follow-up on the credit card

The evening after he cancelled my credit card, I sent him an email asking him who told him to cancel my credit card.   I was trying to figure out if it was an actual lawyer.  Here is the response I got:

I made the decision myself without being told, but a real lawyer said it was the thing to do. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.

Why did you not answer my question about lunch? If it wasn’t you, just say so. If it was, what are you trying to hide by writing a lot of other stuff and ignoring the question?

One other thing.

I don’t want you to think that I was snooping on you, but when I was looking at something about our cell phone service, I saw something in your call log that has puzzled me and maybe you can clear it up for me.

On the last day of our vacation about 2pm you called a therapeutics place and then about 8pm you got a call from an id blocked number. Then you came and got the van and you were gone for a couple of hours. Did you go and have a late night massage from a man?

[My name], I love you and care for you. I want to talk to you. I know that you think you have put whole life into making our marriage work for a long time and I haven’t done my part. I know that I have many faults and shortcomings, but I work hard to try to make you happy and to feel loved. You know the things I do and I keep hoping that if I do them well enough you will love me.

I was reading about fairness in the Rescue Your LoveLife book and says that I should do things for you just because, not because I’m looking for something in return. I keep thinking that if I give you a good enough footrub, it will end in wild and passionate lovemaking, instead of sleep. I’m wrong to think that. Sorry.

I hope you have a good and safe trip home tomorrow.

I love you,

I went outside and found a place where my cell phone worked a little and I called him.

I told him that, yes, I went out to lunch, and, yes, I got a second massage.

He didn’t say anything at all about the lunch, but he REALLY did not like it that I got a massage.  I tried to tell him that I needed the comfort and that the guy was VERY professional and that nothing was inappropriate.   He still did not like it.

I kept asking him why he cancelled the credit card and he wouldn’t answer me.  Finally he said he cancelled it because he was concerned about the finances.  I told him that always in the past that when he has asked me to use cash instead of the credit card, I always have.   I told him that I have worked with him on the finances whenever he has asked me to.  He had no answer.

Then he started telling me that I treat him like crap.  I asked him to give me an example.   He said that I think that he doesn’t make enough money.  I told him, well, you are the one who just cancelled the credit card because of the money.  I told him that he couldn’t have it both ways.  I told him that it is okay for him to say we don’t have enough money but it is not okay for me to say we have enough money???

He told me that it didn’t matter anyway because I was just going to leave him.  [Oh, he was so pouty.]   I told him, why would I want to stay with someone who pulls the rug out from under me like that???  I told him that being mean to me is not going to make me want to stay.

He said that he wanted us to read the “Rescue Your Love Life” book together.  I asked him if he was just going to beat me over the head with it.  [He attached a pdf of the section about fairness to his email.   I didn’t read the pdf; I just saw that it was there.   My guess is that this is his way of lecturing me that I am the one that is unfair.]  So, I told him, okay.  I’m trying to buy a little time to get home and see what else might be going on.

Anyhow, regardless of what he says about the credit card being cancelled because of finances, I pretty sure that it is actually major punishment.

Yesterday I called the bank where we have our joint checking accounts.  I asked if he could remove my name from the accounts without my knowledge or permission.  He can’t remove my name, but he can close the accounts and re-0pen them in just his name without my knowledge or approval.  So that was scary to find out!  As of yesterday morning, those accounts were still there.  I don’t know if he has done anything since.

Yes, I do have my own checking account, my own debit card, and my own savings account.   In my name only.  He can’t touch those.   And, oh, he hates that!

You know, when I have sex with him and just want to die, I feel that very deeply and very intensely.  And that feeling lasts for several hours, all day the last time.  And then it starts to fade.   With this, I feel like I’ve been punched and kicked.  And while the intensity isn’t the same as after sex, I have felt sick to my stomach since it happened and the feeling isn’t going away like it does eventually after sex.

I’m driving home today.  He got the timing wrong in his email although I am sure I told him when I was coming home.  I want to go home – my work is like a haven  because I work in a good place with good people – but I also dread what I might have to face.  But I also feel like “bring it on.”  Let’s do this.  Let’s get it done.   I don’t know what is coming.   I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he makes dinner for me and has flowers for me and has the dishes washed.  And says nothing at all about the credit card.

