I’m feeling very discouraged about my life this evening.
I feel like I am so messed up, I can’t think straight, I’ve got so much about me that is so wrong and I don’t even know how to begin to get it right. I feel like I am so unhealthy emotionally and I don’t know how to get healthy emotionally.
Over time, I am realizing more and more ways that I have contributed to the unhealthiness of the marriage by being so codependent. The harmful things I’ve done were completely unintentional and done out of ignorance and I meant well, but now that I am seeing more and more of these things about me, I make myself crazy by wondering if I should stay and try to be better and change what I’ve done wrong. But in that thinking, I also go back to thinking that if I do better, then he will do better and everything will be okay. Which is still codependent.
Yes, I still believe that he is passive aggressive. And passive aggressive behavior destroys relationships. Codependency isn’t so good for relationships, either.
Sometimes I think I’ll stay and do better. But I usually don’t do better around him. I feel like maybe it is a toxic environment that pulls me down. But then I think that I should be stronger than that and rise above.
I feel like I will never be healthy, never be not codependent, never reach my dreams because I am so messed up.
I can’t believe this is me. I always used to know. I used to know what I wanted and how to get there. And if I didn’t know, I figured out and got there anyhow. Why am I so messed up now? Is it mid-life? Is it because I know more now and see more now that I didn’t know before? “Ignorance is bliss.” And how will I get out of this? How will I be healthy and strong and confident and successful? And not crazy and self-destructive?