sometimes I wonder…

Sometimes I wonder if I am just lying to myself that I will ever leave.

I did go drive by a house that I saw listed on craigslist.  And I called to see if the rent included utilities.  It doesn’t.  It would really be stretching it for me to rent this house.  I’ve seen it listed before and wondered about it.  Yesterday, I figured out exactly where it was and drove there.  It would be wonderful place to live!  It’s down a dirt road at the end of a higher end housing development.  There are a couple of horse farms with huge houses out there!   Anyhow, the location would be great.  The house is small, but it is two bedroom.  And I do need to get rid of a bunch of stuff.  But the rent is too high.  I should have asked if the rent is negotiable or if there is any work I could do to reduce the rent.  Maybe I’ll call back.

I get so discouraged.

And then I wonder if maybe I am only fantasizing about leaving.  Only lying to myself.  And that in reality, I will just spend the rest of my life here, telling myself that I hate it and that one day I will leave, but I never really will.  I wonder…

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11 Responses to sometimes I wonder…

  1. mixedemotions says:

    Cripes, I’ve been thinking the same thing that I’ve been dreaming in lala land lately too…. It’s such a tough decision to make, I know it’s not gonna be picnic once I’ve left, I know he’s not going to make it easy for me to leave either, I know that my boys will be mad at me, I know that family is not going to understand why. It shouldn’t matter to me, it really shoulnd’t but it does. Friends are telling me that I will leave when I’m good and ready and others I don’t bother telling them anything anymore because they don’t get why it’s so hard to leave, they do not get the mental anguish that goes on inside my head, the guilt that I live with, the pain I know I will inflict on myself, the kids, the family, my husband…. They do not understand that I will live through hell as I get out of this, that he will do everything he can to keep me, the promises, the excuses, then more promises, the guilt trips all in the hopes that it will be too hard for me to leave him. I have tried 3 times so far, and all 3 times he’s managed to convince me (or maybe I just gave up the fights) that things will be better… I keep asking why I do this to myself and I really just don’t know. I was gone and I came back, what’s wrong with me, I’m in therapy and no closer to an answer, I just pray that at some point all the dreaming and planning will come to fruition, that I will be strong enough for both me and the boys to do this, I pray for the right time and the right circumstances, I pray to stop making excuses and just do it. But I persevere, I have no other choice, the option of staying is hell, I can not live through this much longer and yet I’m still there. I’ll pray for you my dear, please pray for me.

  2. tigerlilly says:

    Am I willing to pay the price to stay? It’s steeper than the cost of leaving.

  3. Laura says:

    When I left my ex, (pardon the old expression from my grandma) I didn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of. I ate a lot of beans, I washed and reused my ziploc bags, and my kitchen table was patio furniture…(this is just a few of the things I did to scrape by). You know what? It was the best year of my life. Who needs cable tv when you’ve got Netflix and books? Who needs a fancy dinner out when you know 101 great uses for beans :-) I kid, it wasn’t all beans, but there was virtually no eating out. Here’s another old expression: I learned to squeeze a nickel so hard the buffalo pooped (we don’t even have buffalos on our nickels anymore, but I love that old turn of phrase). You would be amazed at the ways you can find to get by. Also, wouldn’t your daughter contribute to the rent and food? Isn’t she an adult? Even a little bit would help. I hate to see finances hold you back. Some of your extra stuff that you’ll need to get rid of? Garage sale! There is always a way. I knew a gal who regularly donated plasma (I have no idea what that pays). I loved my tiny little townhouse of freedom: eating homemade bean burritos while sitting at a patio table in the kitchen. I loved the little town home more than I ever loved my fancy house, the beautiful dining table from Ethan Allen, and the big fancy kitchen. It is all about perspective. You can do it. If you want to you will find a way. If you don’t want to do it you will find all the possible excuses not to. It’s all up to you. You get to choose your perspective.

