I’ve had stuffy ears and a sore throat for over a week now. I’ve really felt yucky, but I think I am starting to feel a little better now. I sure do hope so. I think being sick is contributing somewhat to the depression. Even at work today, I felt kind of depressed. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.
Today I just felt like I was in a miserable fog ~ that everything was just murky and always would be murky. Like the sun would never shine again. I tried to tell myself that my life can get better, that I don’t always have to feel like this.
He never said a word about us not watching the Super Bowl in the same room with him. All he said this morning was something about legalized marijuana in Colorado and the Broncos loosing so miserably.
I was thinking ~ really? You’re in a position to throw stones?
My husband and I eat dinner together and my daughter eats in her room. Well, “together” is used loosely. We sit in the same room and watch something on Hulu or NetFlicks or DVD.
So, tonight we were watching an episode of NCIS. They thought the murderer was the eighteen year old son of the victim. Throughout the show, reference was made to the son hating his dad, the son not speaking to his dad, not looking at his dad, showing no emotion towards his dad, not being in the same room with his dad, etc, and also the dad not being there for the son.
And I’m thinkin’ ~ does any of this strike any kind of chord in my husband? Does he see any kind of parallel between the relationship of the son and the dad in the story and his own non-relationship with his daughters? In no way am I implying that my husband is going to end up dead, but I did wonder if he thought anything at all about what was going on in the show.
When it was over, he was telling me about his mom’s cat and how sad his mom was over the cat maybe having to be put down. The cat is going to be okay, but he can show concern about his mom and her cat, and not his own daughters? I know this is nothing new, but sometimes it just really gets me.
Tonight he said that we got a package from the bank saying our promissory note was paid off. (Several years ago we got a loan so he could buy the piece of machinery for his business.) I said, so my name was on the loan, but it is not on the [machinery]? He just slowly shook his head and smirked and kinda laughed and said, “I don’t even know what to say.” But it’s true. The loan was a home equity line of credit, so it would have been against the house and my name was on it, since my name is on the house, too. But the equipment is in his name only. Oh, well. Whatever. What the @#$% ever. He paid it off, so that is done.
Anyhow, I guess I just needed to let off some steam tonight. Sometimes it seems like it all gets to be too much.
And I just want to run away and ….. well, I have my fantasies. Maybe you have yours, too.
I’m going to finish drinking my chicken broth and take a hot shower (if he left me any hot water) and get into bed and think about nice things that I hope for in my life.