nightmare

I woke up this morning at a quarter to one from a horrible, horrible dream.

I dreamed my husband shot my (our) older daughter.

Twice.

And she died while I was holding her and there was nothing I could do.

It was so, so, so horrible.

I woke up from the dream feeling so wretched.

She lives in another state.  I texted her, even though it was a quarter to one.

“Are you okay?  I dreamed you died.  I love you so much and I am so proud of you.”

I actually didn’t expect her to text me back because I thought she was probably asleep.

But she did text me.  She had just gotten home from an English Club movie and she had stayed to talk with a new friend.   So she was fine.  And we texted back and forth a few times.

I didn’t sleep well the rest of the night.  I haven’t slept well all week and I am so tired.

I felt so emotional today.  (Yeah. I know.  You’re thinking, so what else is new?)

I really did struggle today, though.  I felt so needy, so very needy, wanting love and attention so badly.  And hating myself for feeling so needy.

And then I struggled trying to figure out how to be a “big girl” and what is the rational way to approach myself and my life and my ups and downs.  And how to deal with this insane desire to love someone and to be loved back.

Yes, too many “ands.”

How do I stop being a basket case?  I don’t know.  Maybe this is normal.  Maybe everyone goes through crazy moments, or crazy days.

Maybe it’s sleep deprivation.  Maybe it’s hormones.  Maybe it’s mid-life.  Maybe it’s the result of living in an empty marriage for so many years.

Maybe it is all of the above.

And then I start thinking that my life will never be any better.   I do try to talk myself out of that.  I tell myself that I have wonderful daughters and a wonderful job and I work with wonderful people.  I tell myself to look at the progress I’ve made -a raise, probably a house to move to, going to the gym.  I do try to encourage myself.

And I know I should love myself better and not beat myself up for wanting to be loved.  I should be confident and believe that things will work out for me, that I will be in a better relationship some day.

Anyhow, I’ve pretty much just finished off a box of cookies.  Yeah, that makes everything better.  Not.  Now I just feel bloated and yucky and I hate myself for eating a whole box of cookies, when all I really want is love.

I cried most of the way home tonight.  I so did not want to come home tonight.  I hate the week-ends – having to be in the same house with him all week-end.

Well, I guess I will stop ranting and raving and carrying on like a crazy woman.

And just this morning, I was thinking that I was going to try to be more positive about my life.  I was going to try to look at the things that are good in my life and to try to not let thing get me down so much.

Yeah.

Right.

Great start to that.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to nightmare

  1. Jwhowhat says:

    Get OUT of there, I sometimes have dreams that are very vivid about my children, and they seem to almost always have a basis in realily. Just had one this week actually . Flee. Really. I am an attorney and a very rational person, but you need to leave sooner rather than later.

  2. The love that you need, the love that is steadfast comes from you. Please stop beating yourself up and looking at other people to give you that acceptance. You can’t receive it until you give it to yourself.

  3. Expat says:

    Sending you *hugs* What a terrible dream!

  4. D says:

    What an awful soul shaking dream. You will feel better and differently after you move out to focus on your own needs. You will exchange some anxieties for others, but please do it. Give yourself permission to see your world from a different perspective. Hurry.

    Denial is not a valid means of coping anyway, trying to look tie a silver bow around what you know in your core is not a good thing for you, will never ever work, you will be let down every time. I think you taught me that.

    Do something today your future self will thank you for.
    Me? I’m packing, slowly, in between feeling like my stomach will leap out of my throat and fall into the packing box instead of my favorite coffee mug, but I am doing it. One slow baby step at a time. I depart tomorrow for a safe space, a garage apartment where I can spend some time recovering. I wish the same for you.

  5. mourninglight says:

    I think I’ve mentioned this before, but what you’re going to face will very much be like withdrawal from a drug addiction. Prepare yourself objectively to recognize the symptoms, and when they happen, just pull back and observe, and then tell yourself it’s normal and will pass.

    It will pass. I went through it once when we were separated, and expect to do so again. Part of the intensity of what you feel is like a swallowing you up fear of letting go of the shreds, the crumbs that sustain you, and falling into a black hole of alone, the never being loved alone.

    But the intense fearful anticipation is NOT how it will be when it actually plays out. It really isn’t. It’s the withdrawal from the drug.

    Hang in there. Let it happen without believing what it feels like, and it will pass.

  6. Laura says:

    If you want a better life, you are the one who needs to make it happen. You alone have that power. You get to choose, so: Choose joy! Choose life! Choose your sanity! You know what steps you need to take to make your choices manifest. So take them. You cannot find love from the place where you are currently stuck, but I believe it will arrive once you are unstuck and emotionally healthy. :-)

  7. ChickenLadyMovedToTown says:

    I made it. I got out. I walked away. I left it all behind–the bad, the good, and the checking acct.
    I miss my gardens and flowers, wild berry bushes, the smell of fresh cut herbs, quiet and starry country nights, and particularly my chickens.
    No longer am I dreaming of guiltless, consistently peaceful days, or, of experiencing life without the relentlessly agonizing pain of emotional torture. That–I do not miss. That–took away the pleasures of having all the rest….
    I made that painful step, and healing has begun. Inevitably tough days lie in wait, but I believe in my abilities, and I am armed at all times. My enemy now stares up the barrels of my cocked and ready weaponry, loaded with slugs of guts and determination.
    Once again, I can think. I can sleep. I can feel. I am free.
    Tomorrow, consequently, cradles nothing more than promise.

  8. Jwhowhat says:

    That’s really wonderful, chickenlady. That obviously took a lot of courage. Good for you, and I wish you great, great good luck on your new life!

  9. chosetobehappy says:

    poor you… i know how you feel though, a few years ago, I dreamt that he was suffocating me and i was dying, our brains work in a strange way sometimes. It may not be a premonition as some people would think, it may just be our minds in very deep turmoil, if your pah has never lifted a finger towards the children, I highly doubt he would do anything now. Although you never know I guess, but my advice is to continue on the path that you are slowly going down right now if only for your peace of mind and your girls. You need to feel safe in your own skin and your safety and the ones of your children are priority. Maybe this is just your subconcious telling you to get out before something happens. The worse time for an aggressive person is when someone leaves them, they are more susceptible to hurting the ones they claim to love. Be very careful and have a support system for you and your girls even if they do live out of town, he may just pick up and drive to the other if he feels like he’s losing it. Goodluck sweetie!!

  10. Enough Already says:

    You are on your way to bigger and better things! Good luck to you and keep your strength up!

  11. i know you had this dream a few months ago but i wanted to comment on it. Usually when you have a nightmare, its means there is something you have to deal with in real life or it will keep haunting you. also, death in a dream could mean the death of a relationship, a career or something very meaningful to you. Its also a way of letting go of stress because we can’t in our awake life. I do believe this pertains to your marriage. I’m definitely no dream expert. I started studying the meaning of dreams because I dream a lot. I wish you many blessings!!! Please take care of yourself.

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