    • Elaine McCollum says:

      Good for you!!!!! My husband moved to the spare bedroom last week after an argument and asked we talk two nights ago. I told him to go first and he said he wanted us to work things out. I said no, there is no working it out this time that I want a divorce. I think he was completely blindsided that his heartfelt promises to change and telling me how much he loves me had absolutely no effect on me. We have split up two times before and I cried many tears and was a complete basket case. Each time I believed his lies that he would change and that he loved me more than life itself. I think it just takes getting to that point where nothing in life is more important that peace. There were no tears this time. My voice didn’t crack once. I simply gave the examples of broken promises and all of the reasons that there is no working it out and divorce is the only answer. Actions speak louder than words and his actions have told me that after 22 years if there hasn’t been any improvement up until now then there never will be!!! I would rather live alone than feel the way I do sharing a house with him!!

  4. I just wonder if I am ever going to find a job so I can get us a place and if I do how I will ever pay daycare to go to it. I know for sure 110% I want to leave. The almost year I was not with him was the best year I have had in about 9. I was so much more happier even with 5 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment. Like above we didn’t have a kitchen table or even a couch for a while. The kids had little chairs and their beds we would eat dinner outside a lot of times. But we enjoyed it all sitting down together getting out of the house and hanging out talking to friends or having dinner with friends in the evenings. I would go back to it in a heartbeat if I could compared to what I have been through since and what I went through before. I know I won’t have that back I just want a place for me and the kids. There I only had to pay half the bills now I have to figure out how to pay it all on my own. The only thing holding me back but seems it may never get better.

  5. Anna says:

    I am married to a quietly angry man, too. I feel like an unnecessary appendage in my marriage. We’ve been together almost 11 years, and I came close to getting involved with a coworker during the worst part of my life with my husband. Your blog is a great help to me, and I wish you the best. I am so depressed today about it all that I have no idea what to say…

    • Oh, sweetie, I SO understand! And many others here do, too! Take good care of yourself and I wish you well.

      • Anna says:

        I feel bad for letting it bother me. I used to try to talk to other women about it, and they seem to think he is very nice and caring and that I’m too hard on him. I have become quiet. I watch him. I am done talking because he doesn’t understand what I say, and he doesn’t like to talk about important or difficult things. I feel guilty all the time, like I’m wronging him, like he’s trying so hard and I should do whatever he wants and constantly reassure him that he’s loved and wanted.

        I watch him say one thing, do the opposite, and then make excuses and be angry at me for daring to question him. If I don’t talk, he doesn’t talk. If I have a down day, he gets down, too. If I ask for help, he gets sad. If I am open and honest about what I think/feel, he uses the opportunity to hurt me instead of reciprocating.

        I am always the bad one. I am a useless appendage, there to be manipulated because I just happen to exist. I feel like a joke and a burden and a witch. And I can’t leave because God hates divorce, because he would be vindictive, because everyone would be against me, because I’m already ignored.

        My strength is gone. I am tired. Your blog paints a clear picture of a man who cannot communicate, cannot own his own stuff, refuses to be honest, and opts out of loving his family. And he seems to function well that way. I can’t be ok with myself when I hurt my family.

        Thanks again for writing; keep it up!

      • Elaine McCollum says:

        I think we married the same man. Everyone also thinks my husband is so nice and that I am overreacting and being mean. Well I’m not. He is disturbed and constantly messing with my head and trying to make me think I am crazy! I finally got the strength to ask for a divorce Monday night and I am not backing down this time. If I stay married to him I will lose my sanity. My kids are grown and if he hasn’t changed after 23 years and me leaving him twice before then he isn’t going to change.

