This morning, we had an appointment with Julie, the therapist.

It was fairly stormy!

He was very pouty, very accusatory.

I wasn’t all sweetness myself.  I was tired – physically and emotionally – and I really didn’t hide anything.  Usually when we talk with Julie, the therapist, I tend to soften some of the things I say or the way I say them.  Not today.

At one point, he told Julie, the therapist, that I am saving money to leave.  Julie asked me about that and I told her, yes.  She asked if we had talked about it.  I told her, no.  He said he knows, that he’s not stupid.

Then Julie asked me if I would be willing to come back in and talk with her alone.  I told her I would, so I will be seeing her again next Friday.

When we went out to our vehicles, he told me that he loved me and that he was sad that the marriage was not good.  He said he just wants to hold me and love me.

I told him that I didn’t know how to live with him without destroying me.

He said he wants me to stop controlling everything and let him take over.  I said, sure.

So then he told me that he wants me to make our daughter wash the dishes.

And he wants me to wear my wedding ring.

And he wants me to stop going to the gym after work everyday.

[I guess he didn’t hear the part about me not knowing how to live with him without it destroying me.]

I told him that I had to go to work.  (I was already an hour late.)

Tonight when I came home, he had dinner in the oven and roses and a card on the table.   Dinner wasn’t ready yet, but it does smell good.  I haven’t read the card.

Anyhow, I guess I have to go be nice.

But this still doesn’t make up for what happened on Sunday.  (See post and post.)  We didn’t talk about that at all with Julie today, but I certainly will when I go see her next week.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Today…

  1. Wait, what? He wants YOU to stop controlling everything and let him take over? And that translates to daughter doing the dishes…how? Huh. No, darlin’, you do not have to keep being nice. All that good girl stuff is a big part of how we ended up here. You get to be you. Period. And don’t you dare stop going to the gym! You get to work your body and be strong. Yes, you do!

    • :} Yes, the “good girl stuff” is what got me here. I like the way you said that! No, I certainly won’t stop going to the gym! That is what I do for me and I’m not going to stop doing it. It’s about the only thing that keeps me feeling that at least a little part of me is sane!

      • Karen says:

        So glad to hear that. And that is so true about the good girl stuff. They couldn’t get away with their behavior if we weren’t constantly trying so hard to do the right thing and trying to make everything better for everyone else.

      • Yeah, I always thought that if I did the right thing, if I was “good enough,” then he would love me and give me what I need. HA!!! I think I just married the wrong person!!!

  2. Karen says:

    Do not stop going to the gym. And if he wants your daughter to wash the dishes then he ought to talk to her about it. I hate when they tell you what you should tell the kids for them. That was one thing I realized needed to stop. If he wants her to do something or needs to know something about her he should talk to her. Put that back on him. What he wants you to stop doing is have a mind of your own.

    • You are so right. He can’t stand it that I am strong and capable. My daughter won’t even be in the same room with him, let alone listen to him or talk to him.

      • Karen says:

        I figured as much about your daughter. That is the bed he made. Let him lie in it. It’s not your job to deliver his messages to her. I am so sorry for her not having a father to lean on but she has a good mother. If you are fine with what she is doing then let it be. And if he asks again let him know your not a messenger service.

      • Yes, I have no problem with my daughter’s behavior. I don’t believe she should be “stuck” with the dishes just because she is here a couple more hours a day than I am. She is in college and she has homework. Sometimes she does voluntarily wash the dishes or run the dishwasher. When the dishes get to bugging me, I wash them. If somebody needs a dish, they can wash it themselves. If he wants the countertop cleaned of dirty dishes, he can wash them!
        I, too, am so sorry that she does not have a daddy. It makes me so unbearably sad that I literally cannot think about it, cannot face it. I do try to be a loving, understanding mother to her. And she appreciates that! Even her friends say she has a great mom.

  3. Sofia Leo says:

    Oooohhhh! Lookie here! He’s a Changed Man! He wants to Take Control from his harpy wife! He wants to stake his claim and make you wear his ring! He’s a Man of Action!

    What a load of crap. How many years have you been telling him what you need from him? Yeah. He’s *just now* gonna man up and co-parent with you? Did he miss the part where your daughter is almost grown? WTF?

    He’s only pulling this crap because you are strong and don’t need to stay any longer. Keep going to the gym. Don’t wear his ring that means nothing. Don’t be a go-between for him. Stay strong and work on YOU – that’s the only person you can change in the end, anyway.


