discouraged

I’m feeling very discouraged about my life this evening.

I feel like I am so messed up, I can’t think straight, I’ve got so much about me that is so wrong and I don’t even know how to begin to get it right. I feel like I am so unhealthy emotionally and I don’t know how to get healthy emotionally.

Over time, I am realizing more and more ways that I have contributed to the unhealthiness of the marriage by being so codependent. The harmful things I’ve done were completely unintentional and done out of ignorance and I meant well, but now that I am seeing more and more of these things about me, I make myself crazy by wondering if I should stay and try to be better and change what I’ve done wrong. But in that thinking, I also go back to thinking that if I do better, then he will do better and everything will be okay. Which is still codependent.

Yes, I still believe that he is passive aggressive. And passive aggressive behavior destroys relationships. Codependency isn’t so good for relationships, either.

Sometimes I think I’ll stay and do better. But I usually don’t do better around him. I feel like maybe it is a toxic environment that pulls me down. But then I think that I should be stronger than that and rise above.

I feel like I will never be healthy, never be not codependent, never reach my dreams because I am so messed up.

I can’t believe this is me. I always used to know. I used to know what I wanted and how to get there. And if I didn’t know, I figured out and got there anyhow. Why am I so messed up now? Is it mid-life? Is it because I know more now and see more now that I didn’t know before? “Ignorance is bliss.” And how will I get out of this? How will I be healthy and strong and confident and successful? And not crazy and self-destructive?

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16 Responses to discouraged

  1. Paula says:

    You will never be the person you wish to be if you remain in a place that doesn’t permit you to be free. Don’t use codependency as your excuse. What are you permitting? Nothing. You’re simply tolerating your existence. Why not enjoy your life instead? You are entrenched in this life you have lived and you can’t change direction inside the relationship. The only course you have in the relationship is a circle that keeps bringing you back to this place you are in this post. To break the circle and the cycle requires a huge leap of faith and trust in yourself. You matter. You’re strong. You must believe you deserve better. Stop shaming and blaming yourself.

  2. Evelyn Malone says:

    Many of your post sound the same to me. I understand that perhaps you feel better just to vent. I’m just concerned that you’re reacting rather than being proactive. What do you really want?

    Sent from my iPhone Grace and Peace to you !!! Jesus loves you!!!

    Evelyn

    • Hi. Thank you for your comment. You’re right – often I am reacting instead of being proactive. I’m stuck! I’m unsure and scared. But I’m working on getting myself unstuck and to a place emotionally that I have the guts to leave, like I say I want to.

  3. When I got fed up with my husband’s passive-aggressive behavior and started laying down healthy (or at least healthier) boundaries, the relationship got much worse. When I addressed my codependency issues, within myself and for myself, my behavior gradually changed and he couldn’t tolerate it. We barely spoke for close to a year, which sounds nuts, but there wasn’t much to talk about when I wanted to break the cycle and he didn’t. He suggested marriage counseling, only to have the therapist call him out on his crazy. I agree with Paula; your responsibility is to yourself. You have the right to be you and to be happy. You do matter.

    • What kind of boundaries did you set? I’m trying to figure that out for myself. I’m trying to work on the codependency thing, to do what I need to do for me, to say what I need to say for me. But I’m not very good at it. And I don’t even know how to set boundaries. There is just nothing here. We live in the same house, but that’s pretty much it. Other than telling him to go away and leave me alone, which I don’t say, I don’t even know what to say. Can you give me some examples of boundaries that you set?

      • I’m trying to recall specific examples (that I can put on the internet)…My husband had a habit of saying he would do things, then not do them…leaving me to either nag him to do as he promised or do whatever it was myself. I calmly explained how I felt about his behavior and told him I would no longer remind him or do the task he promised to do myself. Then I kept my word. Keeping my word was the hardest part for me. It was often so much easier to just do whatever it was myself, but I was really keeping him from suffering the consequences of his choices. (Hurting his mom because he said he’d call and then didn’t, for example, then me trying to smooth things over with her instead of letting him deal with her anger and hurt feelings). Another petty example: I had dinner ready every night by 6, but he would get involved in a computer game and not come eat with the family. (Seriously, I don’t let my kids pull this stunt, but he would). Finally, I told him if you aren’t at the table with us, I’m not leaving a plate for you (or bringing it to you on the computer, which is what he wanted.) I’d clean up after the meal and he’d rummage around for food later. Or not. It wasn’t my problem.

