pardon me while I rant..

So, if I don’t say anything about what bothers me – like the eggplant cooked with the steak or him having sex when I don’t want it and he knows I don’t want it – then he is fine.  He’s happy.  He’s whistling.  He’s going merrily on his way.  His life is good.

And I feel awful.

But if I say something, anything, about what bothers me, then he blames, he whines, he pouts, he accuses.

And then I feel like I am a terrible woman and like I am crazy.  And I wonder if maybe I am unfair to care whether my steak is cooked with eggplant, because, after all, there are roses on the table.  And that it’s somehow my fault that I don’t enjoy sex with him.

I don’t know.

What does a healthy relationship look like?

In a healthy relationship, would a woman not care if her steak was cooked with eggplant?   Or would a man not cook the steak with eggplant when he knows she doesn’t like eggplant?  And if for some reason, if he did cook steak with eggplant, can would she mention it?  Or would she just look at the roses?  And if she did mention it, what would he say?

Well, I have to go make dinner.

I’m hungry, even if I am crazy.


This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to pardon me while I rant..

  1. These things will make you crazy if you don’t pay attention to what your gut is telling you. It comes down to your willingness to communicate and ask for change and his willingness to hear you and work on the subtleties. The smokescreens (e.g., flowers to compensate for unwillingness to pay attention to the things that really matter to *you*) are quid pro quo substitutions for what you want with what he wants to give. It’s just selfishness manifest.

  2. giorgethomas says:

    Steak cooked with eggplant? Surely there’s more to that….

  3. rougedmount says:

    i agree with dharmagoddess…its all smoke and mirrors and bait and switch…give with one hand while taking away with the other.some people just don;t care to know the person they live with.

  4. Karen says:

    I think I am going to join you in ranting.
    Would you ever cook and serve a food you knew he didn’t like? I know I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even consider it. I would more likely cook something for him I knew he enjoyed but I didn’t like. I bet your the same way.
    Last week while I was at work my daughter and her family were here. The only lunch he offered was tomato salad. My daughter and her kids hate tomatoes. Always have. Now some people might say he offered food. But he knew what he was doing and that she doesn’t eat tomatoes. You can’t tell me that wasn’t on purpose. She sure felt like it was.
    Your husband went to a great deal of trouble to look like a good guy. But just to make sure he pissed you off he threw in the eggplant. Makes you look really bad if you say anything right? After all look how hard he tried. That’s why you can’t win and just need to get away. Let him be someone else’s problem.
    I have zero tolerance for this behavior anymore. I hope your exit plan is still moving forward. Have you talked to any lawyers about what you are entitled to and how you should go about leaving? It may help you with your plans.

    • @Karen, I also am of the zero tolerance mindset. It’s helped me cope immensely but it was not easy to take that first step. Turns out that the hand-writing about taking the first step was far worse than the step itself. huh. wild. :)

  5. Baldeep Kaur says:

    Steak and eggplant is just a triggering factor that shifts your attention to bigger issues. If your relationship is good, you would not care about such things and even if you do you will not spend more than 10 mins on this issue.

    Think about the kind of life you want and work towards it.These minor things will get sorted on its own.

    Be brave and keep evolving!

  6. I can identify with what you’re saying here. You could be describing my situation. If I don’t say anything, things appear fine (only they’re not for me). If I do say something, I get blamed for everything. I’m constantly monitoring my words and actions, get totally confused and am torn between standing up for myself or living a quiet but unhappy life. I don’t know what to say except, be strong.

  7. mourninglight says:

    Hope this will make you laugh ;P

  8. In a healthy relationship, a woman can say, “I don’t like eggplant”, and then her man will try not to mix eggplant in the food in a way that his partner is obliged to eat it. And in turn, in case the man is really fond of eggplant, the woman will make concessions from time to time and not insist they never ever eat eggplant again. A healthy relationship is giving and taking.
    Your husband is A) a dick and B) he always only takes. You give and give and give, and he never cares about what you want or need. You’re not crazy at all for noticing that and having enough of it.

  9. mixedemotions says:

    I’m wondering too what a healthy relationship looks like… although I have had some insight into this by now since we’re going to therapy. I still feel like I might go crazy though, I still act out HIS anger, I still feel like he’s going to explode. He’s feeling great about therapy, doing all the things we’re supposed to be doing through this process and I’m still feeling jaded. I wonder all the time if I didn’t have this relationship what would I have, would I still be destined to be with someone PA if I had had the courage to leave so many years ago, would I be in love, would I know what a mature relationship would be?? I don’t know, I don’t think I would know if it hit me in the face.
    Don’t feel terrible, what you are feeling is the anger that he doesn’t have since he’s transferred it over to you. That is what he wants and he’s accomplished it very well…. these PA know exactly how to do that and we don’t even notice. I sometimes wish I was like a duck, water just glides off the feathers, maybe I could grow some repelling skin that would just have all PA behaviours just glide off me. You are at the point where it doesn’t matter what he does, it will annoy you, you are getting stronger mentally and that’s why that is happening. One day, you’ll be ready to go.

