why your boyfriend treats you badly

by Charles J. Orlando     (Link to original article)

I receive hundreds of letters every week. And let’s face the truth: If you’re in a great relationship, what I write might be interesting … but you aren’t going to write in to me. I hear from men and women all over the world, and offer insights and advice about marriage, dating, and communication. Some common questions? “What did he mean when he said ____?” “Why did she tell me that she ____?” Often, the answers are highly individualized, and I get into the nitty-gritty details of life, love, and romance with those who write in. I work to decrypt things and shine the proverbial light on the middle-of-the-road truth.

One of the most-asked questions I receive is “Why does he treat me like crap?”

Let’s get something out of the way: I’m not describing physically abusive/violent relationships. That’s not only treating someone “badly,” it’s also a felony. If you find yourself in violent relationship — leave. Period. End.

The relationships I’m discussing are in a grey-ish area: not physically abusive, but most definitely damaging. They keep you guessing — never-a-dull-moment style, leaving you muttering to yourself: “It wasn’t always this way, was it?” No, it wasn’t always … and that’s what is so damaging. Your guy does treat you right sometimes. But now that your feelings are out in the open, he has changed. Maybe he isn’t available as often as he used to be (without a genuine excuse), or perhaps he is emotionally distant without an explanation, or maybe he starts fights and arguments, isn’t affectionate, has simply stopped being thoughtful, or has just disconnected from you. It leaves you asking yourself some ugly questions: “What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? What did I do to make him change?”

A reality check: You didn’t make him change. Without a weapon, no one has the power to make someone do anything they don’t want. This leaves one explanation: He is choosing to act this way. And not only is he choosing it … you are allowing and enabling it.

Here’s the harsh truth: People can only treat you in ways you allow. In essence, you give permission and imbue people with the knowledge of how you want to be treated. So, if you are settling for someone’s poor treatment or halfway efforts, you are silently telling them, “Thank you. This is how I want you to treat me, and I like it. More, please.”

Unfortunately this explanation, while accurate, doesn’t provide all the information needed for an genuine explanation of this pattern. Often, the real culprit is a lack of self-esteem. People are treated in ways they don’t like because: 1) On occasion, they receive the love they want, and they put up with poor behavior the rest of the time to get a crumb of love at some point in the future; or 2) Their self-esteem is so low, they feel (consciously or subconsciously) that this is “all” they are going to get. It’s all they deserve.

If you put up with bad treatment, you are showing your partner that you don’t respect yourself. You are showing him that you are only worthy of the unacceptable way he are treating you … and each time you go back and forgive him, you are reinforcing the bad behavior.

Escaping this cycle is challenging, as your sense of self-worth and esteem get locked up in the relationship, creating a constant search for moments of love amidst long bouts of indifference. If you’ve communicated your needs and he refuses to act or alter his treatment of you, sometimes the only way out of the cycle is, well, out. Move on to someone who will treat you like a treasure. And by “someone,” I don’t mean a new relationship … I mean move on to YOU. Self-worth and self-esteem emanate from SELF. Start with you. Respect and value you, and everyone around you will have no choice but to follow your lead.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to why your boyfriend treats you badly

  1. Married...but Lonely says:

    There is truth in what he says…I’m allowing my H to treat me this way…but for right now, escape isn’t in the cards. Maybe one day…

  2. frogstale says:

    It isn’t every just ‘that easy’ to leave or improve your self esteem and self respect. Getting sucked in by a passive aggressive partner is a long slow process and is very complex.

    Just like the Frog in the Pot (my metaphor and name) you just can’t see it coming as it gets gradually worse and you accept more and more. Then there are children, investment in the relationship and the hope that it will improve.

    I am sure you know about the cycle of abuse – there is a period when it is good and hope remains. Jumping out of the pot is scary – very scary – and never that easy.

    We can often end up accepting behaviuor we never thought we would. I accepted infidelity when I would always have said ‘if he cheats you should leave’. I now have understanding why women who are physically abused don’t leave either. It just isn’t that easy.

    • chosetobehappy says:

      agreed, it’s never that easy. At first I fought him for respect and demanded it and I definetely knew myself and respected myself. At some point I stopped fighting for me because I wanted some peace and I wanted my children to have peace, they would get upset at me if I fought, not him. It was confusing and I remember thinking “one day, he’s going to regret ever doing that to me” except I’m the one that’s stuck and he’s in a great place, i’m still there, the kids put him on a pedestal and I’m the “bad one”… because I started fighting for respect again and I refuse to be treated like crap. I’m hoping that one day I feel strong enough to go because thinking of staying is just too depressing and I’ve chosen to be happy.

  3. frogstale says:

    It takes real courage to leave. I always likened it to standing teetering on the edge of a very high cliff and deciding to jump off into the pitch black. You don’t know how high you are, how long the descent will be, and if you will be safe at the bottom. One day something will happen that will give you the courage to hold your nose, take a deep breath and JUMP.

    Have you considered that there might be some reason for his behaviour? Many abusive partners have personality disorders and that helps explain (but not excuse) their behaviour. Look on wordpress or google it and see if it rings true for you.

    My ex is probably a narcissist/sociopath. When I read about the behaviours of those personality disorders a bell kept pinging in my head because it described him exactly. You can gain information and support if this is the case. It isn’t easy, but if you can understand his behaviour it is the first step in getting the courage to deal with it – however that looks.

    You might to do something to regain your children’s respect as he is slowly eroding it. FT

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