Oh, the joys of living with a passive aggressive man.

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29 Responses to follow-up on the credit card

  1. Sofia Leo says:

    Good luck tonight. I lived this scene so many times – my “infraction” (real or imagined) followed by his punishment, my apologies and explanations, his demands that I “make it better, or else!” my capitulation, him being kind for an hour or a day, or just in theory, but I had to make a big noise about how wonderful he was. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    It’s the Cycle of Abuse. You might point that out to him. Not that he’ll listen, but it might be an interesting exercise.

    So happy to hear you have your own accounts!

  2. giorgethomas says:

    Sorry, can I just confirm a couple of things? Am I correct in thinking that you and your husband have split up? And do you work or are you looking after young pre-school children? Because knowing the answers to those questions will help me understand the situation and I don’t want to comment on my views based on this post alone if I am assuming things that are not the case…

    • OneDayAtaTime says:

      That’s weird, just weird. There are tons of reads to read here and everything you have posted basically she has talked about. If she doesn’t right you back it’s probably in a read some place in her blog, please don’t be upset because I wrote this because if she was me I would not want to explain everything that I have already wrote and I feel I would not want to go back and relive what I have already wrote. That is just my thought and If you are a lawyer or someone that has advice like a lawyer let us know because I would be interested in what you have to say too. Just let us know what job or how your advice is valid like: I am a lawyer and I would like to help you out or I lived through this and I did this or that. That kind of writing helps me out and it may help others out too.

      I too live with a P/A and have been for 23 years. My knowledge is from that and I also know if you seek a lawyers advice because I have 5 years ago and I had to pay her $500.00 just to talk and get her advice and real answers to my questions. She also advised me to gather up all the questions I needed answers to because she would answer them but after that meeting she would have to be hired and the 500.00 would be placed in the account then I would have to send or bring in 2000.00 to put in an a account for phone calls, mailings, paperwork and she also told me that it all depends on how my husband responded to a divorce and if he doesn’t give me a hard time it shouldn’t cost no more but if he doesn’t agree it would cost more, I asked how much can this cost me if I go through with it she adviced me 10,000.00 some has 15,000.00 some has and I had over 50,000.00 but you two don’t have much assets so my guess would be not over 10,000.00 but if he doesn’t give you any complications it could be 2000.00. I thought oh boy. Now what do I do and that is what she is probably thinking now. How much is this going to cost. Huh, It is so hard and I wish nothing but the best for her.

      I know If I would have to put up 2000.00 up front and she would have an account set up for me so she knew I had enough money to pay the lawyer I had to decided if I was going to hire her. Now she did say I didn’t have to make up my mind right now just whenever. I didn’t end up hiring her.

      So my thought would be if he did go see a lawyer they want paid now for legal advice not later and no advice is free unless you know someone who is a lawyer, which I do but I called her several times and she was helpful but it isn’t the same, it makes you feel like you are using them in a kinda sorta way. I mean with me, I felt like there are so many question one has and calling up someone every single time you have a question I just didn’t feel I wanted that stress on a friendship, then I just knew this wasn’t worth how many questions I had, I knew it was a friendship, everything she told me wasn’t in writing and then I started have doubts which is normal so that is why I ended up at a lawyers office. If it is a good lawyer they want money in the pot so they know they are going to be paid. If he did hire one or seek advice, real advice he would of had to pay something to talk to one. I call 6 lawyers at that time and they all wanted some kind of money, period or I wasn’t going to get much advice at all.

      I feel for you I really do, hugs!!!!

      • giorgethomas says:

        You have every right to feel sorry for me, we all have issues in our lives that make us less than perfect human beings.

        I do not expect her to write back (not ‘right’) as I was simply someone who felt engaged enough to leave my opinion, which is all that this was, and we are all entitled to our opinions, particularly when a blog has been posted in a public forum.