  10. Jwhowhat says:

    Very insightful comments. Sometimes when I read things here, they sound so normal/my life to me that I wonder why the upset exists in the poster. Then I realize — you all, as well as myself, are NOT living in mature, healthy relationships. It’s just been so long, that, like a lot of you, I am not sure that I would recognize one! Especially for the myself. I think “mixedemotions” hit the nail on the head by stating that he had transferred his anger to you — happen to me all the time, if I allow it….but for decades, i didn’t even realize that is what was happening. This PA abuse is SO insidious that we become victims without even realizing it, and then wake up one day and wonder where we are, how we got here, and who we were before this all happened. So weird.

    • mixedemotions says:

      that hit me when I turned 39… all of a sudden I was in a nasty relationship, thought it was all my fault and I kept thinking, why I here with a man who seems to hate me one minute and adore me the next. I honestly thought there was something seriously wrong with me that I was so confused, depressed and angry all of the time. The littlest thing would set me off until I spoke to a friend and she pointed out what she knew was wrong and I finally listened because she had tried to tell me so long ago. It is insidious, you don’t realize until the damage is done, even now he’ll say something so hurtful and blow if off as a joke (f*** off is what I say now – it’s not a joke to the person you hurt) and he doesn’t get away with it anymore but I’m still there, jaded and worried. Someone recently sent me an article completely unrelated but a comment jumped out at me: “the best way to see your future is to look at your past”. It stayed with me for several weeks and I realized that I was seeing my future possibly, it was hard to swallow. Still mixedemotions.

  11. OneDayAtaTime says:

    When reading this article, it occurred that the overriding behavior principle for neurotics (IMHO) is consistency, honesty, responsibility, and integrity (in their words and deeds). This makes it VERY EASY for the CA (covert aggressor) to predict what their victims thoughts and actions, and hence, to MANIPULATE them.
    Whereas, the overriding principle for covert aggressive is the very opposite, i.e., inconsistency, dishonesty, irresponsibility, and lying etc.
    This combination makes is a “piece of cake” for the CA to manipulate the victim and (nearly) impossible for the victim to understand what’s going on . . . for 3 reasons,
    1) The victim is unaware of the CA character (because the CA hides it).
    2) The victim doesn’t operate like that (and naively assumes others are like him/her).
    3) The victim WANTS to believe the CA is operating in “good faith”, and according to societies standards.
    It has just hit home, to me, that THIS is why it is so easy for the CA to manipulate his/her victim, and so difficult for the victim to extricate him/herself from the CA machinations.

    Well observed, and I would add a fourth:
    4) Neurotics feel guilty for thinking bad of people – so even when their instincts/gut feeling/intuition starts to warn them, in their head they argue away the realization they so badly need. Because they feel guilty thinking that of the person (especially if they are a family member, friend, etc)

    Read peoples feedback if you have time.

  12. OneDayAtaTime says:

    Has anyone one read the above writing( )and then you click on “They know what they are doing” Page: ( ) The person who is writing is the author of the book “In Sheep’s Clothing”. Well anyways, I remember someone writing about this book and what a intresting book it is and how it explains defects in people. As you read the comment section that makes me sick, ill and scared on different levels and reasons. Anyways this was one of the comments:

    AUG 23, 2012
    They certainly “do” know what they’re doing but they don’t care.
    This is their emotional cancer: lack of empathy. Once we can emotionally accept that they are the way they are because they want to be that way the closer we are to the path of freedom. I think people tend to beat themselves up because we can’t fathom that there are people in this world who are this parasitical and soulless. It’s a bitter pill to swallow and accept particularly when you think about humanity. I myself have debated the husk vs. human question. I now know that the charming man I believed he was was indeed a conman, a fraud, a schemer, a liar, a parasite, a user, a swindler and disgustingly entitled.
    I’m a believer that once you understand what you’re dealing with in terms of character disorders and narcissiism you have to get radical. Leave and never look back because they aren’t worth your life. You can’t leave any room for entanglement or manipulation because they really are experts at conniving, twisting and rigging the game to win at any cost. It’s almost like your thinking has to get black and white to truly understand that CD people really do not change. They’ve been at this behavior before you came into the picture and will continue to do so after.
    You have make the choice to love yourself, recognize your codependent traits and value the gift that is your life and know that a broken, empty, sad, and toxic poisonous soul will never have the key to your happiness. They are not capable of fixing, amending or repairing because their toolshed is empty.
    These kind of people do not deserve a seat at anyone’s table.

    Dr. Simon
    AUG 23, 2012
    Very well said, Melinda, and thanks for taking such care with the comment.
    One small request, please, to satisfy one of my quirky pet peeves: let’s substitute: “recognize your emotional vulnerabilities, including any dependency,” and strike the overused and generally incorrect “codependent.” The whole paradigm of co-dependence is one of the main culprits that kept people involved in destructive relationships, despite its good intentions. Seeing an abuser as in any way dependent along with you always makes the truth about them harder to see. Just saying…. :)

    AUG 31, 2012
    I totally agree with you Melinda

    I do think it is nice how you can write something to him and he use to respond back. The last time he responded is in 2012 as far as I can tell but others have and I can’t believe I have been this oblivious to manipulation and many other things.

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