Table’s turned ~ maybe

Yesterday we had another session with Julie, the therapist.

I think it went well.

She did have a plan with me listening to him.  It worked just like she wanted it to.  I said that I realized that I was doing what I had always done – listen to him and keep my mouth shut.   She asked me if I was tired and I said yes.   She wanted to make a point to me and to my husband.  She wanted us to see.

I told her that I felt like my husband and I have a parent/child relationship and she said, several times in the session, that she thought that was interesting.

She asked him more questions than she asked me.  I was glad that she heard his responses.   Maybe she already could see these things about him, but, to me, he showed a fair amount of what he is by the way he answered her questions.

Julie guided it so that it was understood that he is just not there for me, that I can’t count on him.   And you know what?  He agreed with her!  She told him that he would have to work really hard to regain that trust and asked him if he thought he could give me what I need.   He said he thought he could.

So her assignment this time is that I talk and he listens.  She said that he has to nuture me.   He has to look after me.  He said he would do that.

We talked about how his digs hurt me.   For example, while we were waiting for Julie in the waiting room,  he said, in a derogatory, sarcastic way, do they let you wear that wild shirt to work?  I was wearing a leopard print shirt that I like it a lot.  I work in a conservative environment and I dress conservatively.    And even though this shirt is an animal print shirt, it is modest.   I didn’t know what to say to him, so I finally said, they haven’t fired me yet.

He told Julie that he knows he does this and that he is working hard not to.  I told Julie that I had had two of these digs slung at me already that morning, so when he says that he is changing, I don’t believe him.   Julie told him that when he says things like that, he wounds me and it makes it hard for me to trust him, to be close to him.

After we left her office, he told me that he liked the shirt that I was wearing.   He told me he would fix dinner for me that night.   And he told me he hoped I would have a good day.

I got home close to eight o’clock, expecting that dinner would be waiting for me, since it was so late.  His truck was in the driveway.  I walk into the house – the door enters into the kitchen – and he’s not in the kitchen.   There is no dinner on the table.  There is no dinner on the stove or in the oven.  Everything looks exactly the same as it did when I left that morning.  Oh, I think, maybe he ordered something and is going to go pick it up.   Or maybe, he decided to take me out.  I wander through the house and find him.   He says, I’m running a little late this evening.   On Fridays, he’s almost always home and showered and just waiting for me to come home and make dinner.   But the one night he said he would make dinner, I get home and it’s not made.  Did I really think it would be any different?   Anyhow, he heated something up out of the freezer and we had dinner.

But really…  not such a good start.

And then today, he got in a dig about my cooking when he was speaking to friends of ours.   I’m actually a very good cook and they all know that.  But still…

His mom is in the hospital again and as we were driving away from visiting her, he called his brother to talk to him about how she is doing.   He was talking and his cell phone lost the signal.  So he called his brother back and the first thing he said was, I’m riding with [me] and she drives faster than the cell towers can keep up with the signal.    (It was a little country road and I was doing about thirty!)   Yeah, so much for working on not sending these digs at me.

But you know what?  I don’t care.  I’m just biding my time until I can leave.   If he keeps acting like a jerk, one day it will simply be too late for him.

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11 Responses to Table’s turned ~ maybe

  1. I’m just biding my time too as I came to the conclusion a long time ago that my husband will never change either. Save up some ‘runaway’ money while you wait, after all it doesn’t have to be much and it can’t hurt :)

    • That’s exactly what I’m doing ~ saving “runaway” money.

    • Tish says:

      Love the term “runaway money!!”

      I’m doing the same. I divert $100 a pay from my adjunct teaching gig to a savings account that knows nothing about. I have an amount I wish to have saved. I’m also paying down one CC to zero, and not using it, and looking for a FT job.

      Daily, I fantasize about him not being here anymore; and how I will redecorate the brownstone once he leaves.

      I wonder how many “Walk-a-way Wives” are actually women married to PA men? It seems that the guys on the marriage (whine) boards are all so “shocked” and “hurt” that their wives just walked away, when they (husbands) did everything right!!!

      I say when we all “runaway” we meet up for a night of drinks!! :-)

      Make a wonderful day ladies!!!

  2. rougedmount says:

    it never ends and just gets worse.. stay strong and make sure to protect yourself financially as much as you can

  3. Tish says:

    Oh the “jokes” we “just don’t get!” What’s up with that? I bet your skirt was very pretty and you felt beautiful in it. Why not just compliment you? I’m sorry.

    Good for you for calling him out on his sarcasm. I swear, that’s probably the one thing about PA men I HATE!!!

    I’m glad the session with Julie went well.

  4. mixedemotions says:

    as anyone ever heard from someone who went through therapy with a PA?? i haven’t… can they really change… i’m not so sure, that’s why i’m still in this mess I think, so confusing…

    • Tish says:

      Yep! And it was an utter waste of energy, time and money. Basically, we spent half the time talking about him being a wonderful father, husband and provider and how he’s so broke, overworked and underapprecitated. The other half of the time was spent explaining that anything stank he *might* have done to me, was either 1) a reaction to MY behavior, 2) a misunderstanding on MY part, or 3) a lie.

      So, yeah…it’s like that

  5. MelS says:

    I’ve been reading comments from followers and the posts from the author (WP). And boy oh boy does it really hit home with me. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just sit, stunned, when another “ah-ha” moment hits me.
    We are on our 4th, yes, 4th counselor in 8 years. That doesn’t include the 4 pastors we’ve seen for help in between the counseling. The first counselor totally called him out on his behavior. Unfortunately we didn’t continue seeing him because we moved out of state. The 2nd one never showed up for our counseling sessions (???). The third one COMPLETELY sided with my PA spouse. The last time I went was when the counselor asked my PA husband how he thought he could live with such a hostile woman for the rest of his life. I knew I was DONE seeing this guy. The 4th one we’ve been seeing for about 5 months now, and I’m not sure what to think of him yet. My husband was seeing him alone for quite awhile, and had the counselor completely convinced that he was married to a deranged, emotionally unstable woman who was abusing HIM! In fact, at one point, the counselor insisted my PA spouse leave the home and stay away until I was less of a threat to him because my husband’s safety was in jeopardy. Afterwards, I insisted on attending the sessions with him. Finally, after about 2 months of joint sessions, I think the counselor is starting to see that my husband isn’t quite exactly the innocent VICTIM that he’s been portraying himself to be. Recently I’ve been using “I feel” statements. It seems like I’m using them 50 times a day whenever we have any conversation at all, about anything. It’s really exhausting to focus on my feelings all the time while simultaneously feeling like I’m beating my head against a brick wall.
    It is not sinking in for him. Last night my husband told me he feels attacked and alone because all I do is tell him how horrible and mean he is to me. Really? I’m using statements like “I feel ignored. I feel dismissed. I feel manipulated.” I just smirked to myself and didn’t let on that I was affected at all by the whining and pity party he was throwing.
    Amazing how the PA can twist anything around and make it sound like he’s the victim.

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