how hard he works…

Thursday night, he said that he feels like I don’t appreciate how hard he works.

He said that it seems like I am more careful with the money I earn than with the money that he earns.  I told him that since I started working full time a year ago, that I have bought anything that my daughters and I have needed, that I have only put groceries on the credit card.  He said, well, you bought books [on Amazon, like three of them] and there was that restocking fee for the shoes you returned.  You paid me for the shoes you bought, but you didn’t pay for the restocking fee of the ones you returned.

I asked him if he resented  providing for me.  He told me, not at all.

(Really?  Because it kinda seems like it.)

He said that he works very hard and that I don’t appreciate how hard he works.

This was Thursday night.

So, Friday morning, he asks to borrow my hammer, saying that my hammer is more manly than his hammer and he needs to work on the fort [for the nieces and nephews to play in when they visit] and he needs a strong hammer for that.  He said he was just going to work on it a little bit, before he starts his actual work.

Every week, sometimes almost every day, he tells me about something that he does that is NOT working during work hours.  Working on the fort.  Taking his dad to the Red Cross.   Going to a store with his dad or with Josh.  Stopping by to see an old farmer.   Checking on the garden.  Whatever.

It’s like he doesn’t take his income very seriously.   He makes just enough to get by, but he doesn’t want to work too hard.  He likes to take off and kick back if he feels like it.

Yesterday he said that he and Josh talk about their vocation being their vacation.  Then he said, now, if they could just make more money.

I didn’t say anything.   After all, I don’t appreciate how hard he works.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to how hard he works…

  1. mixedemotions says:

    this guy has some serious issues…. PA are notorious that everyone else is the lowly person and that THEY and only THEY are the hard workers…. yeah whatever… my PA did the same thing and was complaining about his job until I took him to one of mine one day and he REALIZED that my job is important too. WOW, is that all it took, anyways… about the complaining about his job, how he gets passed over for promos and other stuff and how they don’t listen to him…. boohoohoo, so I said to him “you are the only person who can change your attitude about work, you can either suffer in silence and be PA or you can say something and move pass your problems” in other words do something about it. Your PAs comment about “if I could only make more money” well, it’s up to him to get off his ass…. if you were able to take care of all of your expenses and your daughters and not use his money unless it’s for groceries, then I think you will manage just fine on your own. Have you read The Secret and it’s sisters, The Power and The Magic, it changed my life and I was able to take mine back. I’m still with the PA but I know that I can make it on my own if therapy doesn’t work. I feel for you and I’m going through this with you my dear xo

  2. Zoe says:

    It would be very hard to show respect to a person that barely works but thinks that you owe them the world. Cannot stand that!

  3. OneDayAtaTime says:

    Oh I think that is the first thing P/A’s use on their willing victims. This is a good site to check out if your feeling like your cycling over, over and over again with your P/A partner.

    AND here are signs you should have your eyes on at all times or be aware of at least so you know how to deal with it somewhat:

    Mixedemotions I am with ya! BTW, is this the book you are talking about? I don’t have this read if it is the book your talking about.

  4. Liz says:

    You nailed it when you said that they don’t take their income very seriously. PA’s don’t value themselves in a healthy way and therefore, don’t value what they earn or what they have. Every thing and everyone is expendable and worthless. The one thing we need to always remember is that PA people are constantly in a self defeating state and they are always putting more energy into preventing success than creating it. The PA person will do anything to block, stall or prevent success because success would make them look good in the eyes of others and make others happy ( wife, parents, children, friends) and they seem to equate making joy and security with losing power. It’s a shame that a person could go through life causing pain and misery in order to feel powerful but unfortunately, this IS their earthling legacy that they will carry to their grave. The PA doesn’t have a healthy ego at all. They can be very narcissistic but even narcissists have a love/hate relationship with themselves.

    When my husband and I first started out business, we stopped at a bank to get our startup/seed money. I had about 10,000 in cash in a pouch. On our way to go purchase some equipment, I had to stop at a store and asked my husband to put the cash in the storage area in the back of our car and lock everything up. I ran into the store to grab my goods and he came in after me. When I came back out to the car, our money was blowing all over the parking lot. I dropped my bags and ran screaming through the lot grabbing the bills. He just stood there watching until a very nice man started helping me and then he very slowly began walking to pick up one bill at a time. He had left the bills sitting on top of the pouch on the front passenger seat with the windows open.
    ” I didn’t mean to; I forgot to lock it up; I didn’t know the wind would blow; I didn’t think anyone would see it; why did we have to get the money TODAY, you could gotten it tomorrow; You should have never stopped at the store, why did you have to go to the store at all; if you never got the money , this wouldn’t have happened”. Sound familiar?

    Since we’ve been in operation I have witnessed a host of bizarre self defeating financial decisions. just the other day, he did several pruning jobs and didn’t even charge the customers dump fees. He took two hours of his day to go to the dump and did this for free. I asked him why it was that he would take the time to go to the dump for free for customers but if I ask him to go to the dump for our yard debris, he refuses. He doesn’t value his time or his income.
    He allows contractors and retailers to walk all over him and overcharge, rip him off in all sorts of ways. Anytime that I attempt to prevent this from happening, my husband will verbally insult me in front of these people by saying things like, ‘ why do you always have to be so difficult; why don’t you just quit yapping and let me handle this; why don’t you just mind your own business’. After years and years of this, I’ve become somewhat complacent and apathetic in that I just walk away rather than being humiliated.

    I took away all of his debit and credit cards. This was a very difficult thing for me to do and I consulted a therapist before I did it. I had to do it because he would just spend money at his own discretion without any concern as to whether we had any to cover the charges. He never notifies me of what he spends and he never calls me at the office, never gives me receipts. He doesn’t even care if he overdraws our checking account. Yet, when I explain to him that in order for me to pay bills, I need money and I need to know how much I have, he blows up and says, ‘ Where do you think all the money comes from? I am the one out here making ALL the money , not sitting on my ass in air conditioning all day” He simply doesn’t get it. He is totally incapable valuing what he earns. When I tell him that I would be more than happy to turn over all the book keeping and financial management to him, he just walks away mumbling about how I don’t do anything and don’t understand how hard he works.

    If he did value his money, that would mean that he also valued himself and his time and his effort and his business, his future and his family. But he can’t allow himself to do that because his repressed anger is still alive and needs a place to live.

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