spoiled brat

Last night when I am just about asleep:

him:  I think you should have sex with me.


me:  The last time I had sex with you, I cried all day.  (See post.)


him:  I really need to have sex.  It hurts to not have sex.


me:  It makes me cry when we have sex.


him:  How would you feel if I hadn’t danced with you last night?

We had gone to a family dance hosted by our church the night before.  Yes, he danced with me.  I love to dance.  He humors me.  He doesn’t dance well.  He doesn’t dance as much as I would like.  But he is the only one I can dance with so I dance with him and I don’t say anything about it.  But it kind of makes me sad because I would love to dance with someone who loves to dance as much as I do and who dances as well if not better than I do.   And that night, in the middle of the evening, he got a text from his sister, so he spent the next half hour on the phone with her going over a family drama that he neither could (nor would) do anything about from where we are.   There was no need for him to spend all that time on the phone with her instead of dancing with me.  But whatever.

I didn’t answer him about how I felt about dancing with him.  It wouldn’t have done any good.   In fact, there was nothing at all that I could have said about anything.  It wouldn’t have mattered to him.  He has no empathy.  He has no concept in the least of what it feels like to be in someone elses shoes.

Then he said:   Is there something wrong with you?

me:  Excuse me?


me:  Did you just say, is there something wrong with me?   There’s nothing wrong with me.

him:   I think there’s something wrong with you.   Most women want sex.  And you don’t want sex.   There must me something wrong with you.

me:   It hurts me to have sex with you because I don’t feel emotionally connected with you.

him:   I try to be nice to you and to love you and to not make you mad at me.

me:  I still don’t feel emotionally connected

him:  Is this because I don’t make enough money?


him:  What do you want?

me:  I want to be loved.

him:  You don’t know what you want.  You’re just a spoiled brat.  You’re selfish and you’re picky and you have to have everything exactly the way you want it.  And you’re just using sex as a weapon to get what you want.

There was nothing more to say.  I eventually went to sleep, curled up like I had been kicked to the gutter.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to spoiled brat

  1. I wish I knew where you lived so that I could help you find an apartment to live in all by yourself. A place where your daughters could come and visit with you, where you could have all the things you wanted in your own space. A place where YOU can use all the hot water for a shower whenever you please.
    If you’d like some help finding a new place to live, or help with moving, or help with anything…I really wish you’d let me know.

  2. mourninglight says:

    He felt he did something for you (dance), so therefore you owed him. That means he now feels entitled to sex on his terms. For someone with control issues, the sexual relationship isn’t about wanting and enjoying intimacy with each other. It’s interesting (and sick) that even the ‘dance’ was done on his terms (enough to feel satisfied with himself, but not really about you, thus the long phone call with his sister).

    He said: “I try to be nice to you and to love you and to not make you mad at me.” Try to be nice, try not to make you mad? That has a juvenile tone in its wording, and implies he’s a good boy with a cranky mother.

    Some years ago, I told my husband he seemed to treat our relationship like a bank account, one in which he kept a careful ledger. There were a couple problems with that. One problem is that he’s a lousy bookkeeper. Small, crumb size deposits into the relationship only give a low balance, yet somehow it seemed to make him feel entitled to bounce checks. The other problem, of course, is that a healthy relationship isn’t about keeping score.

    I’ve come to mistrust almost anything nice he does for me, because he throws it up in my face later. His ‘acts of service’ often seem to be his substitute for relationship. He brings up what he ‘does’ as justification for withholding relationship, as reasons he feels ‘we’ (kids and I) don’t appreciate him, or he might fire off a barrage of all he does if I try to hold him accountable for something.

    him: “Is this because I don’t make enough money?” As a response for your simply communicating that you need emotional connection, this is just a grab something out of his butt attack to divert focus away from him not being willing/able to have emotional and relational connection. The old ‘attack to divert’ tried and true sniper tactic. When my husband does this, I told him it’s like a machine gun full of turds fired at me.

