“I wish we could have a normal, loving marriage”

Last night, when I got home, I asked him why he talked to a lawyer.  He said, “It just happened.”   Huh?  But I let him get away with that.   He knew it was a dumb thing to say.   I asked him again why he cancelled the credit card.  He said he was advised to.   He said he was concerned about the stability of the marriage.  (Yeah, me, too!!!)  And he said there was concern about me going on a $25,0000 shopping spree.   I thought that was just mean – maybe he would do that, but that is not something I would do.   I do think the whole cancelling the credit card thing was only to be mean and spiteful.  That’s all there is to it.  Oh, and it is a MAJOR control thing!!!

I asked him what else.  He told me that I have to buy my own chocolate, that I have to buy my own vitamins and supplements and that I have to buy my own protein powder that I drink for lunch.   So, the other day he lied to me when he said he was still going to support me.    And I have to pay for the inspection and the registration on the van.

He said that I used to be frugal, but that I am not anymore.   Ummm, I think he’s a little wrong there.   I know I am not the most frugal wife on the planet, but I also don’t shop with reckless abandon as he tries to imply.   I would say that it is more a case of the price of everything going up and his business not doing so well that makes him say that I am not a frugal shopper.

He said other stuff, too.  Oh, he went back to the massage.  He is so mad about that!   He said that I won’t have a physical relationship with him and yet I am willing to have a physical relationship with another man.   I told him that getting a professional massage is a professional relationship, not a physical relationship.   He said that going to a prostitute was a professional relationship, too.   I asked him if he thought I had sex with the guy and at least he had the decency to say, no.

He also wanted to know how much money I have, but I wouldn’t tell him.

The whole conversation was just mean.  It wasn’t two adults hashing out issues.    He was just mean.   There was nothing else about it.

After all the mean things he said to me, he then said, “I wish we could have a normal, loving marriage.”

Then he said that the “Rescue Your LoveLife” book says that there should be a time limit to arguments and that it was time to stop.   I think he was going to give me a hug, but I moved out of the room so he couldn’t.  To me, it wasn’t even an argument.  It was more like a beating, like being abused, cut down, berated.   I didn’t say anything else to him the rest of the evening.  I just couldn’t.  I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me.

This morning, I went to get the checkbook so I could write a check for cash so I could have money to buy bread for my daughter.   The checkbook wasn’t where he keeps it, so it seems like he hid it.

That didn’t stop me.  I just went to the bank, gave them the account number and took out some cash.  I could have taken all of it and closed the account, but that is not the way I care to behave at the moment.  I did take about a quarter of it – there actually isn’t much there – and I know that he is going to be furious when he figures that out.

Anyhow, his mom is in the hospital and she is not doing well at all.   He’s spending the night with her at the hospital.  I do feel sorry for his mom, but I am glad to have the room to myself tonight.   I was kind of a basket case today, so it will be nice to have a little peace.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to “I wish we could have a normal, loving marriage”

  1. This raises so many red flags to me. I’m really afraid this is more than him just being mean and controlling. He is taking complete control of the money, but if you live in a community property state, half that money is yours. Please, please go see a family law attorney and get some practical advice and strategies. In the meantime, deposit your paycheck to your separate account and sock away some of it in cash so you’ve got money at hand if he pulls the rug out from under you.

  2. I agree with 3kids…PLEASE go see a lawyer. Some will do a free consult, some charge a flat rate. Make a list of questions, no matter how stupid you think they are – write them down and get answers. Take someone with you if you can. Two sets of ears will be better than one.
    For me it was totally worth the money for a consult. You know damn well he’d have no problem spending it (he may have already). He doesn’t love you. He loves controlling you. You need to protect yourself.

  3. wifeofpa says:

    I agree with the two previous comments – good insight ladies… He’s obviously projecting onto you what he may do himself ie. spending a large chunk of money and you are totally right about the control, he’s stepping it up because he feels you slipping out of his fingers. To be honest, you are already gone in your heart and he knows that so he increasing his control to try to regain the upper hand and manipulate you with money cuz he knows that will play on your insecurities. He’s good…. don’t you fall for it and definetely start separating where your pay check goes and GO SEE A LAWYER because I smell a rat…

  4. Sofia Leo says:

    Dittos here! I lived that whole argument-that-is-really-a-lecture thing for years and it almost killed me. Lawyer up and make a plan to leave. He’s mad now and you really don’t know what he might be capable of if he thinks his life is about to implode…

  5. mourninglight says:

    “And he said there was concern about me going on a $25,0000 shopping spree.”