        As I have stated in my comment, I did not go through and read all of the posts on this site. I spent half an hour reading some only, and I agree that does not give me a full picture of the situation. I simple took this at face value (the post) and responded to it. I would like to add that what I did read was extraordinary. The writing brilliant and captivating, and I hope the author seriously considers a culminating these posts into a book format. The topic is intriguing and unique and would, in my opinion (if I am allowed such) do well.

        With regard to the credit card, you will note that I stated that if the pair in questioned got divorced, and I can only speak of the legal standings in my country as I know them through experience, not occupation, then a settlement agreement would need to be reached. I cannot believe that in the United States a court would not grant alimony as you call it (we call it maintenance) to a wife with children. Whether the husband has got advice from a lawyer with regard to the credit card is irrelevant. If it is his wages, he has every right to cancel the card. As I stated in my previous comment, in circumstances of divorce, maintenance would be paid to the wife, she would be given a credit card to have free access to. That is not to say that what he has done is morally wrong. It is. It is both callous and calculating and shows the working of a man who obviously seeks to bring hurt. Which he has obviously done.

        It’s very easy for us as readers to say, ‘what a bastard, get rid of him’ yet even when reading the story in these posts, we as readers will never, as one never does, know the full circumstances of one’s relationship.

        What I hoped, mainly, and this through the ramblings of an exhausted person still awake at two in the morning, that money is not important, freedom is. You can make it on your own if you no longer have to deal with the emotional turmoil of an abuser. Obviously, that part of my message was lost.

        With regard to you, I don’t feel you can make up for your malice in this convoluted comment by sticking the word ‘hugs’ at the end of it. You intended to attack my views which you are perfectly entitled to do, but at least be steadfast enough to stand by your words without the hypocritical ‘hugs.’

      • Thank you for your hugs and your insight! I’ve heard of some lawyers not being very good and, of course, they are very expensive! There is a lawyer who does a workshop every month on the laws about divorce in my state. She is giving another talk next week and I am considering going again.

      • OneDayAtaTime says:

        My first paragraph, I felt it just needed to be said and I just said it, I don’t feel no guilt because I was not rude or do any “mean girl” things to you or anyone on here. You feel the need to write “With regard to you, I don’t feel you can make up for your malice in this convoluted comment by sticking the word ‘hugs’ at the end of it. You intended to attack my views which you are perfectly entitled to do, (I did not attach you, all I wrote to you was one paragraph to you.. to help you. I felt I was very nice and sweet to you) but at least be steadfast enough to stand by your words without the hypocritical ‘hugs.’ to me” ( I was not “hugging” you re-read my post the first part/paragraph was to you but the rest of the comments was to the one who writes about her life, the one who spills her sole, the one who needs the hugs. I wrote my insight on your post, my experience with lawyers and my experience of what I have done and been through with them.) I never said anything about feeling sorry for you?

        The first paragraph in my write was to you so you would not feel bad if she didn’t comment back. I said no more to you than what was written in the first paragraph. So please don’t go trying to guilty me because that is not happening on my end. You showed yours, I read your write again and I still didn’t read anything about an opinion there was 3 questions and why you needed to know these questions and it is as follows: “Sorry, can I just confirm a couple of things? Am I correct in thinking that you and your husband have split up? And do you work or are you looking after young pre-school children? (I still don’t understand this question, please explain if you willing) Because knowing the answers to those questions will help me understand the situation and I don’t want to comment on my views based on this post alone if I am assuming things that are not the case…” (I just didn’t want you to assume she would write back because my experience here most likely she doesn’t respond a lot to those types of questions and I didn’t want you to hold your breath or if she didn’t write back the answers, don’t let that stop you from posting why you wanted to know them answer and why you asked them, I just didn’t understand.) I feel I was just being a nice person, I stated that I was interested in what you had to say just state your opinion why. I wanted to know.

  3. Zoe says:

    I pray this goes well for you and I know you are strong enough to handle whatever he throws your way! Hold your head high!
    Something is surely wrong with me because I feel jealous that this is all happening to/for you. You may have a way out. It might be forced on you, but it may actually happen! Please be careful and let us know how it goes! Sending hugs your way!

