to make dinner, which is nice, but….. I want so much more than that!!!! “My brain is so messed up right now.” Ugh!

  6. mixedemotions says:

    I was just thinking about you (us PA “victims” must stick together) and I was thinking about false promises…. been there done that too many times to count now. They promise to change but do they really? Mine has been working real hard to change his ways but when will I know that it’s for real? Just saying that it might be a bunch of false promises from your PA….

    • I’ve been wondering that, too. How will I know? And how will I know what is enough? So he offers to make dinner, which is nice. But what about things like him having no relationship with our daughters? I mean, that’s never going to repair. I know what my ideal is a for a marriage, but does that ever happen? And how do I figure out what is acceptable for me to live with?

  7. Abusers know how to cover their tracks so we keep trusting them, keep hoping, keep giving chances. They count on our love, trust, forgiveness, and compassion. They count on our sincerity and goodness.

    It’s been twenty-five years, so I guess at least you can safely believe that it won’t get WORSE if you don’t get out now. I nonetheless heard myself in your words and sensed danger. It’s dangerous to trust him or delude yourself… you’ll end up wasting years of your life on the (im)possibility of “change.” I know I don’t know your relationship and that it’s incredibly imposing to speak with such an authoritative tone, but I know abuse. DON’T waste years on the (im)possibility of change. It’ll be a constant battle of you speaking up for yourself to so much as maintain the illusion or practice of it, and it is a battle you will lose.

    On a more positive note, saying (or writing) things like “I am so tired of living with you,” “I don’t have a relationship with you; why would I have sex with you,” and “I wish I could move right now”… consider it practice. Little steps towards getting up the clarity, courage, and resolve to leave, should you decide that is the right path for you. I took a lot of little steps and had a lot of practice before the end, so when that moment came, the “I’m not going to take it anymore; I am leaving right this second” moment, I was ready for it. Write your resistance, visualize your resistance, enact your resistance– be that calling him on his crap, daydreaming about life without him, or developing a plan of action to get out. It’s practice and training. One day you might be very glad for it.

    • It makes me crazy when he starts doing nice things. It’s honestly easier when he is being totally selfish because then I don’t have to wonder, is this going to last? Am I going to have to stay with him because he is making an effort? And even when he is doing nice things, I don’t relax. I feel even more tense because my guard is up, waiting for what will happen next. Last night I was thinking, ok, he is being a little more considerate, but what if I told him that what I really, really, really wanted was for him to move out. Then would he be so considerate? Would he still try to give me what I wanted? And like you said, if I just keep waiting and waiting and waiting to see if it might impove, I will end up wasting another twenty-five years. You know, I remember even in the first year or two of our marriage thinking that something wasn’t right, but that I needed to give him a chance to grow up. Still waiting….

      • mixedemotions says:

        I understand because it makes me crazy too when he’s nice, don’t get me wrong I’m happy about it but it makes me sad for when he’s not and it makes me sad that i’m stuck in this vortex of back and forth. Bottom line is I can’t trust that the change is he working on is permanent and i know there are no garantees in life but just this once, I wish i could see the future for just this one thing. Funny I felt that the first year I was married too, thinking there must have been something wrong with me since I was the one that made him so angry all the time… time went by and i realized it didn’t matter if i did good or bad, he’s find something else to get angry about. Still waiting too…

  8. catherinetodd3 says:

    You wrote my thoughts exactly:

    “This morning, he told me that he is working on changing…
    I wish, what I really wish, is that he would just move out while he is working on changing.
    It is so stressful not knowing what comes next. Is he going to be nice? Is he going [lie and be obstructionist]? Can I count on him? (Come to think of it ~ this is what I’ve wondered for close to [thirty] years now.)”

    How can you be saying exactly what I’ve been thinking? It’s impossible but true. It’s as if all these people are reading from the same script. And the only real problem here is ME. If I am the one to “move out” then he can’t torture me anymore.

    I did move out but I didn’t really leave. I keep going back for more, hoping and praying that “this time” he really has changed. But nothing changes. It just takes on a different form. And it all ends up with torture for me. So I have to make the change.

    As Mahatma Gandhi said: “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

    That is the one thing I can change. ME.

    All I have to do is say NO. No more. And put it in God’s Hands to “open those doors” that lead to freedom. Mainly freedom from stress and the craziness living with an impulsive liar brings. One day nice next day mean next day silent and then I become “The Silent Scream.”

    I’m heading for greener pastures! Thanks for yet another wonderful blog entry and discussion. It’s a Godsend that I found your place right when I needed it most! Gracias, amiga. More to come for sure.

    • I’m glad that you are glad you found my blog!!! :} It is kind of wild, isn’t it, that I write about these things, and then others tell me that they hear the same things from their husbands! And to think that we thought WE were the crazy ones!!! :} You’ve gotten more away from your husband than I’ve managed to! Yes, I am seeing that I am going to have to be the one to change, to be true to myself, because he is not going to. Just tonight I showed him a sore on my leg that I am worried about; he didn’t really seem to care. That made me feel kinda sad. Enjoy your greener pastures!!! :}

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