I wonder…

I feel like I have become a terrible person in this relationship and I wonder if I will carry the “habits” that I have with my husband into another relationship, if I ever get to have another relationship.

My blog points out so many things that he does wrong – I don’t even write about everything! – I wonder if I am a negative, critical person and will just find everything wrong with someone new.

I know that open communication is important for a healthy relationship, but many, many, many times, I hide what I think and even what I do from my husband because I don’t want to be “punished” for it.  Will I be afraid to share in a new relationship?

Will I go into a new relationship expecting whoever I am with to not like me, to not be good to me, like I do with my husband?

Will I seek out “crumbs” from other men if I am with someone else?

Will sex make me cry?

I wonder these things and it makes me scared.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to I wonder…

  1. Karen says:

    I have wondered all of those things too. How ingrained is it in me to respond like this now.? I also wonder if I will pick another man just like him because that is what I am “comfortable” with. Hopefully we will take our time and have learned from our mistakes. People keep telling me I won’t make the same mistake again and that they were able to move on from this type of situation and be happy. Happy with new men that are nothing like the old. I also keep searching the internet for early warning signs of bad relationships and also signs of good relationships. Since it doesn’t come naturally to me I thought I better learn. Lol. I think even if in the end I end up alone it would be better than living like this. I also wonder if taking a break for a while before trying a new relationship will help. Maybe like a detox period. Give ourselves time to get back to normal.

  2. jenna says:

    I have recently ended a relationship like this, it was a short one of less than a year. I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet when I read all of your entries and my heart goes out to you. I have been curious as to when others on here started to notice signs of PA in their partners?

    • wifeofpa says:

      I noticed mine after 6 months of being with him, actually day for day it was 6 months and also the day we moved in together. It was a bit eye opening but I dismissed it (of course) thinking this was just the stress of moving, some people are not good during moves. But realized soon enough, this guy had issues that I couldn’t possibly understand. Also realized this guy was not who he had presented to me initially, easy going, free, a talker, motivated and upbeat. No this guy was prone to depression, self-loathing, bringing himself down and anyone around him. No longer the great guy I thought I had met and fallen in love with. I tried to leave, only to be met with “I’m going to kill myself if you leave me”… He did attempt suicide several times during our relationship, once sending him to the hospital by ambulance only to find out that it was a suicide attempt…. so I never left, I’m still there imagine. I should have listened to my gutt instinct way back when, now I’m too old and too ingrained to make a move. Don’t pity me, I’m ok with it, it’s my choice. I hate it, hate myself for it. Maybe I’ll be strong enough to change my mind one day.

  3. I’ve been separated from my PA husband for a year and a half. I’ve wondered the same things, but have come to realize that I need time for myself at this point. I need to work on me, which in turn makes my concern about attracting another PA partner moot. I’m different now than two years ago or 20 years ago. Now I know what to look for and be aware of, in myself as well as in a partner. Taking a break is important for me. I need to process the whole unhealthy mess and come to terms with it.

  4. The fact that you’re aware of the possibility of taking this into another relationship shows awareness and is a positive sign.

  5. Childofthetruth says:

    WP,
    I want to share with you my recent experience and maybe you can glean from it. I totally understand what you are saying, wondering…. I’m now divorced after being separated for over a year. I still don’t regret leaving though financially it is still hard. I live with my son since I cannot afford rent on my own (work in progress). It’s been over a year of not having any affections or sexual relations and yes, I’m lonely. I went on a dating site and began dating. I read tips from dating coaches on how to date and decided to “circular” date so as to meet different kinds of men from handsome to just regular joes, ones with money and ones with less, (Inside I am longing for a connection with someone but at the same time cautious). Well, I meet two guys who are so extreme from each other. Both of them have great qualities and not so great. Yet I’m drawn to the one who behaves like my ex!!!!! The first time I notice a PA behavior, I about came unglued. I mentioned this to a girlfriend and she told me to dump this guy IMMEDIATELY!!!!!! “Abuse is abuse”, she says. But do you know what I did? I continued to go out with him in hopes that I was wrong about him. What have I learned!!!!! That it’s not easy to change and I’m still not strong enough to avoid toxic men. I’m a mess again. Yet, on the other hand, is a guy willing to give me the moon and I’m not as attracted to him as I am with Mr. PA. I’m ashamed of my behavior and am not making excuses. When my emotions get too involved, I lose perspective and some self esteem in making the right decision. Now, I’m begging God to help me have the strength to break it off with this PA guy. I guess I still have a ways to go, but I too am wondering!