    To acknowledge simple want of a particular person apparently feels threatening, and in some convoluted way that translates to someone trying to ‘control’ them, which must be resisted. Even worse, the table must be turned and intimacy withheld so that a sense of power returns to the withholder. Your need is a weapon that he can control and manipulate. I do think there is a human being inside of these men that wants connection and love, so it all seems so sad to me.

    You said: “I want to be loved.”

    He responded: “You don’t know what you want. You’re just a spoiled brat. You’re selfish and you’re picky and you have to have everything exactly the way you want it. And you’re just using sex as a weapon to get what you want.”

    He just told you who he is.

    • Extremely insightful analysis. It brings a lot to the table support-wise to hear these sorts of rhetorical breakdowns that ultimately bolster one’s ability to discern and resist manipulation.

  3. Sofia Leo says:

    Yeah…There is just so much wrong with his perception of your life together to even begin to sort it all out. That “withholding sex” thing – what does he think you’ve gained by that? OMFG!!!

    I heard the “there’s something wrong with you because you don’t want sex” line a million times. I explained my reasons, just as you did. The narc deflected, just as your P/A did. They are assholes, no doubt.

    Ditto what lookingforward2012 said.

  4. Karen says:

    There is really no winning in these arguments with them. They will never see or admit what they are really doing. And there are enough people out there that only see the “great guy” that they feel justified. Just added to your list of reasons why you will be happier without him. And don’t give in on the sex. You will never get what you need from him.

  5. He sounds just like my ex. anything he does he thinks it owes him something and most the time it is sex. even now two years or more later and we aren’t together. And the you just want it your way and your this and that. It is never them they never do anything wrong they never mess up they never take responsibility for anything. The other day he told the ferrets we just got he was going to get fired and it was their fault. Because he decided to clean the litter box and then got a call in the middle of it. He couldn’t leave it half done so he had to finish. Then one tried to get out or something so it took him a mill a second longer to close the door so he was going to get fired. Not that he is late every day to work because he does not get up when he needs to or when his clock goes off. He gets up when I go wake the kids up for school and that is at time for him to be leaving just about. He still has to get ready and take care of things before he goes. So he took a minute or two to answer that one call wouldn’t be a big deal if he wasn’t late all the time. It isn’t the ferrets fault he got a call or that he was changing the little box that wasn’t even his place to do it is for the kids to do if they want to keep them. But that is his game too. he does it then cries about how he does everything around here and they don’t do anything.

  6. seriously says:

    I agree with mourninglight, he did something so he wanted something in return. My PA would do the same. It’s all about them, all very draining. The fact that he doesn’t seem to care that you have issues with sex with him specifically is mind boggling… any normal man would want to know what the problem is, ok so he asked but he didn’t like what you had to say so he hurt you again… vicious cycle. Mine would be nice before so I knew what he wanted but once we done being intimate, he would turn around and hurt me. The big emptiness I feel is much more raw after, and I feel lonely just like you. How’s therapy going, are you still going with him?

  7. Thank you all for your comments. This post is too painful for me right now to reply to all of you, but I do truly appreciate your support.

  8. Thank you for blogging, for sharing and being brave to post.
    I feel better tonight to sit and read your words. I feel connected to Others, You.
    I hope you dont think that weird.
    I want to share with you.
    We Sleep Separate and far and away. recently i agreed to sleep closer, him to sleep closer anyways. it did not last a week. I champion you that you can say NO to sex…I dont feel I can. I have been saying no more and more in passive ways and I feel safer for the diastase even though I feel Very Alone.

  9. My heart is breaking for all of us. I have never wanted so much in my life to be a superhero more than I do right now. I wish desperately I was Wonder Woman. If only the Lasso of Truth worked to make others SEE the truth as well as tell it. That would be a superpower indeed.

    I hate crying. I would so much rather be angry than crying. But in some weird way this is even stranger feeling both at the same time…

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