post written after eating WAY too much sugar

I told him that I felt like that he didn’t like it that I went to the gym.

Of course, he told me that he didn’t mind at all that I go the gym.

But still, I wonder.

He has said things, off-handedly, that make me think that.  It’s just an impression.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This is so stupid.  I ate too much cake, too much sugar and now I can’t think straight.  Ugh.  Why do I do that?  Why do I eat too much and make myself feel bad?  I wish I could just die.  I am so sick of EVERY #$%@ THING!!!!  I don’t want to do this anymore.  Not any of it.  I wish I could have sex.  I wish someone loved me and would make love with me.  I want sex so bad.  This is so stupid to sit here and write this.  I sit here and pretend like everything is fine.  It’s not.  I am screaming inside.  I hate this.  I hate everything right now.  I guess not everything.  I don’t hate my daughters.  And I like the people here at work. And I am going to go talk to Julie in a few minutes. 

I wish my life would straighten out.  It just keeps going and going and going.  I hate money.  I wish I wasn’t scared.  I wish I was brave enough to leave.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to post written after eating WAY too much sugar

  1. Childofthetruth says:

    It’s ok! Go ahead and kick and scream! Get it out! It is emotionally draining to hold all this frustration in. I hope talking with Julie helps you as well. Just a reminder, we are here for you and think of you often and hope better things for you. I’m out and it’s almost 10 months now. Filed for divorce and waiting for all that to be over. Moving AGAIN, transferring AGAIN and facing some more challenges as well and now the reality that I am alone hit me today like a ton of bricks. Almost had an anxiety attack. I cried to release the emotional strain and now am trusting in my Heavenly Father to help me. I really thank you for posting the story, Never Give Up. As bad as it feels sometimes, I want to give up but I come here to read what you say, whether venting or just telling us what is happening, I don’t and won’t give up. You don’t give up either! Do you hear me????????

    • I hear you. :} Thank you for the encouragement. For some reason, I feel really freaked out and/or discouraged right now. I’ll write tomorrow about what Julie said. But one thing she said is that I hold myself back. I talk myself out of doing what I need to do for my own good. Anyhow, thank you so much for your comment. I needed that! :} I’m glad that my writing helps you. That means a lot to me!!! :}

  2. OneDayAtaTime says:

    I too am a emotional drained mess. Yesterday, I for some reason “thought” I could talk to my husband and once again he glared at me, then I asked if he would stop glaring. Who glares when your trying to have a conversation. My husband!! Then I said I have some issues I am getting straight and would like us to come up with an answer that we both can live with. Immediately he starts blaming this or that on this or that. I said yea your right but why do you allow that, personally. I said why I do and asked why does he. Its did start out good and gave me great hope that man things could really be changing. I explained I am setting up another boundary and the answer to this question and what we can live with and why I need this is important to me. After about 20 minutes and no exact answer to my question. I told him lets just do this and then it will be done. I also said we always do this, have a talk about something and really no answers to resolve it. I could tell the hold time he was hating having to have it anyways. I always can tell. I said if we could solve a problem a week at least there would be 52 problems solved a year, so could we please just do this, get it over with. He got so pissed off. He did something’s that I swore I would never put up with, some of my passed boundaries that I made up was broken. Made my jaw hit the floor!! I for some damn reason thought he was respecting me to a point, we was working on our issues and gaining what I thought I was wanting for myself.

    I know to well what you are going through, how pretty much you are feeling and how you are feeling so depleted!!! I feel just torn inside, sick and so worn down. Strained to the max, tired and look terrible! While he did what he wanted, anything and anyway to control me and now I feel, we are now back at the beginning, square one AGAIN, PLEASE NO. I’m not even pissed, and I should be. I am worn down. Why am I not pissed, why am I taking this crap and when he breaks my boundaries that tells me he doesn’t give a shit about what I am really doing for myself, he’s about him. When I set my boundary, I work hard on them then….. when he breaks my boundaries, he says he doesn’t realize it as it is going on, it just happens like this because it’s him, how he take care of things. REALLY!! What in the world.

    It makes me think, what do I do when a husband breaks a boundary? I have nothing in place when this happens. He breaks my boundaries then I am guessing there is consequences for him or whoever breaks them and how would you even enforce them anyways. The only way I can think of is leaving him but I can’t leave now, I don’t want to and I am not leaving my home, out of the question.. Even when I think of how to take care of this “breaking your personal boundaries” stuff. That’s deep, to me it would just be so much easier if the boundaries would be respected!!!!

    Keep writing and keep pushing through, I am going take and aspirin and heal from this very ridicules crazy stuff. I feel for you sister!

  3. Tonya Malik says:

    I finally got out after 15 years…just two short months ago… I have met a wonderful man, and hes not crazy… he does not resent me, and take pot shots…. who knows how to communicate and EVERYTHING DOES NOT MEAN SOMETHING… but some things mean everything. LIFE can be wonderful…. even though i am still trying to deprogram from the crazymaker way of thinking… life is getting better every day. IT CAN HAPPEN …..

  4. My ex used to hate when I went to the gym or dieted. I was well overweight (220 then) and losing weight wouldn’t have hurt me. It’s hard enough having motivation yourself to exercise and diet but when someone needles in with comments… well it can be enough to give up. I lost 20lbs and he was not supportive at all. He made comments, one that included that a man at work wife lost weight then left him for another so obviously I would do the same. What made me gain a lot of the weight was our eating style. My ex husband’s parents never cooking growing up, they only ate fast food. (Except thanksgiving and christmas dinners) He says (how true I don’t know) he has a texture issue with most foods. He will not eat any fruit or veggie, condiment etc. He only eats cheeseburgers (plain with cheese), fried battered fish, fried shrimp and pizza. I tried cooking for him and he would refuse to eat it. One of his hates was onions, if something had onions in it, no matter how small he would refuse to eat it, yet one day he got onion rings at Burger King and ate them!! WTF!

    It was actually cheaper just to eat fast food with him than buy groceries and make food separately. Pretty sad. So I gained a ton of weight, up to 247. When I left him I went down to 149 quickly, now back up to 158 2 years later, but most of that is due to the circumstances I am in right now. I live with another PA person – my FIL.

    • I find I just can’t win! -from him, anyway! He will sometimes say things about my weight or about me eating too much, but he for sure doesn’t like me going to the gym!!! So I just do what I need to do for! One of the ladies at work told me that when I leave him, the weight will just fall off! It sound like that happened for you! I’m sorry you have to live with anothe PA person. :{ Hopefully that situation will change soon???? Take good care of yourself! :}

  5. Yes, I hope it will change soon. The frustrating thing is a lot of things out of my DH and I’s hands are keeping us living with my FIL :(

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