kind of numb

He’s been being oh so nice ever since he forgave me.  (post.)

I don’t care.  I just feel kind of numb about it all.  Like, whatever.

I really do wish that he would go away and leave me alone.  No matter how nice he is being, it could change in a second and I would be “punched” again.  I really am tired of this pattern.  I find myself wondering what it will be next time.

And it’s almost like he’s being patronizing.  Especially about the money.  It’s almost like some grand show he is putting on.  Which I guess it really is, since he obviously isn’t so nice after all.

I don’t like the way I live my life.  I don’t like it that I feel like I have to hide so many things.  I would much rather be able to be open and share my life.  Or just not be in a position to have to hide so much.

It is sucking the life out of me.  For quite a few years now, I have felt like he is sucking the life out of me.  I used to feel that way a lot more – before I discovered what passive aggressive behavior is and before I learned about being codependent.  Once I learned about detaching, he didn’t suck quite as much life out of me.  But I am really feeling drained of life these days.

Oh, well.  Maybe the end is in sight, even though it is still a long road to go.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to kind of numb

  1. Karen says:

    Before I knew about p/a behavior we would go through these cycles. He would be so sweet and I would think we finally turned a corner and were going to have a good relationship. Just as soon as I would feel safe he would pull the rug out in some way and leave me hurt again. I started to realized he treated me the best if I acted indifferent towards him and sort of disapproving. I also realized that was the way his mother was toward all of us. It’s not what comes naturally to me. I want to be loving and caring and will do anything for you. Now that I won’t play the game with him at all he is just passive aggressive toward me all of the time and knocking himself out trying to show everyone else what a great guy he is. Don’t fall for his sweetness. He is just luring you in so the cycle can begin again. Everything you write is so familiar. The numbness, the waiting for the next “punch”. It’s a terrible way to live. It really does suck the life out of you.

  2. wifeofpa says:

    ah yes, the honeymoon phase, was just there and back in trouble again recently and then back on honeymoon now…. I hate these, why can’t these people be more stable… what a question, there’s no answer right…

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