  6. mourninglight says:

    I wonder all the same things. One of the better books that helped me connect the dots of why we are attracted to someone unhealthy was Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=29154&cn=289 “Essentially, “women who love too much” are those who are always seeking love and affection from partners who are unavailable. “

  7. mourninglight says:

    I just read this list of healthy vs addictive love, and feel it’s worth sharing. http://www.scribd.com/doc/28267411/Letters-From-Women-Who-Love-Too-Much-5-Faces-of-Desire

  8. Expat says:

    When I left my ex I worried about the same things. My situation is a bit odd but – My new husband isn’t PA but his dad is along with having NPD. Since we live with him I still get to deal with that bs I had to in my previous marriage. But, it’s not my husband, so that’s kind of a relief. My new husband tells me that I have a habit of keeping my cards close to my chest – as in keeping my feelings, wants or desires to myself. This is a habit from when I was with my PA ex and is something that I didn’t realise that I was doing until he told me. So, I am trying to work on that and let him know what I want or need.

    I think once you are with a man you love and is caring that you won’t want to seek out crumbs from other men. There really will be no need to because you will be getting what you need at home.

    I wondered if I’d ever like sex with a man after my ex – because we rarely did it (maybe twice a year) and when we did it was so robotic, emotionless and terrible. It does get better. I find when you do have someone who cares about you and your wants sex is a lot better and can be quite awesome as there is the positive emotional component that we need.

    Think about it, you were probably a totally different person before you met your husband. During the course of your marriage you probably have changed – the way you act, speak, walking on egg shells etc. That is not the real you. When you leave you will not be that person – there may be some remnants – like feeling like you should walk on eggshells but that will pass over time. And after such a long and traumatic marriage you will be able to distinguish between PA men and non PA men. You know the signs – sure, you can forgive a few slip ups – for example we all forget to do things from time to time. But you will know how to figure out what is honest forgetfulness and which is on purpose.

    • wifeofpa says:

      true we do change afterwards, once you don’t let PA people walk all over you, but it’s a constant battle something that you need to work on because these people are so good at hiding at first their true identity that you don’t recognize it until later and you’ve already invested time and love perhaps with them. I truly believe that you do not stray too far from your original character no matter how old you are or the experiences that you grow from, are you wiser, yes probably but, you will never change your heart or your way of thinking unless you work on yourself and are very very aware of who you are and what you will accept.

  9. wifeofpa says:

    pffff, wondered the same thing many many times… only to realize that I’m attracted to only PA men… I obviously have work to do. I guess it’s so ingrained inside that I can break free from the pattern. Nice men are attracted to me but I am not attracted to them. I don’t get it, but I’ll figure it out, and you will too my dear. I thought I wouldn’t want another man that’s even remotely similar but it’s stronger than me, I can’t seem to fight it at the moment but I will come hell or high water, darn it I’m living through this again with someone else.

  10. You know when I met someone after leaving my PA husband it was everything I wanted in a relationship and never had. He was nothing like my husband. I found it very hard to stand back and let him take care of things and handle things. Even if they didn’t involve me or had nothing to do with me. He helped with bills that needed paid and dealing with people when we bought stuff or had problems with stuff. He would go and take care of it or we would go together and take care of it but most the time he would do the talking and get things done. It was very hard for me to stand by and not jump in and take over or to just go and do it myself and leave him to wait. Because with my ex I had to take care of everything that went wrong. He couldn’t talk to people and get stuff done. He would ask them and go on and if it never got done it just never got done. He didn’t go back or try to get it taken care of. I knew in my new relationship he would and was able to take care of things and get them handled so I didn’t mind him doing it. But it felt funny to not have to worry about it and do it all the time. It was nice to have someone who would do it.

    When I was with my ex anyone could say and do anything they wanted to me anything at all and my ex wouldn’t do anything or say anything he would just sit there or walk off. I would be standing there taking up for my self all alone even when it was about stuff he had done or started. I would be left to fix it. I would have to do the same thing for him if someone started on him or something happen. I would have to rush to his rescue and take up for him. In my new relationship if anyone did something or said something to me he was all over it and taking care of it. Again not that I can’t for myself but it is nice to really have someone who cares enough to not let people try to walk over you and treat you like dirt under their feet. We talked about everything and anything nothing was off limits. We always talked about anything that was bothering us about the relationship or each other. We always stood behind each other and helped each other out. You just have to remember that when you are talking the other person isn’t saying stuff to upset you or to be nasty or because they are just trying to point stuff out. They are saying it because they love you and they want to be with you and want the relationship to grow and blossom not stop growing and get stag-net and steal like the the relationships we came out of.

    I had wondered about other guys and things for the last few years that I was with my ex. When I got into a new relationship I never looked at other guys or wondered about them had any erg to talk to them or anything else. I found myself wanting to talk t the person I was with more and just very happy for the first time in a long time. Oh and the sex is great even if you have to teach them a little because you have that passion and connection you haven’t had in so long but wanted. You are with someone who wants you and to be with you some one who cares if you enjoy it too. Not someone who just wants to be with you because you are their wife and they want sex and that’s what your there for.

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