    • Thank you. I understand what you mean about feeling jealous – I feel that way when I see other women being able to get out of their bad relationships! I’ll be careful. Thank you!

      • OneDayAtaTime says:

        Sometimes I am too and then we get back on track. You know my P/A admitted he was P/A. It took my breath away and a little part of me was proud that he did and apart of me was oh no. It is very confusing and see how it is a roller coaster ride too. I get so many mixed emotions and understand completely. I will support you whatever you choose, I am loyal lol I pick your side every time because I know just how the mind can switch and choose different choices, I like that about life. I really do. Be strong and when your not we all will hold you up! Thank you and your gonna be glad for this life experience one day all this will pay off.

  4. Teresa says:

    Told ya he didn’t see a lawyer, lol! And I’m NOT saying he won’t…eventually! But YOU do need to see a lawyer ASAP!!!!! Get all your little duckies in a row…NOW! But be as sweet and nice to him..gag…as you can, so he has no idea!
    Man! I thought my PA husband could be a jerk…but he’s never done anything like this before! Wow! I guess there are all kinds though, aren’t there?
    I have a friend who’s PA hubby had her arrested because she hit him in the arm….she’d found out he’d had an affair and she lost it, was crying and saying “Why, why, why??’ And she was smacking him as she said it….nothing major, just an emotional woman who was hurting so badly…..anyway, he took a pic of his arm where she hit him….it was red…and over a MONTH later took the pic to the police and had her arrested!
    He had planned it by taking the pic….pretty sick, huh?
    The next day when she had to go to court, to give her plea….he was at the mall, shopping and having lunch…and texting to tell her all about it!! But he did say he was sorry…he didn’t “know” she’d get into so much trouble!?!?!? Really???
    My friend is a VERY sweet person….and has tried to make her marriage work…but her H is extreme PA and he makes her life very difficult.

  5. giorgethomas says:

    Right, so I’ve just gone through and read some of your old posts. Please don’t be offended that I didn’t read all of them – there’s a lot!

    Firstly, I think you need to look at this credit card thing rationally. If it is for household things and the groceries only and is from money your husband earns, then he has every right to cancel it. If you are separated or going through a divorce, then a court needs to make a decision on what maintenance is owed to you. If you look at it from his point of view (and yes, he might be hurting which is the reason he did it in the first place) why would you allow someone who you feel has hurt you free access to money? I only say this because I was once the soul breadwinner of the household in a former relationship and having the money I earned spent by someone else. This however is a personal thing. I am a huge fan of the financially separate relationship. My husband and I live completely separately financially, and that solves many problems. He doesn’t have to feel bad if he wants to have a drink with his friends and I don’t have to feel bad about buying a nice handbag every now and again. We split house payments and the bills equally. You would not believe the absolute freedom that gives you. You don’t have that feeling of guilt or anxiety constantly hanging over your head.

    Secondly, I will speak from personal experience about my first marriage with a emotionally abusive person who was also passive aggressive. I don’t know your situation or how your relationship came about so I can’t comment on that. What I do know is that for me, it was like my ex (and I have found that this is the case for those who are passive aggressive, controlling and abusive) that I was picked because I was easy to control. At some point I needed to make the decision that I couldn’t play the victim anymore.

    It was a different case for me financially, to make the decision to leave (I read your list.) For me there was the guilt associated with leaving someone without the ability to purchase himself another house after the end of the relationship, and to have money to live. And my, didn’t he play on that guilt. He controlled me with that until the very end. And then one day, I woke up. I realised he was never going to change. I was twenty-four at the time and I remember thinking, this is going to be my life when I’m thirty, when I’m forty. I knew I didn’t have it in me.

    In the end, he took me for everything I had. I could have fought it in court, and come out with a lot more than I did. But at the end of the day, I would have preferred to live in a box under a bridge than live another day with him. I think you need to get to that point before money is no longer a reason for staying. I know it’s different for you, that you have kids, but legally, he will have to contribute to their upkeep, so it’s not them you have to worry about financially. Yes, you may not have enough to buy yourself those little treats we all like to have every now and again, but will you need it?