    • Yeah, see, to me, those who are “in charge,” “in control” have the responsibility to make decisions in the best interest of those “under” them. It was very clear to me that his demands were all about him – not about what is best for my daughter, what is best for me. He’s like the baboon beating his chest to show that he is in charge, not about caring about his family.
      I’ve managed the family for years because he stepped out of the picture. Or he was never in the picture.
      I won’t stop going to the gym. I am finally losing weight because I go on the eliptical trainer after work. Also, going to the gym is a tremendous stress reliever! It would just about kill me to stop going to the gym!!!
      And yes, the co-parenting thing should have started 19 years ago, in this case. Too late! Last night she wouldn’t even get dinner because he was in the room. It made me so sad.
      I like your “Gaaaahhhhh!” :}

      • Sofia Leo says:

        Sometimes it’s the only thing I can say :-)

        I just want to scream every time I read something like this about some douchbag demanding “rights” he hasn’t earned. Entitlement makes me crazy. Because he donated sperm 19 years ago he now has the right to take over the family without having done any of the work up ’til now? Srsly? He thinks this is going to solve his problems? Delusional, that’s what he is.

        I may be a little off the deep end, but I just can’t take it any more and find myself speaking out when I see this crap. If we don’t speak up, how can we change the world?

  4. mourninglight says:

    Stop going to the gym??? Did he say that in front of the therapist?

    • No, he said it outside after we left her office. I’ll bring it to her on Friday. Oh, and for dinner, he baked steak and onions and red potatoes and carrots and eggplant in a casserole dish. A little like Hunter’s Stew. Did I mention that I can’t stand eggplant? The steak tasted like eggplant. But, after all, he made dinner for me so it would be terrible of me to mention that I don’t like eggplant. And, yes, he is very aware that I don’t like eggplant.

  5. Teresa says:

    Please get and read this book
    It’s helped me TREMENDOUSLY!!!! You DO NOt have to put up with this behavior! NOT AT ALL!!!
    As Christian women we beat ourselves up with guilt because we keep thinking there is something MORE we should be doing! Not true! Our churches have let us down, because emotional abuse is NOT discussed, so we keep trying and trying!
    STOP!!!! Your PA husband is WRONG!!! You’ve done NOTHING to deserve this!
    Please buy this book and read it…Dee Brown really knows PA behavior and it opened my eyes to how I’ve been letting my PAH control me…well, NO MORE!!

    And BTW, didn’t he tell you just last week how great you looked, when he had sex with you?? That the gym was really paying off?? What a JERK!
    I’m soooo over these PA men!!! UGH!!!!

    • I will buy that book. I wasn’t aware of it before, so thank you. Yes, our churches have let us down.

      Yeah, even though he will sometimes say things about my weight or about me needing to lose weight or whatever, he also doesn’t like it when I actually do lose weight!!! He will try to sabotage my efforts!

      Yes, UGH!!!!

      • mourninglight says: This actually has excerpts. I like parts of what I could see, but without the book in hand, it also seems to put burden back on the woman, which I don’t like. Even though I read, research and discuss, I actually am getting tired of trying to understand it, trying to navigate it, trying to live with or leave it. I’m just tired of it, and just tired.

      • I just scrolled through a little of the link that you gave. On page 211, she says,” As you work through your own processing, realize that the passive aggressive person is working through theirs as well. If they gain understanding and see changes within you, there is hope they will thrive and be able to leave behind their toxic behavior.” From my experience, I have to disagree. NOTHING I have done has EVER made ANY difference WHATSOEVER in his passive aggressive behavior. In fact, the harder I try, the worse it becomes. Even though PAs want close relationships, they also cannot tolerate close relationships and will do everything they can to sabotage them. NOTHING I did caused him to be passive aggressive and NOTHING I do now will change his behavior. THAT is why I have the quotes that I do on the right side of my blog about GETTING OUT!!!! Thank you for the link, though. I will look through it more thoroughly.
        I am SO with you on being tired. I kept saying at Julie’s office yesterday that I was tired. So tired.

  6. Teresa says:

    BTW, just wanted to know….Does Julie see his PA behavior….and call him out on it?? I hope she does… I think so many therapists don’t have a CLUE how manipulative these PAs can be!!

