The evening after he cancelled my credit card, I sent him an email asking him who told him to cancel my credit card. I was trying to figure out if it was an actual lawyer. Here is the response I got:
I made the decision myself without being told, but a real lawyer said it was the thing to do. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.
Why did you not answer my question about lunch? If it wasn’t you, just say so. If it was, what are you trying to hide by writing a lot of other stuff and ignoring the question?
One other thing.
I don’t want you to think that I was snooping on you, but when I was looking at something about our cell phone service, I saw something in your call log that has puzzled me and maybe you can clear it up for me.
On the last day of our vacation about 2pm you called a therapeutics place and then about 8pm you got a call from an id blocked number. Then you came and got the van and you were gone for a couple of hours. Did you go and have a late night massage from a man?
[My name], I love you and care for you. I want to talk to you. I know that you think you have put whole life into making our marriage work for a long time and I haven’t done my part. I know that I have many faults and shortcomings, but I work hard to try to make you happy and to feel loved. You know the things I do and I keep hoping that if I do them well enough you will love me.
I was reading about fairness in the Rescue Your LoveLife book and says that I should do things for you just because, not because I’m looking for something in return. I keep thinking that if I give you a good enough footrub, it will end in wild and passionate lovemaking, instead of sleep. I’m wrong to think that. Sorry.
I hope you have a good and safe trip home tomorrow.
I love you,
I went outside and found a place where my cell phone worked a little and I called him.
I told him that, yes, I went out to lunch, and, yes, I got a second massage.
He didn’t say anything at all about the lunch, but he REALLY did not like it that I got a massage. I tried to tell him that I needed the comfort and that the guy was VERY professional and that nothing was inappropriate. He still did not like it.
I kept asking him why he cancelled the credit card and he wouldn’t answer me. Finally he said he cancelled it because he was concerned about the finances. I told him that always in the past that when he has asked me to use cash instead of the credit card, I always have. I told him that I have worked with him on the finances whenever he has asked me to. He had no answer.
Then he started telling me that I treat him like crap. I asked him to give me an example. He said that I think that he doesn’t make enough money. I told him, well, you are the one who just cancelled the credit card because of the money. I told him that he couldn’t have it both ways. I told him that it is okay for him to say we don’t have enough money but it is not okay for me to say we have enough money???
He told me that it didn’t matter anyway because I was just going to leave him. [Oh, he was so pouty.] I told him, why would I want to stay with someone who pulls the rug out from under me like that??? I told him that being mean to me is not going to make me want to stay.
He said that he wanted us to read the “Rescue Your Love Life” book together. I asked him if he was just going to beat me over the head with it. [He attached a pdf of the section about fairness to his email. I didn’t read the pdf; I just saw that it was there. My guess is that this is his way of lecturing me that I am the one that is unfair.] So, I told him, okay. I’m trying to buy a little time to get home and see what else might be going on.
Anyhow, regardless of what he says about the credit card being cancelled because of finances, I pretty sure that it is actually major punishment.
Yesterday I called the bank where we have our joint checking accounts. I asked if he could remove my name from the accounts without my knowledge or permission. He can’t remove my name, but he can close the accounts and re-0pen them in just his name without my knowledge or approval. So that was scary to find out! As of yesterday morning, those accounts were still there. I don’t know if he has done anything since.
Yes, I do have my own checking account, my own debit card, and my own savings account. In my name only. He can’t touch those. And, oh, he hates that!
You know, when I have sex with him and just want to die, I feel that very deeply and very intensely. And that feeling lasts for several hours, all day the last time. And then it starts to fade. With this, I feel like I’ve been punched and kicked. And while the intensity isn’t the same as after sex, I have felt sick to my stomach since it happened and the feeling isn’t going away like it does eventually after sex.
I’m driving home today. He got the timing wrong in his email although I am sure I told him when I was coming home. I want to go home – my work is like a haven because I work in a good place with good people – but I also dread what I might have to face. But I also feel like “bring it on.” Let’s do this. Let’s get it done. I don’t know what is coming. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he makes dinner for me and has flowers for me and has the dishes washed. And says nothing at all about the credit card.
Oh, the joys of living with a passive aggressive man.