    I knew instinctively that money was not what I needed. I needed freedom. The freedom to live a life without guilt, without the constant stress, without having to walk on egg shells wondering when he would next explode, to be constantly berated and have your confidence shot to hell.

    My goodness – look what you’ve done! I think you’ve dredged out a lot of past hurts in me and I just want to scream at anyone I see in a similar position and say, you do matter! You can live a better life!

    A lot of this was me ranting, some of it was advice. It’s very late here at the moment (I’m in Australia and it’s 2am) so please excuse if this was a bit rambling in parts. Let me know if you want any clarification and I’ll see to it tomorrow when the brain is working a bit better!

  6. Karen says:

    When you get home you really should make appointments with several lawyers and find out what your rights are. I say several because they all come with their own baggage. I have seen 3 so far. They all paint a slightly different picture depending on their own points of view but you will get a good idea of what you are entitled too. I was advised not to improve my job status or salary right now. My first impulse was to get a job and try my best for promotions and raises. I had been a stay at home mom for 19 years. I was told I shouldn’t have done that. It would be better to have support based on what I have now and improve myself later. You have spent all of these years taking care of your family. Don’t feel guilty about being compensated for it.
    I can tell from your overall tone that repairing this marriage is not really an option for you. You seem to be at the same point I am. There is no going back. 26 years plus whatever time you spent with him prior was long enough for you to know he isn’t going to change. He may be sweet and say the right things when you get home but once he feels he has you back in control it will be business as usual. Canceling your credit card while you were so far from home was a terrible thing to do. What if you had counted on that card somewhere along the way to buy gas, food or a place to stay over night? He actually left you in danger. And I can tell you it is true that once they realize you are on to them and can not be brought back under control they are done with you and start looking for your replacement. Also I can tell you from experience once his parents are gone and he doesn’t have to looked them in the eye his treatment of you will be worse.
    Your not staying for your daughters as they can not tolerate him. I know it is really hard to make that final move and say this is done. There is no hope. But go see some lawyers. They will usually give a free consultation and you will get an education on what to expect. I do think PAs are lazy. He’s going to give you a hard time, claim to be doing all these things to improve your marriage, threaten to end it but they are really too lazy to do much more that make your life miserable. You will have to do all of the work in the end to end this relationship with him and clean up the mess left behind. Once you do you will be free to do whatever you want. Your so unhappy this way. Go for it.

    • Karen says:

      I also wanted to add don’t leave your house or ask him to leave until you speak to a lawyer. In my state the person who leaves is responsible for paying support to the person they left behind. I was told that is also true if you tell them to leave. Telling them to leave is the equivalent of abandoning them.

    • Thanks, Karen,
      I am aware of what my rights are. There is a lawyer that does free talks about once a month on the divorce laws in our state and been to listen to her three times now. She giving another workshop next week and I might go again.
      Yes, he left me in danger. It was very chilling.
      I am working on getting to a point where I can end the relationship. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later!

      • Karen says:

        I hope for you sooner. This is no way to live. I think with all that is going on he is going to make life even more miserable for you. Thinking of you every day.

  7. mourninglight says:

    I’m guessing there is a great possibility that he’s reading your blog. If that’s true and you drop off the radar, please use my email and stay in touch. Meanwhile, check with someone savvy and trustworthy to see if you have had a keylogger installed, because just changing passwords won’t work if you have one tracking your keystrokes.

    There is a great website/community for any kind of relational abuse, and it can be found at http://www.our-place-online.net

    Whether he’s reading your blog or not, to cancel that card when/where/how he did is just spiteful and petty. Shame on him. If he’s hurt, if he has doubts about your relationship, at the very least he could wait until you’re home, do it, and then man up, sit down, and tell you he has trust issues.

    I’ve watched several people leave abusive relationships, and every time there were some commonalities. Each time, the wife thought she knew who he was, what he would or wouldn’t do etc. Each time, she was wrong, and by far gave him too much benefit of the doubt. Each time, the gloves came off, and he basically declared war on her. Once she was no longer supply, she was nothing, or she was someone to continually get one last dig, one last power play over.

