wanting to matter/codependency

I want to matter.

I know this is part of codependency, feeling like I want to matter, that I want to make a difference, that I want to feel appreciated.

So often at work, I feel like it wouldn’t make much difference at all whether I was here or not. Yes, sometimes, the phone rings and I am the one who answers it, but mostly, I feel like what I do doesn’t make that much difference.

And I think, sometimes, that when I leave, nobody will miss me. Someone else will answer the phone, but nobody will miss me, who I am.

At home, I know I’m important to my daughter, to both of my daughters, but they have their own lives. Which is how it should be.

As far as my husband goes, I often feel like if I weren’t there, it would be an inconvenience to him, and he wouldn’t have anyone to listen to him, but I don’t think he would necessarily miss me.

I know I need to find my worth in myself, not depending on others to give me worth. I’m trying to work on that.

But still, I want to feel like I somehow make a difference to someone, somehow. To know that someone actually cares whether I am here or not.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to wanting to matter/codependency

  1. You’re right about finding worth in yourself. Its a slow process, but you’ll feel it creeping in, and a little will turn into a lot. For me, not having my husbands negative energy around me was really the biggest factor in learning to trust myself, then learning to love myself.
    Keep up the good work!

    • I can see how not having him around would make a big difference in that! I tell myself, “I am worthy. I am worthy.” and then he does/says something that hurts, and then I wonder, if I am worthy, why am I treated like this? Ha! Even writing this, I see that I am looking at someone else for that worth, right? :}

      • and as long as you’re looking to HIM for that worth, you’ll never, ever, ever get it. It gives him power over you to know that you’re desperate for his acceptance and love. If he gives it to you, he has no more power…so for him, this is all a big game. A game that’s much harder to be played by himself :)

  2. seaswift says:

    Well, you make a difference to me. I make a point of reading every post you make – they are honest and thought-provoking, and have helped me to put a new perspective on life. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how we don’t always let people know that they are having a positive impact on our lives – perhaps we feel a bit embarrassed about doing so or assume that they automatically know – now I try to do so when the opportunity arises. Thank you for your inspiration.

    • Thank you!!! :} I really appreciate you saying that! I, too, have been guilty of not letting others know when I appreciate them. Recently a co-worker left and I sent him an email letting him know I would miss him. I really wanted to tell him, not because I had a crush on him or anything like that, but just because he is a nice person. Afterwards, I felt really embarrassed and stupid, but I don’t want to be afraid of telling people when they mean something to me. I figured I would either regret sending the email or regret not sending the email. And I decided I would send the email and deal with it, rather than not send the email and wish I had!

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