        For me, boundary setting was about looking within and really figuring out what behavior I objected to and why. And it came back to a complete lack of respect for me. Allowing that behavior to continue was the same as ME not having any respect for myself. Once I figured that out for myself, I calmly shared what it was and followed through. I stopped making excuses and apologies in my head for his behavior and saw it for the passive aggressive mess it was. But it was his mess to clean up, not mine. His issues had nothing to do with me personally, I just happened to be in the crosshairs. When I stopped enabling his behavior, things got worse, so beware. He quit speaking to me at all for several months before moving out.

        With your husband, it seems like his words don’t match his actions. He’ll say nice things, then go off and do something sneaky. Or he’ll do something that should be nice (sending you roses) but there are strings attached or a price to be paid by you. He’s not being loving out of love, y’know? You’re doing some things that are good for you: going to the gym, for instance. Maybe build on that. What else can you do that’s positive for you (don’t worry about what he’ll say or think; that’s not your problem). What are some hobbies you used to like, but haven’t done for awhile? I completely lost track of myself in my marriage and that made the crappiness seem normal to me. Give yourself permission to be whoever you are.

    • herestohoping says:

      I like your examples below. I’m giving my PA one last chance, I’m going to use some of your examples, let’s see if he’s serious. Here’s to hoping…

  4. just nominated you for a very inspiring blogger award :)

  5. Fear is a very destructive emotion. It will keep you stuck in the same place, doing the same thing over and over again because that is all you know. The unknown seems like a very scary thing but is it really? Aren’t you more afraid to stay where you are, putting up with the same old, same old, knowing that it won’t get any better?

    I’ve always liked the saying: “You can do the easy thing, or you can do the right thing”. You know which is which, you just need to have faith in yourself in order to do it. Try reading a couple of books (they are a bit new-agey but I promise you they were a godsend to me). ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle and ‘Loving what is’ by Byron Katie. They might help you gain some perspective in your situation. Have some faith in yourself, stop punishing yourself, you deserve to be happy.

    I wish you all the best…
    http://sexstarvedwife.wordpress.com

    • Thanks! I’ll check out those books. I’ve heard of Byron Katie before, but I don’t recognize the other author. When I really think about it, I am more afraid to stay, but that doesn’t mean that I have the courage – or the money – to leave yet!

  6. herestohoping says:

    I sympathize with you because I’m living the same situation. It’s as if there’s a fog and you can only see so far ahead of you, there’s never a clear view, the fog can get so thick and it your eyes almost have blinders on. I’m finally getting out of the fog but I’m not sure at this point if things will improve for me. I’m giving my PA one last chance (yes I know I probably shouldn’t, but I’m an idiot and I still love him)… here’s to hoping this time it works.

    • Oh, yes, I COMPLETELY understand the fog! I’ve felt that I’ve been in fog for years. Sometimes I think, if I just keep going, I will walk out of the fog into the sunshine and I will be able to see clearly. I loved him for almost twenty-five years and in some ways, I still do care about him, which doesn’t make this any easier.

      • stillmixedemotions says:

        i think “loving him” might be too strong words for how i feel for mine, I think you got it right, I still care for him, how deep those feelings run I don’t know because I’m still stuck, I tried to leave and it felt like my heart was ripping…. i don’t know how strong I can be, I’m feeling just like you said “discouraged”. I’ll pray for the both of us – maybe if I pray for two – something might happen. Here’s to hoping…

  7. Zoe says:

    3kids2cats1divorce – Thank you so much for your examples and description of boundaries you set and how to figure out what boundaries need to be set!

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