    Be careful. Talk to more than one attorney if possible. Get advice, and follow the one you most trust. Stick to their counsel, and don’t think “Oh… he wouldn’t do x.y,z…” because you are probably in for some gut punches otherwise.

    “He told me that it didn’t matter anyway because I was just going to leave him.”
    First, and most important, is that he should behave in a manner that is guided by his own inner moral compass, his ethics, and from personal integrity. If those things are skewed and meaningless within, his behaviors will reflect that.
    Second, this means he told you he is doing something conditionally for personal gain, not because it’s right or wrong. If he loves you, he’ll behave in a loving and respectful way that shows he values you. He’s telling you what guides and justifies his behavior and decisions; i.e. not what is right or what is wrong, but what serves him.

    Be oh so careful.

    • seriously says:

      PAH don’t “MAN UP”, they just do it to spite you and it’s always covertly…. that’s their ammo, very predictable too because you know you’re “gonna pay”, I do, whether it’s a perception that he has or if it’s actually something I did do, although I have been so good at “skirting” around things and hiding which I hate but what can I do….

    • I’m almost positive that he doesn’t read my blog. Also, I am now using my daughter’s old computer and he doesn’t have access to it to trace where I go. But, yes, I would keep in contact. Thank you.
      And thank you for the link – I’ll check it out.
      Like seriously said below – he doesn’t man up. Pulling the rug out from under me is much more his style.
      Every time he does something that hurts me, I find myself thinking, maybe this is the last time. Maybe there is nothing else he can do to hurt me, there’s nothing else he can pull out of the hat. Obviously that’s not true because I keep blogging about things that he does that hurt me!!!
      I’m not really sure how much of a moral compass he has. It seems like there is less and less personal integrity that I see in him. He seems to be getting meaner, more spiteful. Maybe it is because I am standing up for myself more. Even though he says he loves me, don’t believe he actually understands how to love. Julie, the therapist, told me that he has no empathy and that I need to take care of myself.

      • wifeofpa says:

        because he’s losing control over you as you are taking more care of yourself. He’s stepping it up (see other post on your most recent one)… keep strong, cuz it might get rockier.

      • mourninglight says:

        fwiw The ‘man up’ wasn’t an expectation of what he would do, just expressing what a man would do. Someone stuck mentally and emotionally will just feel sorry for himself as he bullies and kicks someone else.

        It still seems strange about what he knew, and his timing for knowing it and acting on it.

  8. Karen says:

    Mourninglight your last paragraph is perfect. I want to print it up and hang it where my PA can see it. Not that he would ever recognize himself in it.

  9. wifeofpa says:

    i would get my pay check deposited directly into your own accounts from now on, never mind the joint accounts, if you need to do groceries or shopping for the family, tell him to give you the money cash and then hand over the bill and any change, he can’t fault you for that, buy everything for yourself on your card, you might actually save more money that way, who knows what he’s spending on…. and rest assured, he will make you pay for all he thinks you have done wrong lately… mine is good at making things seem all a-okay and then WHAM!!!! he makes me pay for whatever he thinks I wronged him on…. doesn’t matter what it is, it’s all in his perception. It’s hard to live with PA people, they are very preditidacbly unpredictable. Hang on my dear, maybe it’s a good thing that you guys will talk if you actually do, lay the cards out on the table, he doesn’t like it, too bad. I put mine up against a wall and now things are okay, not great but better anyway.

    • My paycheck already goes into my own personal savings account. I learned years ago that if I give money that I earn to him, it disappears, so I made sure to protect myself in that regard. My husband will do whatever he wants, regardless of what he tells me or I tell him.

  10. Expat says:

    What amused me: “I don’t want you to think that I was snooping on you, but when I was looking at something about our cell phone service” Yeah right, of course he was snooping! Seriously though make sure you cover your internet tracks. My EX PA DH was very computer savy and would spy on me all the time. He would install password sniffers on my computer, hack my email, read any chat logs I had – one time I caught him with messing with the router on his computer he had put a setting on so that so while he sat two feet from me he could view real time what websites I was visiting without having to see my monitor.

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