Last night…

Last night, he went to pay the bills and discovered that I had taken the money out of the joint checking account.  (See post.)

He didn’t like that.

He asked me why I did that.

I told him that I needed to be sure that my daughter and I had money for food.

He said that he would make sure we had money for food.

I told him that when I needed to buy something, the money wasn’t there [because he had cancelled the credit card].

He said that he gave me money.

I told him that he hadn’t given me any money at the time I felt I needed to withdraw money from the account.

He said that he hadn’t seen me.

I told him that he saw me Wednesday night and Thursday night and Friday night.  He didn’t give me any cash until Saturday night.

He then said that he needed the money that I took out so he could pay the bills.

I told him that when I needed the money, it wasn’t there.

He said that if the money didn’t go back into the account, it would overdraw the account and there would be fees charged.

Anyhow, there was nothing more to say about it.

I did put the money back into the joint checking account.

Yeah.  I know.


I asked him again about why he cancelled the credit card.

He said he was mad.  He said that he loves me and cares about me and tries to patient with me, but that he reached his limit.

I asked him what he was going to do the next time he was mad.   He said that he would talk to me about.  I said, For the first time in twenty-six years???

He also said that he cancelled the credit card because he thought I was running around with someone.

I told him that I wasn’t running around with anyone.   I told him that someone invited me to lunch and I accepted.

He asked me if I went out to lunch often.

I told him that was the first time I had ever been to lunch.

I asked him who told him I had been out to lunch.

He wouldn’t tell me.

It really struck me how he felt it was acceptable to cancel the credit card out of spite, and yet, it was not acceptable for me to withdraw money to protect myself.

It struck me, too, when he refused to tell me which of his relatives told him about seeing me.   Why is he protecting whoever it was who told him when he claims that our marriage is so important to him?  He is yet again putting his family above me.  I don’t know.  I guess I should be used to that, too.

I am still shaken by what he did.  I am generally used to his tactics, but this one -cancelling the credit card – is a new one.

I want out of here so badly.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Last night…

  1. K says:

    Why didn’t you just tell him your lunch was with a vendor? That’s commonplace in business.

    • It is common in business. I guess I feel like this is outside of business, though, because the rep has nothing to gain for his company by taking me out. I have no buying or decision power whatsoever. And I’m not a very good liar. But, yeah, that would have been a better answer.

  2. Jwhowhat says:

    Honey. Enhance ur balls (metaphorically speaking of course). He is the Ultimate control freak!!! Save yourself. What an asshole. God. I wish I could give u legal advice. Can’t. But. God….. Xx

    • I’m going to go listen to a lawyer talk about divorce on Thursday night and I will be able to ask her questions. It is a free workshop, but I am also thinking about making an appointment with her. And yes, he is a serious control freak!!! I’ve started asking around to see if anyone knows of a cheap house for rent so I can get out.

  3. wifeofpa says:

    he stepped up his shenanigans because he feels like he’s losing control over you… simple, these PA men are all so predictable, next time he’ll step it up some more just to get a reaction out of you… again… see it’s not THEIR fault, it’s ours, aren’t we just the worst wives on the planet… by the way my honeymoon is over… i knew it wouldn’t be long… sigh… i’m the big bad bitch again… whatever :(

    Hopefully you figure out soon what you need to do for yourself, you can’t keep going like that my dear – Hugs

  4. Laura says:

    Using money to control someone is another indicator of an abusive relationship. I’m sure you know that, but I just wanted to mention it in case you didn’t. It’s basically one of the main items on the: “are you in an abusive relationship?” checklist. I didn’t know that until a couple of years ago when I went through it.

    I really hope you’re squirreling money away for a rainy day, like a deposit on an apartment. He is using money to abuse and control you and that is not ok. I don’t care what your arguments are about, you should have the ability to buy groceries. Is it possible for you to get your own credit card as a “just in case” measure?

