aspirin … or not

Today we were going somewhere and I had a headache.  As I was driving, I was rubbing the back of my head because it was tender and sore.

My husband asked me if my head hurt.  I told him, yes, and that I meant to take aspirin before I left, but I forgot.  He suggested we stop and get some.

So I pulled into a drug store.  He asked me what I wanted for him to get.  I told him that I wanted aspirin and that I usually just get the generic brand.  He said, okay, and went into the store.

When he came back out, he handed me the bag.  He said, “I got you ibuprofen.  There were too many choices and I didn’t see generic aspirin.  Oh, and they had Bufferin.”

Bufferin is the aspirin I prefer, but it has not been available for awhile.  He knows I prefer Bufferin, but I guess it was too complicated to figure out that if I want aspirin and there is Bufferin, it would be okay to get Bufferin.

Anyhow, I took the ibuprofen, told him thank you for getting it for me, and that next time, if Bufferin is an option, I would  prefer Buffrin.

Whatever.

I will be so glad when this is over.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to aspirin … or not

  1. Laura says:

    This is such a blatant and obvious manipulation that it makes me sick. It is so clearly abusive, yet, if it was viewed from the outside by someone who doesn’t understand the dynamic they wouldn’t see it. That is what is so insidious about abusive relationships. They are so covert and the manipulations are so subtle that the outsiders don’t get it and that can be a pretty lonely feeling. In my experience I had to explain it to my mother, who can be rather dense (bless her), and I felt like she didn’t really understand the severity of what I was going through. It wasn’t until my ex finally showed HER his true colors that she started to understand. Talk about frustrating and lonely. My own mother didn’t “get it.” Now she does though.

    Your husband knew you wanted aspirin. He made a conscious choice not to get you what you wanted on purpose in order to send you a message. My ex used to do the same sort of thing. It’s not vicious enough that you can call them on it, they will claim it was an innocent mistake and then you end up looking like a b*tch. Yet, he knows what he did and more importantly he knows you know what he did. I think this is a blatant example of abusive manipulation right here. This was not a mistake on his part.

    My two cents.

    I am so sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong and know that your readers are cheering you on (even though sometimes we stay silent). :-)

  2. Tina says:

    Yes, this happens to me daily. The “it’s my way or the highway” maneuver. He offered you the option to stop and he would get it for you but just couldn’t follow through with your request. It had to be his absolute control, no matter how big or small the request or duty it is. Also was there anything he got for himself (mine would have gotten cigarettes and a soda, and that would be the real reason for the offer of stopping)? He was running to the grocery (he only goes a few times a year only when he wants something specific) and asked if there was something I needed. I said yes, could you pick up the Ol Ryda crinkle fries in the freezer section. Guess what he didn’t come home with it. He came home with something completely different. I asked, he said he couldn’t find them. I was there at the grocery store the day before and say the entire section filled full. I knew they were there. I didn’t buy them that day because I was so worried about going over my cash budget he gives me.

    Here’s a small list of daily things that go on:
    Me: Can you get the kids gym shoes on while I brush my teeth.
    Him: Yes, sure.
    Hes still sitting on the couch playing on his phone. I panic because they should be on the way to the car. He demands he was checking work emails from China and they were life or death.

    Me: I don’t feel well. Can you take the kids to school after I get them ready?
    Him: No Ill be late to work. (The school is 1 mile from our house. He always leave after I do daily unless I need him to then suddenly he cant do it).

    Me: Can you stop and get ground turkey? on the way home (there are 5 grocery stores on the way and I try to eat healthy so I always buy the less fat brand)
    Him: Sure but I gotta stop and get gas and have to work at home tonight.
    He comes home with full fat ground beef. This also happens with milk. Full fat not 2%.

    Me: My car battery died. We are at the baseball fields. Can you come jump the battery? I’m parking facing the fields, where you will have to pull to the curb and jump from the front of the car. (It was 7:30 at night and he was “still at work”. Less then 15 min drive)
    Him: Yes, but I will have to come back and finish for my presentation in another city at his customers building in the morning at 9:00am.
    He shows up 45 mins later. We are sitting in the dark scared and waiting. He pulls to the back of the minivan. He gets out tries to reach the battery the jumpers from there. I say nothing. He gets mad. Jumps in the truck pulls to the front like I said from the beginning. Jumps it. He tells me he will just work from home. He didn’t work on anything. The next morning I drove by his office at 9:15. His truck is still there. I ask him how his presentation went. He says well and rants about how his boss didn’t go and how he went by himself. I ask if he got there on time. He said yes. I never confronted him about it.

    The timer on the over is beeping. The stuffing is done. I’m in the bathroom putting on my make-up trying to get to our friends for Thanksgiving. Hes sitting on the couch. I can see him. I walk through the living room get to the kitchen he stands up starts to walk to the kitchen and say “Oh you got that?”. Like he was on his way. But hes behind me. Then I get both kids ready. All the food ready to bring over (I cooked the turkey per her request, she can’t cook) is ready. I’m telling the kids to get to the car. Its 1:00. I had been cooking from 8:00am. He then asks if there is anything he can help with. When we get to my friends he all of a sudden becomes super Dad/friend and starts carving the turkey and such. When we got home I got the kids ready and into bed (a 45 min process, my little one need takes a while). He had unloaded the car and left all the food sitting on the counter. I asked him to please put it away while I got ready for bed. He said yes. He put the turkey away and left everything else out. I didn’t see it till the next morning.

    This weekend he put up the Christmas lights while I was out with the kids. He left all the fall stuff outside for me to do. The wreath, pumpkins and scare crows. I wasn’t hard stuff to do.

    He’s always leaving things for me to do. It’s his way of sticking it to me. He had never taken my car to get an oil change, put gas in it or washed it for me. There is nothing that is “for me”. Hes just not able or willing. I know he thinks I don’t deserve it.

    Also, the worst for me is when I’m sick he suddenly is sicker.
    I felt a lump and went to the doctor and she sent me to get an emergency mammogram and sonogram. I was scared and alone. I called he didn’t answer. I texted. I had to make sure it was ok because I had to pay over $200 for it and the rest would be billed. When he got home from work that night he didn’t ask me about how I was. He looked straight in my eyes and said his back hurt. Laid on the floor and asked the kids to step on his back. He never asked if I was ok. (I was BTW, it was 2 cysts).

    Sorry for the long reply. It felt good to get that off my chest. No body I know understands me.

    • Please always feel free to vent here. And I apologize for not getting your comment approved earlier. Yes, one of the things that has been hard for me in living with a passive aggressive husband is that nobody understands. It’s there; it’s very real. But nobody else can see it! I’m glad you were okay. Please find a way to leave if you can. And please take very good care of yourself.

    • Lemonade! says:

      I’ve been reading this blog and the comments recently and it has helped so much. Tina these situations you described could be my life! It’s so hard to explain to others how these daily doses of fuckery erodes your dignity , sanity and soul. I am in the process of planning my escape and hope I can endure in the meantime. Bless all of you who share here because when I read these posts and replies I’m not alone cause someone really really gets it!

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