I woke up this morning at a quarter to one from a horrible, horrible dream.
I dreamed my husband shot my (our) older daughter.
And she died while I was holding her and there was nothing I could do.
It was so, so, so horrible.
I woke up from the dream feeling so wretched.
She lives in another state. I texted her, even though it was a quarter to one.
“Are you okay? I dreamed you died. I love you so much and I am so proud of you.”
I actually didn’t expect her to text me back because I thought she was probably asleep.
But she did text me. She had just gotten home from an English Club movie and she had stayed to talk with a new friend. So she was fine. And we texted back and forth a few times.
I didn’t sleep well the rest of the night. I haven’t slept well all week and I am so tired.
I felt so emotional today. (Yeah. I know. You’re thinking, so what else is new?)
I really did struggle today, though. I felt so needy, so very needy, wanting love and attention so badly. And hating myself for feeling so needy.
And then I struggled trying to figure out how to be a “big girl” and what is the rational way to approach myself and my life and my ups and downs. And how to deal with this insane desire to love someone and to be loved back.
Yes, too many “ands.”
How do I stop being a basket case? I don’t know. Maybe this is normal. Maybe everyone goes through crazy moments, or crazy days.
Maybe it’s sleep deprivation. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s mid-life. Maybe it’s the result of living in an empty marriage for so many years.
Maybe it is all of the above.
And then I start thinking that my life will never be any better. I do try to talk myself out of that. I tell myself that I have wonderful daughters and a wonderful job and I work with wonderful people. I tell myself to look at the progress I’ve made -a raise, probably a house to move to, going to the gym. I do try to encourage myself.
And I know I should love myself better and not beat myself up for wanting to be loved. I should be confident and believe that things will work out for me, that I will be in a better relationship some day.
Anyhow, I’ve pretty much just finished off a box of cookies. Yeah, that makes everything better. Not. Now I just feel bloated and yucky and I hate myself for eating a whole box of cookies, when all I really want is love.
I cried most of the way home tonight. I so did not want to come home tonight. I hate the week-ends – having to be in the same house with him all week-end.
Well, I guess I will stop ranting and raving and carrying on like a crazy woman.
And just this morning, I was thinking that I was going to try to be more positive about my life. I was going to try to look at the things that are good in my life and to try to not let thing get me down so much.
Great start to that.