  6. FreeAtLast says:

    Hey! I’m a long time follower of your blog, but this is my first time posting. I DID IT! After 12 miserable years, I left the bastard!!! I was more scared, conflicted, tormented, worn-down, and close to giving up and ending it all than I’ve ever been. Thank god he’s a mama’s boy. His mother has always hated me, and every woman he’s ever been with, for that matter. The final straw came when I was set to take a plane trip to see my family for Christmas. The night before, he told me it would be no problem to give me a ride to the airport. Then, the next day, low and behold, he approached me 2 hours before I needed to leave and said: so- how are you getting to the airport? I completely flipped out and lost my mind. I jumped on his back, and flung him to the ground. I wrapped my hands around his throat, and squeezed as hard as I humanly could. (Please note: I have never laid a finger on another human being, and I have been the recipient of physical abuse in the past. I am very against physical violence, and I am the last person on earth who I ever expected to lay a hand on another. I am not proud of what I did. But as ashamed as I am to admit it, I don’t regret what I did, either.) So when he told his mother about this, she demanded that he kick me out (he decided to mention the idea on Christmas day). Of course, he later denied that he brought the idea of me moving out intentionally on Christmas day, but I knew that was bull. So I did what he never thought I’d do: while he was gone from the house for 13 days still visiting his family, I rented a moving truck, packed what I could (while having an upper respiratory infection the entire time, I might add), grabbed my 2 cats and loaded them up in the front seat with me, and moved 2 states over back to my parents’ house! Wish I could have seen the look on that worthless man’s face when he came back home to a baron house! Ah hah hah ha!!! But what I really want to share with all you ladies (perhaps some gentlemen, too), is what I have gone through in the ‘fallout’, thus far. I landed at my folks’ house on January 15th. So it’s been a little over 2 weeks now. When I first got home, I was on a hair trigger. Any comment that anyone made to me that I even slightly perceived to be passive aggressive, I jumped down their throat. But honestly, even before I got home, I already new that I was free! And a week later, I had begun the process of dropping my walls around my family and friends. A couple of our mutual friends took his side. But after I explained the situation, most of my pals immediately understood! The outpouring of support has come from the most unlikely of places, and has been tremendous! And truthfully, it doesn’t matter if a single person agrees with me. Every human on earth could think he’s the nicest guy ever. But I know the truth – and that’s all that matters to me. The more time that passes, the more I realize how much of a trance-like state I was in while living with him. It’s impossible to see just how deep you’re in this state until you’re away from the abuser. I know some of you are afraid of what’s on the other side. Well, I’m here to tell you – it’s bliss!!! I mean, it’s a little weird having that void where all the fighting and insanity and self doubt used to exist. I think the worst of it was 2-fold: trying to figure out what to do with all my free time, and dealing with the shame I feel for not having ditched this loser years and years ago. But hind sight is 20/20. Anyone who is going through this hell should know this: you’re not an idiot or a fool for having been duped for as long as you have been. You were a beautiful frog, put in the lukewarm water, which was turned up ever so slowly. Silence is the biggest killer. You can’t argue with a person who refuses to have an open opinion about anything. And just realize: you’ve been doing it ALL ON YOUR OWN the whole time. So when you leave the bum, you will quickly realize that you have the strength of a superhero! It’s like having weights around your legs everywhere you walk. Then suddenly the weights are removed. You are ten times stronger and faster than ever before!!! Oh- and please, please don’t waste any time beating yourself up for not having left yet. It took me such a grievous, heinous eruption (and his psycho mother) to push me over the edge. But just like so many people have said on this blog: the air tastes sweeter, the sun shines brighter, and all the world has a new, radiant hue! I am still recovering from being so emotionally drained. But every single day I feel better and better and better. The final thing I’d like to say, is that for the longest time I read this blog and thought to myself: sure, these other people are staying in a doomed relationship – but I can change this guy. He is the exception to the rule. WRONG!!! There are NO EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE. Get out!!! The freedom is unbelievable! You all deserve it. So take it!!! And you will soar, guaranteed!!! XOXO and love to everyone! And to the blog author: your are an incredible woman, and a personal hero of mine! Godspeed your exit. I know you will eventually do it! Don’t beat yourself up about your hesitations, or when you’re finally going to go through with it. You’ll do it! I can see it in you!!! Thank you so much! I am crying as I write this. Your blog clued me in. You freed me, and I can never thank you enough! XOXOXOXOXOXO

  7. To Anna: God loves you more than He hates divorce. Please do something good for yourself, it will be a start to loving yourself and hopefully that will lead you to seeing a way out

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