I needed a little reminder…

I have done so many things wrong in my marriage.   (Some time I will try to list some of them for you.)   There are so many things I’ve learned in the past few years about being a good wife and it makes me realize how much I have done wrong.

For years I studied how to be a better wife.  And I tried.  I really truly tried.  But I know even more now.  I understand myself better now, too, and I think that makes a difference as well.

So where does that leave me?

Sometimes I think I want to try again, to try some more, simply because divorce is so scary.  Sometimes I want to try again because I feel like I have been unfair to him, not understanding as much as I do now.

But then I wonder if it would even matter.  Even if I were “better,” he would still be passive aggressive, right?  It still wouldn’t make a difference, right?

It might seem better for a couple of days, or a week, but then I am afraid he would revert back to passive aggression.

I can’t even believe I am writing this post!  I was looking for the link to a quote that I know is on my blog and I found this post.   (See post.)  When will I ever learn???

Here is the quote I was looking for:

“…passive-aggressive behavior fractures relationships that would otherwise thrive.”

And here is the link to the post (see post.)

Well, I guess maybe I just needed to write about this tonight to help myself remember it again.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to I needed a little reminder…

  1. Karen says:

    No it wouldn’t matter how hard you tried to be the best wife. That’s you being codependent. And yes it might be fine for a short period but he would go back to his passive aggressive ways. He would have to want to change. I found that post of yours last week. It helped me a lot. We just need to keep reminding ourselves. I am up to the part in my life where my husband was served with divorce papers last week. I am a huge whimp. If I can get this far so can you.

  2. ChickenLadyMovedToTown says:

    I’d assume that there’s not many of us that haven’t teetered on whether we merely didn’t or haven’t tried hard enough. (Especially during those times when they’re so darned chipper! Errrrrr……. Doesn’t that just burn your butt!?) However, the minute you change the topic towards addressing or resolving an issue or concern then you’ve just declared war. The insults, deflections and projections come on faster than a gully washer. He’ll just wear you down and put you back into your assumed place!

    How do you think he would respond if you moved out? You wouldn’t have to definitively consider or even mention divorce. Maybe he needs some alone time to think about what it would be like to die a lonely old man.

    I’m not in any big hurry to do anything! All I’m after is peace and quiet and no BS on a regular basis, and I’m finally getting some of that now that I’m in my own house.

    And my house is clean! And things aren’t broken and in disrepair! And I can hog the bed all to myself, and don’t have to contend with him flopping around at night, rolling up in all the blankets like a doggone burrito.

    It’s been painfully amusing to watch him struggle without me, as it’s forced a fire to be lit under the seat of his pants.

    I prayed long and hard for this peaceful, quiet space. There’s no urgency to make any moves or plan any strategies. At this point, I’m just staying put for awhile, and am recalling the Psalm: Be still and know that I am God.

    • chosetobehappy says:

      and wear you down they do, I’ve gone back and forth leaving my husband because of such a thing, he’s so good when he’s good and he’s so bad when he’s bad….I strive to achieve the same as you and Karen, no matter how I try to be a good wife (and the Good Lord knows I tried and prayed and tried again), it will never be ok because my peace of mind is shattered and I no longer trust that this relationship is serving it’s purpose. God I hope I can decide what to do soon…

  3. It seems to me that the cycle of abuse is endless if the abusee buys into the notion that “if only I’d been a better _____” or “if only I’d done X instead of Y”. I have participated in perpetual hindsight analysis like this for years and years and I’m struggling with the fact that I could not have controlled the situation or stopped H’s behavior regardless of what I had done.

    He has a problem. He needs to ADMIT he has a problem. More than that, he has to take ownership of *his* problem and its effects upon the family, not you/me.

    In the meanwhile, you and I should stop beating ourselves up and acting as Monday morning quarterbacks. Those thought traps only make us more susceptible to further abuse. It’s difficult to accept let alone change our own behavior and we will definitely backslide now and then. We have to be OK with what *we* own because that’s all we can change. Please go a little easier on yourself and I will try to follow my own advice as well.

