just stuff

I’ve had stuffy ears and a sore throat for over a week now.  I’ve really felt yucky, but I think I am starting to feel a little better now.   I sure do hope so.  I think being sick is contributing somewhat to the depression.   Even at work today, I felt kind of depressed.  Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.

Today I just felt like I was in a miserable fog ~ that everything was just murky and always would be murky.  Like the sun would never shine again.  I tried to tell myself that my life can get better, that I don’t always have to feel like this.

He never said a word about us not watching the Super Bowl in the same room with him.   All he said this morning was something about legalized marijuana in Colorado and the Broncos loosing so miserably.

I was thinking ~ really?  You’re in a position to throw stones? 

My husband and I eat dinner together and my daughter eats in her room.  Well, “together” is used loosely.   We sit in the same room and watch something on Hulu or NetFlicks or DVD.

So, tonight we were watching an episode of NCIS.  They thought the murderer was the eighteen year old son of the victim.  Throughout the show, reference was made to the son hating his dad, the son not speaking to his dad, not looking at his dad, showing no emotion towards his dad, not being in the same room with his dad, etc, and also the dad not being there for the son.

And I’m thinkin’ ~ does any of this strike any kind of chord in my husband?  Does he see any kind of parallel between the relationship of the son and the dad in the story and his own non-relationship with his daughters?  In no way am I implying that my husband is going to end up dead, but I did wonder if he thought anything at all about what was going on in the show.

When it was over, he was telling me about his mom’s cat and how sad his mom was over the cat maybe having to be put down.   The cat is going to be okay, but he can show concern about his mom and her cat, and not his own daughters?  I know this is nothing new, but sometimes it just really gets me.

Tonight he said that we got a package from the bank saying our promissory note was paid off.   (Several years ago we got a loan so he could buy the piece of machinery for his business.)  I said, so my name was on the loan, but it is not on the [machinery]?  He just slowly shook his head and smirked and kinda laughed and said, “I don’t even know what to say.”   But it’s true.  The loan was a home equity line of credit, so it would have been against the house and my name was on it, since my name is on the house, too.  But the equipment is in his name only.  Oh, well.   Whatever.  What the @#$% ever.   He paid it off, so that is done.

Anyhow, I guess I just needed to let off some steam tonight.   Sometimes it seems like it all gets to be too much.

And I just want to run away and …..  well, I have my fantasies.  Maybe you have yours, too.

I’m going to finish drinking my chicken broth and take a hot shower (if he left me any hot water) and get into bed and think about nice things that I hope for in my life.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to just stuff

  1. chosetobehappy says:

    My fantasy includes a great little home in a quiet community with my kids and a nice garden for me to putter in and for the dog to run around. I have a great little patio and a bbq and I invite guests over to hang out, the kids have their friends over too and we have an outdoor firepit. I am free to come and go as I please (keeping the kids in mind) and just hang out with my boys. It’s not a big place but it’s comfortable and I have decorated it the way I like. I don’t have the pressures and eggshell walking and watching what I say and what time I go to bed and the 20/20 questions about this that and the other thing. I don’t have to beg to get something done and apologize for things I may or may not do or say. I don’t have to compromise about every little thing that may or may not make him happy. I’m just happy even with the roadblocks or the issues that may come up. I’m just happy.

  2. Karen says:

    Chosetobehappy that sounds a lot like my own fantasy. My kids are grown but still it will be a happy place for family gatherings. One way or another we can get there.

    • chosetobehappy says:

      I sure as heck hope so. The alternative doesn’t make much sense although I’m still teeter tottering… I’m hopeful that I can get myself there, I just have to do it. No holds barred. It’s hard and I’m emotional about it, I do love him and that’s why I think this is so painful. It was easier when I was numb about the whole thing.

      • Karen says:

        I think the emotions ebb and flow. I feel confident one day and emotional and uncertain the next. I have been married nearly 27 years and with him a few years before that. I have no feelings left for him at all. So whatever comes will be better than living like this. Just keep taking small steps. Thinking about the whole thing is too overwhelming.

      • Married...but Lonely says:

        Wow chosetobehappy…same here…I love him so that’s what makes it so hard for me! I’m just so stinkin lonely when it comes to an emotional connection with him! He obviously doesn’t need it…and I crave it with everything inside me!
        Married but lonely…that’s my life! We are so opposite of each other…I want to serve others, in my church, my community, etc…he’s content to sit at home, on the computer or sleeping!
        I worry about the economy, how our country is doing, etc….he could care less! We can’t talk about any of that because it’s of NO interest to him…He loves his job,and that’s his life!
        He feels his responsibility is to work and provide food and shelter…and that’s it! It’s my job to do all the rest!
        We still have 3 kids at home….the youngest is 14…so I’m stuck for awhile longer…But then….we’ll see. Just not sure if I want to stay or go…I have a good life, a nice house, I don’t have to work… he doesn’t hold back money from me…In fact, he lets me buy whatever I want!
        I think it’s his way of feeling good about himself….When we went to counseling…all four times before he quit, he told our counselor that he’s “good to me” and “spoils me” :/ so I do believe that he uses money and gifts to “keep me in line” or whatever!
        It’s just that I’m so lonely! And our sex life sucks ….I’m so diconnected emotionally that I just try to think about something else…sad but true!

        Tonight I tried telling him how I feel so lonely and he just rolled his eyes at me and sighed real deep….as if to say, “Great, here she goes again!” So I just clammed up and ignored him, like he does to me…then he starts asking me if I want to go for a walk in the snow, or did I want a cup of hot cocoa, etc….And that’s what he does….He’ll act like nothing is wrong, he NEVER, EVER addresses a problem that I bring up….it’s like what I said to him never happened! It really pisses me off….and it hurts!

        That’s why I don’t know if I will stay once my boys have moved on with their lives…do I really want to live the rest of my life…being ignored???

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