    He just let you know what he would consider doing.

  6. OneDayAtaTime says:

    I feel just something is telling me and I hope I am wrong but if this is what your gonna half to go through oh girl these talks just drive me crazy when they say one thing actions are another thing. It makes you feel like nothing is true they say and it all becomes a blur at least for me. I mean when our conversations go out in left field I can’t hear, like I am dazing. I feel like I am in Wizard Of Oz, ya know.

  7. Jwhowhat says:

    I totally get the “Wizard of Oz” reference. Much too well. But for the original poster, once again, I STRONGLY advise you to seek legal advice. I have represented SO many spouses who talk themselves into believing that their wife/husband wouldn’t REALLY take all of the $. Wouldn’t REALLY close the accounts and keep their spouse penniless if possible. THEY WILL and THEY DO – all the time, every day. Leaving the other one shocked, hopeless, in disbelief.

    This guy is a major control freak – and he WILL do this if he wants to/feels threatened enough. Please open your eyes quickly and protect your finances with the advice of competent counsel. Don’t listen to your friends’ advice as much as to your attorney/advisor. Only they really know what your state allows. You know your marriage is over. If that sounds harsh, it is the same advice I give myself almost daily. I haven’t left yet either, but I absolutely would not sit by and let my H do what yours has done to you within the past week. He is telegraphing very bad stuff…….I don’t want you to get caught unawares. You don’t deserve that, but, uh, he doesn’t care, does he?

  8. Karen says:

    Listen to all of the above. I can tell you once they reach the point where they realize they can’t control you anymore they are totally done with you. It’s like you never even knew him in the first place. They don’t really love us. They love what we can do for them and how we make them feel. You took the step to go ahead and get money after he hid the checkbook. He will find a way to punish you for that soon. Protect yourself. Thinking of you.

  9. sad says:

    Passive aggressive men can not love, how else can anyone explain the emotional roller coaster
    they place their spouses into? They are damaged, they are not normal, they are twisted inside. Their childhood experiences were “abnormal”. I hurt for you because I wasted 36 years in a marriage that has consistently been painful and stressful, had breast cancer eight years ago because I did not want to bring pain to my sons by breaking the family. Now it is the only way for me not to get sick again. One can not subject one’s body to these negative and frustrating situations and not pay the price. These immature cowards need us to be their emotional punching bags. If you are still young, go get what you deserve somewhere else because the one you have now will never change.

    • Thank you for your wise advice. Sometimes I think it is affecting my health and it is scary. I do believe that one cannot live in a situation like this and not have it affect one’s health. I am planning to leave – SOON!!! Thank you for sharing your story. Please take good care of yourself! I wish you well!

    • OneDayAtaTime says:

      Amen Sister. I see mine change then can switch on and off like a light switch! I just had my 23rd Anniversery I love him regardless for some reason. I believe mine can be so nice the BAM he can remove his love so damn quick and it hurts me really bad!! I do not know what in the world to do because you can not make them be right because then you know you asked the and your stuck with I asked him to do that he didn’t do it because he thought of it. ALSO who has lost friends over your P/A? I did andI am mixed up from choosing. It is all very deep sadness and I wss just wondering?Thank you for your write It was very good. God Bless.

  10. Jwhowhat says:

    SO glad that you said you are planning to leave soon. Just be smart about it, huh? See a lawyer to make sure that YOU protect YOU! Trust me, honey – your H will be even more viscious and disgusting once he knows you are leaving/have left. Be forewarned………..control is a very powerful motivator for many men, especially PA men as we all know. When he realized he can no longer really control you, there probably is very much that he won’t do….especially re: $$$$$. Have seen it over and over in my practice as a divorce lawyer…….

  11. Wendy Powell says:

    Small note. He has found one of your “buttons”. You see yourself as a careful spender and worry about anything “extra” or “frivolous” that you buy and he hit you with that insecurity of couple of times.
    1. concern about me going on a $25,0000 shopping spree
    2. And I have to pay for the inspection and the registration on the van. (not frivolous, but you need to spend money on it –I don’t know the background)
    3. He said that I used to be frugal

    It was a beating by the way, not an argument. You are also aware that he is making plans to leave you. You should do some of the basics like getting yourself your own credit card and thinking about where you are going to live.

    If he is not planning on moving out, he is trying to get you to “try harder” and make more concessions to him to get him to stay. Good luck.

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