Yesterday I was in a bad mood.

I was feeling stuck in my job, feeling like I was meant for more than what I am actually doing.  I had that feeling that there is so much more out there and I am doing this?

I was counting out pens and chip clips that have our company name and logo on them.  You know, promotional items.  And I was thinking, this is it?  All the years I’ve lived and all the experiences I’ve had and all the things I can do and all the things I know and I am counting out pens?

So I was grumpy.

But late in the day, one of the guys walked by who always stops to see what I am doing.  And I expressed my frustration to him.

He told me that years ago, he had a mentor that he had said the same thing to ~ I am so much more than this.  His mentor told him, do whatever you are doing the best you can and the next thing will come.  The mentor told him that it worked for him and my friend said that it worked for him, too.  My friend also said that one time he told a boss that he wanted more, that he wanted a promotion.  The boss told him, make it look easy.  Make it look like what you are doing is easy and then you will be given more.  So my friend “made it look easy” and he moved on up.

So I wrote those two thoughts down on a yellow post it note and stuck it on my desk.  Maybe today I won’t be as grumpy.

Last night, when I came home, my husband wasn’t here.  I like that feeling!  But I also get nervous when he isn’t here and I don’t know where he is or why he isn’t here or when he will show up.  I’m sure you know the feeling!

It rained most of the day yesterday so he didn’t work.  He did wash the dishes, though, so that was really nice.  I still didn’t know where he was.  I thought maybe he had decided to go out for dinner since he has that a couple of times recently.

I made dinner and watched an old Monk episode in peace.

Then he came home.  He wanted to know if we deliberately didn’t save him much of the dinner.  I told him it wasn’t deliberate, but that I didn’t know where he was.  He said he was at work.  So, whatever.  There was enough left for him that he had plenty to eat.

He asked me if I had had a good day.  I said, eh.  I told him that I was in a bad mood almost all day.   He asked me if I was feeling better.  I said, a little.

Then he said, were you mad at me?

I asked, why, and he said, I don’t know.

It’s all about him.  He didn’t really care what my bad mood as long as I wasn’t mad at him.  There’s love for you.

You know, I am almost beyond being mad at him.  Every day it’s something different and I simply feel minorly punched in the gut and I keep on walking.  It still takes something out of me, but it doesn’t wound me in quite the same way as it used to.  Maybe I am getting more and more numb.  (By the way, did you know that “minorly” isn’t really a word?  But it fits, so I am using it.)

So, yeah, that was my day yesterday.  Wanting the stars, settling for counting out pens, and ending up minorly punched.


This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to grumpy

  1. Ok lovie…I guess I need to read previous blogs to see what is going on in your marriage.

  2. But there are so many…ok let me start…

  3. mourninglight says:

    “It still takes something out of me, but it doesn’t wound me in quite the same way as it used to.”

    I’ve noticed this all along the spectrum, whether he does something large, small, or between that hurts or upsets me. I think of the younger me that was so vulnerable and would bleed out the pain and despair. Now, like you, more numb, and also harder. The last part I don’t like so much.

  4. lonelywife07 says:

    Well Ms. Grumpy…maybe this will make you feel better….you have inspired me!! I was down yesterday also, so I did something I’ve wanted to do for a long time…I started my own blog!! :D
    Yay for me! I decided I needed an outlet for my frustration…and this is going to be how I do it!
    So there ya go! Your courage in blogging about your life has encouraged me to do the same!! :)
    Hope Tuesday finds you feeling more upbeat!
    Here’s my blog in case you want to take a look :D

  5. chosetobehappy says:

    I’m feeling like that these days too which is why I’m not commenting as much. I like to read you because I feel like I’m not alone but it takes a lot out of me as well. I’m reminded that I am in this and that I don’t feel like I can get out. I’m hoping that this week my mood will turn around. I’ll be reading you and even though I don’t necessarily comment, I hear you.

  6. Judy says:

    Have you noticed the tiny smily face at the bottom of the page when you read this blog?

  7. lonelywife07 says:

    Hey friend….Where’ve ya been? No new blog post since April 8th…?? Hope you’re ok!

  8. Cynthia says:

    Yes, punched in the gut is a good analogy. In my case, usually a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, because I was constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what might anger him and cause him to unleash on me. My ex pah is also an alcoholic. Common symptom for severe passive-aggressives. For years I thought his acting-out was due to the drinking, but now I know better. Happy to have found your blog – it is nice knowing I’m not alone. I would like a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach when with a husband who I know cherishes me. PAs do not cherish anything or anyone. Still educating myself and healing. Clinging to and abiding in the Vine – Jesus Christ, King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

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