    • I’m not sure how aware Juie is of his PA behavior. It seems that she tends to try to help us see things for ourselves, or at least that is the way she works with me. She mentioned one time that I seem to have more insight than some people she works with so she doesn’t have to spend as much time with me expaining things to me. I see things myself and she helps me work through my thought processes. I’m not sure if she sees how manipulative he is, but I think maybe yesterday she saw it. I am planning to ask her about it on Friday.

      • Teresa says:

        Yes. Please ask her about it! I have a friend, Liberty, who’s H had a EA with a girl he met through work….they started counseling right away, and her counselor picked up on the PA behavior right away…and she called him out on it everytime!
        Her therapist is awesome! I wish I could find one like that!
        I’m finding that with PAs if you don’t stop them in their tracks when they say something stupid, then they gain power by getting “getting away with it!”
        Like yesterday, you should have stopped, looked at your H and said “No. I won’t do any of those things, you don’t respect me and our marriage so you have no right to demand that of me, work on your PA behavior first, then and ONLY then will I even contemplate doing as you ask!!” And THEN you walk away!
        You have to take back the power and control they’ve sucked out of you!
        My H wanted sex last night….I told him “No, you’ve barely spoken to me this week, you came home from work today and took a 4 hour “nap” and now it’s 1:30 am and you want sex? No. Not happening!”
        If he chooses to go elsewhere. So be it! My boys have already said that if he EVER has another affair. I won’t have to do a thing, that they will pack him up and move him out! I <3 my sons!! ;)
        I'm not trying to be mean here, but last Sunday evening, my two oldest sons and my daughter in law and I sat done with my H and they told him he needs counseling, that they don't like to see me hurting, and that he's wrong for how he treats me.
        I told my H that I'm no longer afraid of divorce, and that should make him VERY afraid, because I'm not going to take this crap much longer! That I'm tired of being the only one fighting for this marriage!

        He said NOTHING to me then…and he hasn't said a word to me about that conversation ALL week!! Not one word!!! No, "Hey, I've been thinking about what you said on Sunday…can we talk about it?" Nothing! He acts like it never happened!
        On Tuesday he did meet with a Pastor friend of ours…..he told him he's PA and that he wants to "do better" whatever that means!! But he DID NOT tell him about the affair, he did not tell him that I'M in counseling because of HIM, he did not tell him I'm threatening divorce….so I feel he tried to come across as Mr. Good Guy….keeping everyone thinking that he's just the perfect husband and father! HA!!!!

        Then he wants sex??? Right! Not happening!

  7. Tish says:

    Dinner? Flowers? How lovely!

    But…He’s cycling– you know this, right? Keep you guard up and stick to your plan. Also, I do find it odd that your MC wants to meet with you individually. I’ve been told that the client is the “couple”, and each should seek their own therapist. Hope it works out with her Friday. Kudos on being straight-up with him. You’ve sugar-coated for him too long. I’m proud of you.

    BTW, I refiled on Husbro. Waiting until I find a job to balance the income disparity would be like “Waiting for Godot.” He will just have to give me alimony. I opted for a lump-sum settlement. That way he’s out of my hair and there’s no monthly payments to be “late” on or “forget” to mail. We are done. I’m done.

    Best to all of you…. just remember, it’s not you.

    • Yep. He’s cycling. You’re right and I am aware of that – finally!!!

      Julie, the therapist, is actually my therapist. Sometimes my husband and I will go together and she will work with us as a couple, but we didn’t start going to her as a couple.

      I’m glad you are done. A lump sum sounds smart! Enough already, right?!? :}

  8. So, basically he told you that he loved you, followed by a list of stuff he required you to do, all things that would imply sacrificing pieces of independence you’ve been gathering over time. Err?
    Good thing you haven’t read the card yet. Don’t let him win. You’re your own person! Keep saving that money, and in the end you’ll be free and he’ll be bitter and alone!

  9. mixedemotions says:

    He’s projecting his “control” onto you, don’t you dare let him…. mine did that too until I put my foot down and told him it wasn’t going to work “his way” anymore. It was hell for a while but he’s gotten used to it and I don’t take care of his stuff anymore, he has to take care of the stuff he doesn’t like even if it’s not done right.

    • mixedemotions says:

      and the cycles will be farther and farther between. I still think they are honeymoons when he’s nice… and I still expect that someday it will all go away, I hope not but read my comment from another post – the past is also the window into the future, I just hope that what we’ve been going through with therapy will eventually work forever because for me, it can’t work the way it did before, I just can’t deal with it any longer, I learned to respect myself and learned a lot of myself and now nothing else will do. I wish that for all of you my kindred friends.

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