Sometimes I wonder if I am just lying to myself that I will ever leave.
I did go drive by a house that I saw listed on craigslist. And I called to see if the rent included utilities. It doesn’t. It would really be stretching it for me to rent this house. I’ve seen it listed before and wondered about it. Yesterday, I figured out exactly where it was and drove there. It would be wonderful place to live! It’s down a dirt road at the end of a higher end housing development. There are a couple of horse farms with huge houses out there! Anyhow, the location would be great. The house is small, but it is two bedroom. And I do need to get rid of a bunch of stuff. But the rent is too high. I should have asked if the rent is negotiable or if there is any work I could do to reduce the rent. Maybe I’ll call back.
I get so discouraged.
And then I wonder if maybe I am only fantasizing about leaving. Only lying to myself. And that in reality, I will just spend the rest of my life here, telling myself that I hate it and that one day I will leave, but I never really will. I wonder…