    I can so relate to the credit card story, that’s exactly the sort of thing my ex would’ve done if we had ever shared a credit card. He did shut off my cell phone once to punish me. So I went right out and got my own cell phone plan so he couldn’t control my phone anymore. He didn’t like that. I could’ve saved approximately $100 or more per month if we had shared a plan, but I knew I couldn’t trust him ever again and so I paid the extra money for the piece of mind. Also, I realized when it happened that our marriage was basically over. I just bided my time after that. People who love you shouldn’t ever attempt to “punish” you or try to control you even if they’re angry. It is just not ok. In my situation, as things got worse, it ultimately came down to him refusing to pay his portion of the bills in order to “punish” me for being such a horrible wife. (Why was I horrible? I still have no idea.) I’m worried that’s where you’re headed.

    I am so glad these things are in the past. I believe yours will be in your past some day too, and let me assure you, freedom is an amazing thing. There is so much less stress when you can live life on your own terms.

  5. I do realize that using money to control is part of an abusive relationship. He has been doing that more subtly for quite awhile, but this was seriously blatant. I am saving money to leave. I don’t have my own credit card, but I do have my own checking account and debit card. I also have my own savings account. I’m debating about whether to get a credit card. “People who love you shouldn’t ever attempt to “punish” you or try to control you even if they’re angry.” You are ABSOLUTELY right!!! I am just biding my time until I have a little more money. Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later!!!

  6. OneDayAtaTime says:

    Hell I would get me a credit card, why not and put it in your name only. You can do that. Regardless if or when you do divorce all assets are in the pot period and if so happens you get a credit card he is reliable for that expense too just as you are with his. And if you have a credit card mail the bill somewhere else or have the bill come through your email. At least you have something if you really have fallen hard and he doesn’t have to know about this at all if you do this everything now these days are paid by computer/phone or calling the company, you never have to have anything sent to your home.

    Best to you and yes I have my own credit card and my husband knows it and my p/a husband has never cared but I also only have a 1000.00 limit because I don’t want no more $ than that limit. I know also there is Chapter 7 and 13 out there to help too, that can start some people fresh out of the gate (not that you will need it but some has what I have read about on the internet) but women shelters to help with questions you may need help with all over the place, and they are willing to help I hear, but to be honest I have never call any of these places and if you do ever call them please post about it, I would like to know if any of these places really do help and care. So, I found this to be a read you may like to look over too.

    Best of luck and I still can not believe, I still have trouble with people who can be just so sabotaging and so willing to be so mean, even though I have seen it a million time I have real issues with these mean tactics! (^,^) I have to say though going to al-anon is the best place you can give your time too if you can, it is strong, you hear stories time and time again, and the book by Melody Beattie ~ The language of Letting Go!!!! If you go to a al-anon group, you will break down, I think everyone does the first couple of times but after you make it through putting your heart on the table and people listen to you then you become stronger and then you get to hear of other peoples stories and why they are there and what can you do about it. You will hear story after story about how women stock up money and to give it right back to the same cause of taking it away, we just do that. I think it’s a bottomless pit that topic because we all have given the money back at one point or 20x but listening to the people who has graduated from al-anon is great people, all of them are Co-dependent people, you will be amazed just how many people are just like us. I also know if you are going to a meeting that you do not feel you are growing from and leaving kind of depressed or you feel your not learning from you must leave and try another group. I went to all of my meetings anywhere I had the time to go and they are everywhere! A++++ to Al-Anon Seriously! The book “Language of letting go” Melody gives you everything you need to know to assure you that your not crazy and gives great release of fighting with your heart over am I going crazy to I am not crazy!! If people do not have this book it is a MUST TO HAVE! Go buy it and if you want to check it out go to amazon OR surf on the web for quotes by her and the books name —– AMAZING just amazing how far my head was stuck down into the sand and how that one book lifted me from crazy to man I was right all this time, wow and after you read some of that book I wanted to seek more into why did I fall for all this bullshit, why am I giving and giving and not receiving? Oh there are so many questions I had for myself and I am still seeking to this day. WOW I wowed myself at how far I can really push myself, but I am still poor at giving myself the attention and the language of letting go just puts the cherry on top of the crazy making things we need to be aware of!

    I am sorry this is long but I feel these two things are just amazing things to have in life if the word Codependency is any part of you. It gives divine love and validates what you really already know but feel the one you love doesn’t define it. I can not say enough about these two things anyone can learn from just these two things.

  7. Expat says:

    Is it possible that he could be the one who saw you leave your work and go to lunch and follow you? Does he know your lunch time/could he have came up there himself?

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