yeah, whatever

Tonight I asked him to sleep in the living room.

He was quiet for a long time.  Then he asked, Why?

I told him that I thought I might sleep better.  (I’ve been having trouble sleeping.)

He said the sofa was too uncomfortable, that he couldn’t sleep on the sofa.

I told him that he could put the cushion on the floor.  (The sofa has just one long cushion.)

He said, okay, he would try it.

But then….

I got a long talk about that he doesn’t know how to love me, he tries to do everything to make me happy, he can’t do anything right, no matter how hard he tries, he loves me very much, he cares about me and wants me to be happy, he just wants to hold me and love me and make me feel safe, I never do anything for the relationship, I never suggest anything we can do together, he knows there are things I don’t like about the house, but he can’t do anything about it, I don’t treat him right, I am hard-hearted, I don’t even know what I want, and, finally,  that I don’t have to hate him.

Let’s see here – I would say manipulation, control, pouting, victimization, punishment, emotional abuse – what else am I missing?

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to yeah, whatever

  1. mckarlie says:

    I find a very useful exercise in a relationship is empathy. Trying to understand if you had the other persons needs, how your actions would make you feel in their shoes. Perhaps he thinks he’s being genuine and begging for affection, it doesn’t sound like the passive aggression that i know all too well from my family.

  2. A Bed of His Own, so he can’t act like that!

  3. Sofia Leo says:

    F.O.G. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Abusers pour it on when they think they’re losing control over you.

  4. K says:

    PAs come in all shapes and sizes. A man who truly loves his wife, and vice versa, would have stopped at the expressions of love and slept on the sofa for a night. His little diatribe started off nicely enough, but was twisted around into your fault. As usual. And you know you’ll pay in some PA way for your request soon.
    The twisting behavior is so ingrained, and they’re so adept at it. Your husband knows what your pain is, yet he is focusing on what it’s doing to him rather than what he can be doing for you to build trust.

  5. Fern says:

    Thank god my Narcissistic/PA spouse of 22 years and I have separate bedrooms. He started it many, many moons ago, as ‘punishment’ — knowing that refusing to sleep with me would hurt me. And so it was actually quite hurtful back then — and yet over time i came to absolutely love it (so much for his stupid little games — I’m so over it it’s not even funny), and today wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact the idea of EVER sharing a bed with him again is so reprehensible I can’t even fathom it (Yuck). So carve out your own sleeping space in whatever way you can — it’s terrific.

  6. Karen says:

    I think people step in at the end of the relationship and only see how you are acting at that point. Not all of the history that lead up to the way you now treat him. So after 26 years of marriage you seem cold and impatient because you know how this is going to go and you don’t want to put yourself out there to get hurt anymore. They are masters at acting like the good guy and turning the blame on us. I complained to a mutual friend of my husbands and my self that he never wanted to do anything with me or have a relationship with me. His friend said that my husband told him he often asked me to do things and was turned down. Later when I thought about it I thought technically that was true. But his invitations were designed to be turned down. I was told of black tie events 24 hrs before they were to happen. I don’t just own that type of wardrobe. He is famous for asking you to do something immediately when you are deep in the middle of something. Your going to say no because you are involved with something. So yes he did ask and was turned down but I think that was the intention. But later to a friend it sounds good without the details and sometimes when your asked you can’t even remember the details. I am sure a lot lead up to your request for him to sleep elsewhere.

  7. mixedemotions says:

    you didn’t miss much I would say. Don’t you hate the “poor little me” act, the “nobody understands me” act, the “my spouse doesn’t love me” act that we all know so well by now. Mine is so good at this act that even after going to therapy, he still manages to make it all about HIM. Doesn’t matter what I do or say, or how I word it, he finds a way to make me feel guilty because it’s about how he feels and what he perceives to be right. Example: the car needs repair – well it’s because I’m using it, it couldn’t possibly be that the car is old and that it’s regular wear and tear right…. NO, it’s because I’m the driver of that car…. pfffffft!!!! I hate to admit this but I can’t get the hurt out of my head, because it’s always there, semi-present just hovering the surface. I’m still mixed emotions.

  8. I remember begging father of the year to just please sleep on the couch for a night or two at the end of my pregnancy because I hurt so bad and couldn’t move around and get comfy to sleep. He whined why he didn’t want to and why and blah blah. I was so mad. I had had a car accident a few years before that really messed my back up and being pregnant and not able to take anything for it was hard. He has actually let me sit and cry in pain for hours before offering to get me something because we didn’t have anything at the house he took all that I had for me. they really don’t care about anyone but their self and what they want and need.

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