  4. Sofia Leo says:

    Nope. You did nothing wrong. Years and years of being treated like crap will not change just because you vow to “be a better wife” or question yourself about the past. But, hey! Go on thinking that way and stay 20 more years. That works just great. For him.

    Seriously, this is a great big trap that we all fall into and our abusers use to their advantage. As long as we question ourselves we will not leave. As long as we don’t leave there will be no change. This suits our abusers just fine. Been there. Done that. It’s a load of crap.

    You are unhappy. Seriously, profoundly unhappy. You have expressed your unhappiness to your spouse. He has done nothing but make you feel guilty for being unhappy and turned everything back to being about him and how you need to make HIM feel happy in order to feel fulfilled yourself. This is a LIE.

    YOU have to make the change. For yourself. For your daughters.

    • @Sofia Leo: Wow. Thank you for your words and support. Even though they were directed to the blogger, I found them to be valuable. I’m having a really rough day and desperately searching for some comfort. I found “we’ve all been there” to somewhat alleviate my pain.

      • Sofia Leo says:

        Sadly, there are millions of us out here who have been there :-( We must remember that in the end, only WE can make a change in our lives. We don’t have the right to change anyone else (as they don’t have the right to change us) we can only change the way we react to events that happen in our lives. It’s up to US to make the hard choices that get us out of abusive situations. It sucks. It’s hard. And scary. But I’m here to tell you that life is so much better out here in the sunshine than hiding under the shadow of domestic abuse in all its many forms. It’s worth the risk and the pain and the uncertainty. Totally worth it!

      • Thank you for the encouragement! I really needed it.

        Thanks also for your blog…I’ve been combing through and it’s awesome.

  5. chosetobehappy says:

    a) stop beating yourself up (Lord knows I’ve done that for years)
    b) there are two people in this relationship, one of which is pa, there would have been no way for you to handle that in any other way than what you did because even if you had been the Mother Theresa of wifes, you would not have succeeded in making this man happy – ever!!
    c) rehashing the past only to beat yourself up serves you no purpose expect to make you feel guilty and that gets you nowhere
    d) even if it does get better and it does, we’ve all been there (everyone that reads and answers to your posts), it’s all a smoke screen designed to destabilize us and keep us in the loop and under their control whether they PAH are conscious of it or not
    e) and finally you have learned, I remember starting to read your post a year ago and it’s so different now, I can see how much more confident you are even though you go through more depressive times, you are far more ahead now than you were.

    The light at the end of the tunnel is not far, and you are helping me and countless others in this process. I go through the same thing day in and day out, and even though we may love these men in spite of our and their faults, we will never win the battle of the pa or ca s. Please don’t beat yourself up too much, being kind to yourself and being real will serve you much more when you’re ready to leave.

  6. Childofthetruth says:

    This has been one of the best reads for me in a long time.
    WP, I’ve been keeping up with you since I found your post late last year shortly after I took the “flying” leap. You have helped me (and others) more than you know. I’m on the other side and I’m telling you, “IT IS SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER”. Yes, it’s gonna be hard and you are gonna have some crappy days but it does get less and less and then you feel so much better. I still read because I can’t wait for one day to see your post stating that you made the jump. We will all be here for you, THAT YOU CAN COUNT ON!
    And all you ladies above, thank you for sharing and I encourage you all to not lose yourselves. YOU ARE ALL WORTH IT!!!!!

    • chosetobehappy says:

      Boy did I need to hear you today childofthetruth – I’ve been feeling a little bit down lately…. You and Karen remind me that people do get out from under these messed up pa people. Thank you.

  7. Karen says:

    Childoftruth, I am so happy to read your life is so much better. I can’t wait to be able to say those words too. Divorce seems to be such a long, slow process. I am glad it has at least begun for me. Chosetobehappy thank you. You encourage me. You can do this too. It just has to be better than the way we live with them.

    • chosetobehappy says:

      I sure as heck hope so, I’m feeling a bit confused these days thinking it just might be easier to stay and accept the status quo and possibly getting back to as bad as it was before then I think of how miserable I am now and how much more miserable I’m going to be. Either way, it sucks.

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